Dear miyoid:

“I consider myself as someone who cannot choose… I can choose… I’m learning to choose for me”– this is a huge progress in your mind and life: to be someone who can choose!

Even though it was a mistake to get back together with your ex-boyfriend, the fact that you chose to try, “kind of persuaded him that we could try it, try to be happy together“-this meant that you were a chooser, or as you put it: “I was the decisive person, I chose him“.

“I felt like I was slowly learning to choose. Two years passed, I’ve rejected some people, learned to choose more“- the more regularly you choose, the more practice you get at choosing, the better you’ll be at it, and the better mental health!

You shared that it annoyed and upset you when someone told you about a guy (without knowing the guy!) that “he was just interested in superficial things, and he was just using me“, and you “started to think that he might actually be using me, or he might be superficial even though he was acting very emotional“-

– I remember when I was just starting to choose (after living life like a broken ship lost in sea: not choosing my own way, but letting the waves choose for me by taking me any which way), it upset me a lot too, when people told me what they thought was going on and it wasn’t what I thought was going on.  I was still too unsure about my ability to understand reality correctly and choose accordingly, so, their different understanding, however wrong, threatened my confidence in my own understanding.

“Then I asked if we can make this thing a relationship or not…  I had expressed what I wanted, I took the risk of losing it, and then it happened. Such power, I didn’t know how good it could make me feel before. So, since we were talking about choosing, there you go. A huge thing for me, I can say that I’m proud of myself“- I am proud of you too and I am excited for you! It is such power, a personal power that makes a huge difference in one’s life! Back to my imagery of the broken, lost ship at sea: discovering the power to choose is like having an engine and a wheel installed in the ship, and having the ability to direct my own course through the stormy sea (a way better course than being pushed around by the waves, falling and getting hurt).

“As for the mental breakdown you’ve experienced, I felt lots of sympathy towards you reading it. It wasn’t possible for me to read it without crying. Although I’m surprised how sharp your memory is, it feels very detailed, the emotions especially. Maybe I will remember more as I explore“- thank you! I happen to remember that one time I described, but overall: I remember very, very little of my childhood.

Feel free to remember and explore more here, on your thread.

“Whenever I open up a feeling that I feel vulnerable with, and whenever someone looks or behaves compassionately towards me since they try to understand or they sympathize with me, I burst into tears. This thing existed since I was a child…. Feels similar to the increased sensitivity you’ve mentioned“- an increased emotional sensitivity: others’ empathy feels too intense, and the intensity bursts into tears. This over-sensitivity can lessen with time, just as my over-sensitivity to noise and bright lights lessened in the last few years.

“As for the owning, flattering to be able to own others, I see that it can be highly related to narcissist tendencies…“- It is only recently that I thought of my mother as having Narcissistic features. I realized that in the way she treated me, she was Everything and I was Nothing, which is a strong Narcissistic feature. Connecting this to the topic of choosing: she took away from me the ability to choose by rendering me emotionally disabled/ paralyzed- too scared, too ashamed, too guilty to choose.

“Thank you for your amazing communication, it feeds me a lot“- you are welcome. Our communication is feeding me too, so thank you!

anita