Forum Replies Created
December 8, 2021 at 7:49 am #389589
I tend to bypass any direct comment about a haircut, change in hair color, etc. by gauging their reaction first…if they seem to like it and I think it’s wretched, I enthusiastically ask, “You like it?!” or “Is it what you wanted / were thinking of?”
If they press me, I tend to refer to another haircut or color that I preferred and may make a reference why. (Your last cut was a softer cut and emphasized your whatever.)
I had two mind-blowing experiences with one person about this type of thing. I was careful the first time, to no good end, and kept my mouth shut the second time, also to no good end.
So…in regard to the original question of this thread, why people lie, what about when we tell only part of the truth.
1) Are we lying when we tell a partial truth?
2) How many of the reasons we lie are the same reasons we tell a partial truth?December 7, 2021 at 12:20 pm #389574
Somehow, we all get damaged…usually at the hands of damaged people who possess little to no self-reflection. I’m sorry a person who was to protect you fed you to her inner-beast. I often think of how hard life must be for those like your mother, but without self-reflection, they can’t possibly know how much harder they make things not only on themselves but those around them.
Did you/do you have an adult relationship with her?
As for “how dare Kit take away my comfort and pleasure at keeping the money,” that’s not really it. Whenever Peg was confronted with a problem she herself created, she’d attack; I’ve never known her to hold herself responsible for anything, so being called on anything infuriates her. And this aspect sounds like your mom.December 7, 2021 at 10:20 am #389571
This might not be the best example, but it’s the first that comes to mind, probably b/c it ended up a four-hour “gun fight” and was the first instance of me beginning to lose compassion for this (past) friend. I’ll call her Peg. Another person in the scenario will be Kit.
I offered to take Peg out to lunch at a casino. The second she opened my car door, she began complaining about Kit with fury. Unbeknownst to me, in the moments leading up to me calling her with the invite, Peg and Kit had had an interaction that set Peg off.
Peg told me that Kit asked if she could have the $100 she loaned Peg several months earlier. Peg claimed Kit said it was a gift so Peg would have more money to spend on a three-day vacation. (Note: Peg is absolutely HORRIBLE at repaying anything…money, favors, etc., but when something is due her and doesn’t get it, she will dog, dog, dog you.) I’m buying the story that the $100 was a gift….
I bought the story until Peg slipped and said she didn’t have $87 to pay her back. Wait–where’s $87 coming from?, I asked, to which Peg replied that she’d given Kit $40 one day to pick up something for her, and when Kit tried to give her the $13 in change back, Peg said to put it toward the loan. Here is where she got caught in the lie.
She lied to make herself look like a victim while making the person who helped her out the bad guy–common behavior of hers.
(Once she realized she’d exposed the lie, she turned her attack on me. And a good time was had by all, lol.)
Initially, her lie about the money included an attack on Kit’s character (Peg: Kit gave me that money as a gift then months later withdraws the offer–who does that kind of thing–a person with problems, that’s who.)
Whenever Peg was caught in a lie, she just dug her heels in. You’d end up being frustrated with her and embarrassed for her at the same time.
Oh…here’s a funny one:
She found a cough drop wrapper on the floor one day and crabbed that all she does is pick up cough drop wrappers all over the house (not true). I said, “Let’s hope that’s the worst that happens today,” to which she yelled at me about how often she finds tiny pieces of my chewing gum all over her house including the couch—like I’d be too stupid to know if gum fell out of my mouth, not just once but repeatedly. 🙂
(I was at her house a lot b/c her husband and I worked together, and Peg and I became fast friends. After three years I had to walk away, from her and the job.)December 7, 2021 at 8:20 am #389565
I’m not sure if this fits cohesively under another category, but I know someone who verbally attacks people, often with lies, in order to deflect attention and/or minimize something they did. Gun to a knife fight, kind of thing. Most people aren’t good at lying off-the-cuff, and this person isn’t, but it doesn’t stop them and their attacks and lies are brutal.December 7, 2021 at 8:03 am #389561
I’m putting myself out on a big, scary limb here, but in no way am suggesting this is the case….
There are people with “abilities.” Since a kid, I’m one such person. Abilities have a wide range. But the voices are always negative, so that’s not an option.
That said, in a previous thread by the OP, I suggested that the possible nature of the former faith may have bearing on the voices. Likecrystal hasn’t expounded on her former faith, or even how involved she was in it, so there’s nowhere to go with this.
Likecrystal, if you’d like medication to control the voices, I don’t think doctors would prescribe without a psych evaluation. I could be wrong, but you don’t want med’s, anyway. The source of the voices would require more information on your end, even if it could be determined.
December 7, 2021 at 6:41 am #389552
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by SSS.
(I need to confess upfront that largely due to length of this thread I will have forgotten previous details provided. I’ll let myself off the hook–ahem–by claiming this affords me a clean perspective on your reply to me.)
How old are you–you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to.
