I would like add two cents about shame….

Much later in life I realized that I’d always had an unusual (intense and long-living, and misguided) sense of shame. I also wondered how others could carry on WITHOUT apparent shame after questionable or flat-out wrong/inappropriate behaviors. Especially when someone close to me didn’t exhibit shame, I carried their shame no differently than if I’d been “quilty” of the act/behavior. (E.g.: I once wouldn’t go in my front yard for a very long time b/c of the shame I carried for another person in my family who behaved inappropriately with a neighbor.) I absorbed (other’s) shame like a sponge.

It’s the nature of those suffering with addictions (sexual, substance, etc.) to slide the guilt, shame, anger, etc. onto others.

Anita brings up a very solid point about your father’s actions, and you need to realize them for what they were. For any multitude of reasons, the narrative got changed. You want to believe in the goodness of your parents, but by admitting they did what they did was unreasonable and hurtful doesn’t mean you still can’t love them and find some good in them. It’s not a mutually exclusive deal.

I, too, grew up with physical and sexual abuse from various people. I reached a point where I forgave one person in particular some years down the line when I realized that they were who they were and they likely did the best they could given their personality/issues, but finding that forgiveness meant I had to face the truth about them—and forgiving someone doesn’t dictate that they still aren’t responsible for their behavior, or that what they did is acceptable.

Forgiveness can come just by the passing of time or with very hard work over a long stretch of time. And forgiveness heals you. It. just. does.

All this said, you have a long, hard road ahead. It probably seems impossible right now that you’ll come to terms with all the many things with which you find yourself struggling. But you’ve taken some good steps. That’s how we all begin. Steps. And it took all these years for you to be where you now find yourself, so you know turning it around won’t happen overnight or easily–and might even get worse before it gets better–and that’s okay b/c you’ve started down the path of discovery and healing. On your own, you began this. That takes courage. Because you want it. You’ll get there. Give yourself a break and stop blaming yourself. Just work on taking one step at a time. It’s too daunting otherwise, yes?

Hugs.