In your replies to my questions you have mostly described what most others want, search for, work toward. Most of us struggle to achieve any one of these things. And along the way, obstacles are thrown in our paths (not a bad thing), and some by our own creation. Anything that keeps us from being where we want, or think we should be, we see as an obstacle, and when the sum of those obstacles turn into one gigantic, overwhelming wound, we feel paralyzed. But we aren’t….
When we can identify our mistakes, admit the hurt we’ve caused others and the hurt others have caused us, when we can put a label on our emotions, and then be able to declare what we want, that’s huge. Huge. This is a bridge. I’ll say the following with love and from personal experience: In the absence of mental health issues, we cross that bridge by getting out of our own way.
You talk about bygones. Bygones can’t be bygones when our mind lives in the past. To get the life you describe, even parts of it, you have to think forward to move forward. There are practices that can act as a tool–not a be-all-end-all solution–to shift our thoughts and perspective. For instance, when you have a strong moment of self-hate, STOP, and remember something kind or compassionate or loving you did, or remember something you overcame. You’re working toward something here. Self-love. You can’t change the past, obviously, but what if you changed a moment? Then another. And another. And what if you purposely did something that helped someone else, some little thing? I am an ardent believer of two things: 1) We best help ourselves when we help others; 2) We have to step outside ourselves. Well, three things: 3) Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting out of our own way.
How long ago did your ex-GF die, and how do you think your grieving process went?
Why do you think you need forgiveness from your unborn child? Right here might be an example of creating a problem that doesn’t exist. You don’t have the opportunity (!) to make a positive impact?
You say you want a carefree life. That doesn’t exist. Set reasonable expectations or, of course, there’ll be disappointment…which will deepen what you are feeling.
Set small goals that don’t require too much of you. Remember we all have to take baby steps when things just get too damn heavy. Maybe it’s nothing more than forcing yourself to go the grocery store b/c you’ve been putting it off, and then maybe you just smile at someone and get one back, or seize an opportunity to lightly/jokingly engage in a conversation with a shopper who’s complaining about the price of milk. Do anything but don’t do nothing.
Inner peace, as you say, begins with you. There are ways to facilitate that, but it doesn’t happen overnight. WHAT SPEAKS TO YOUR SOUL? This, I believe, you need to first answer. Let’s say nature stirs something deep within you. I’d start there. Whenever the past or negative feelings come up, STOP, shift the paradigm…and be present with the very thing that speaks to you—-that’s right in front of you.
When we feel empty…initially, it’s a void…but a time comes when it’s a chance to re-fill ourselves. The reasonable things you want now have a space inside to get seeded, nurtured, and grow. I’ve never been able to overcome emptiness without putting one foot in front of the other, even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t know where that step is taking me. But eventually, inevitably, it gets me somewhere. Inertia…it exemplifies our sadness, anxiety, self-hate, whatever is holding us down, back. (Again, minus mental health issues.)
You say you are scared of change. I know you understand that what you want can’t happen without it–something has to happen even if you do nothing, so be active in the narrative–it’s your life, don’t be passive. This moment of your life has produced an awareness in you, and that itself was change. Kudos to you. You may not like how it came about but it did, and that’s a good thing. Facing our fears gives us freedom. It’s an incredible feeling. It also helps soothe that savage self-hate beast. That beast doesn’t want us to be active in our own life; it likes being the boss. We have to show the beast that we are in charge now. The beast will fight–it’s liked its life and has lived in your cavern a long time. Taking an active role in your own life takes power from the beast. You know the path you no longer want…so start walking. The hurt you’ve given others, that person wouldn’t do those things now, correct? Baby-step forward with that new self-awareness. (I can’t tell you how important I think it is when we realize our mistakes. It opens up so much for us, and those around us.)
Those still in your life that you’ve hurt, have you been able to show them how sorry you are for past behaviors?
Forgiving ourselves isn’t easy but not impossible. It’s a process. It requires work, just like anything we want or need to change in ourselves. You have this incredible opportunity right now. You see it from your perspective, of course. You don’t see this as a time of transition————-and often we have to sit it out for a while in this state of limbo in order to fully grasp where we presently find ourselves and what put us there.
I like the word STOP. It’s done me well in the past, and even now. STOP and give yourself a moment to shift the paradigm, break the pattern, discipline the beast, and take back your power. It takes practice, like most things. Taking things moment by moment can build momentum.
Question: What’s your list of things you are presently grateful for?
About four years ago I had another set of life-altering events. I can’t say that I didn’t have some support along the way, but it’s not an exaggeration to say that I mostly went it alone. My choice. I’ve no doubt that my past–especially the bad or unpleasant parts–played a huge role in how I was able to do that. I took an active role in my own life. My steps weren’t certain, by no means. I didn’t know how I’d end up. But I knew I wanted to end up on the other side of the bridge in a good place. I worked for it. I’ll share what an old friend said to me about one of the approaches I took: “You’re running headlong into things people run away from.” All the parts of my past, especially the suffering, made that possible.
You know the saying you can’t know/feel/appreciate joy without knowing sorrow? I’d like to know what you think about that.
I must close here for now….
December 6, 2021 at 8:16 am #389515
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by SSS.
I would like add two cents about shame….
Much later in life I realized that I’d always had an unusual (intense and long-living, and misguided) sense of shame. I also wondered how others could carry on WITHOUT apparent shame after questionable or flat-out wrong/inappropriate behaviors. Especially when someone close to me didn’t exhibit shame, I carried their shame no differently than if I’d been “quilty” of the act/behavior. (E.g.: I once wouldn’t go in my front yard for a very long time b/c of the shame I carried for another person in my family who behaved inappropriately with a neighbor.) I absorbed (other’s) shame like a sponge.
It’s the nature of those suffering with addictions (sexual, substance, etc.) to slide the guilt, shame, anger, etc. onto others.
Anita brings up a very solid point about your father’s actions, and you need to realize them for what they were. For any multitude of reasons, the narrative got changed. You want to believe in the goodness of your parents, but by admitting they did what they did was unreasonable and hurtful doesn’t mean you still can’t love them and find some good in them. It’s not a mutually exclusive deal.
I, too, grew up with physical and sexual abuse from various people. I reached a point where I forgave one person in particular some years down the line when I realized that they were who they were and they likely did the best they could given their personality/issues, but finding that forgiveness meant I had to face the truth about them—and forgiving someone doesn’t dictate that they still aren’t responsible for their behavior, or that what they did is acceptable.
Forgiveness can come just by the passing of time or with very hard work over a long stretch of time. And forgiveness heals you. It. just. does.
All this said, you have a long, hard road ahead. It probably seems impossible right now that you’ll come to terms with all the many things with which you find yourself struggling. But you’ve taken some good steps. That’s how we all begin. Steps. And it took all these years for you to be where you now find yourself, so you know turning it around won’t happen overnight or easily–and might even get worse before it gets better–and that’s okay b/c you’ve started down the path of discovery and healing. On your own, you began this. That takes courage. Because you want it. You’ll get there. Give yourself a break and stop blaming yourself. Just work on taking one step at a time. It’s too daunting otherwise, yes?
Hugs.December 6, 2021 at 7:34 am #389513
Best wishes in your journey, traveler. Hugs.
(Recall Tolkien’s quote: Not all who wander are lost. You’re wandering now, but not lost—-you are searching for something/have a goal/examining yourself/etc.)December 5, 2021 at 4:22 pm #389501
And so it is!
SSS=serenity, serendipity, and simplicity.
Awesome. Thank you.December 5, 2021 at 4:19 pm #389500
You haven’t misunderstood the concept of my question…I was giving the idea a wide berth. But yes, along the lines of the voice being the by-product of something…..ingrained beliefs, and/or of guilt/fear of following a long-held doctrine, or….December 5, 2021 at 4:11 pm #389499
Likecrystal: I already had talked to her by your post. It went well. I liked your suggestion about mentioning the amount of work she put in. Will tuck that away for the future, if need be.
And…when she first told me that she was writing and how she planned to go about getting published, I flooded her with options, from specific writing groups to hook up with, the path of traditional publishing, my long journey on becoming a better writer, etc., but she wasn’t interested. She had a plan. That was that. And while she could’ve written a better piece had she done things differently, in the end she got what she wanted: her story told, her way.
Thanks for your helpful suggestions.December 5, 2021 at 3:18 pm #389485
Does this have bearing, do you think, on your other thread about belief system transitioning? Depending if there was ingraining, it could be a result (even if from guilt, if you feel that). What do you think?December 5, 2021 at 3:04 pm #389478
Ooooh, update. Yes, please.
(Red face) I always pick something meaningful, but when I first registered with this site, I was distracted and rushed with SSS. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make it meaningful now–cart behind the horse! Serenity, Serendipity (which I love), and…what?
What does likecrystal mean, if you care to share.December 5, 2021 at 2:47 pm #389475
Unless the plan is to share only what you need to and exit, the narrative isn’t completely in your control, so I wish you the very best in responding to unwanted inquiries. This clearly means a lot to you and you’ve given it much thought, so it’s likely you will be able to maintain your ground in a respectful manner. It’s harder to fight someone who doesn’t fight back. Be strong, be kind, and realize the tremendous courage it took to have transitioned out of a long-standing circle with independent thought (I’ll assume it was). So we know you have courage, lion. Show your strength and roar quietly.
I know you’re nervous and fearful, but I’m excited for you. Facing fear is freedom. Good for you.December 5, 2021 at 2:17 pm #389453
I don’t know if this is comfortable for you or not, but consider if asked to discuss it for you to say:
I’d really like that/I’d really enjoy that/that would mean a lot to me, but:
I need to have what I say respected/would appreciate respect/hope you can be respectful/would like to ask that you respect what I have to talk about, etc.