Dear Isabel:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation as kindly as you did.

Reading your most recent post, I believe that you crossed the line with this man a couple of times, and I believe that the word you chose for the title of your thread, cheating- is too strong of a word. I think that the word indiscretion or carelessness is a more appropriate word. I would phrase it as time-limited carelessness, perhaps. Considering this, or similar word substitution of your choosing, can help you see your wrongdoing more realistically.

The reason you magnified your wrongdoing is because when you were a child, when you were guilty of wrongdoings- your parents magnified those wrongdoings, misrepresenting them to you as being HUGE.

You wrote regarding your time-limited carelessness: “I still feel horrific… the guilt is still eating me up… I have so much self-loathing… (I)  feel like such a bad mum.  I don’t know what is wrong with me, just wish I could pull myself out of this black hole… what I did was very wrong… overthinking this and not letting it go“- When you were a child, your parents (1) accused you of wrongs that you did not commit, (2) magnified the wrongs that you did commit, (3) did not letting it go, criticizing you harshly.

Based on your words in the quote above, this must be what you repeatedly felt, as a child and a teenager, when criticized by your parents, and when you feared their next criticism: you felt horrific, guilt was eating you up, you hated yourself, you felt like a bad girl and a bad daughter, you felt that something was wrong with you, and that you were sinking into a black hole.

Fast forward, same emotional/ mental experience as back then.

When a child is repeatedly accused by a parent for wrongs that the child didn’t do, and when a child’s real wrongdoings are magnified, the parent’s voice, which is an external voice (the “outer critic”) becomes internalized in the child’s brain, forming the “inner critic”. The inner critic is a mental representative of the critical parent, or parents, acting like they did: accusing you of wrongdoings that you didn’t do and magnifying the wrongdoings that you did.

A parent is supposed to criticize their child when the child commits a wrongdoing, but the criticism is supposed to be (1) about a real wrongdoing, (2) limited in words and time, specific to the wrongdoing, and (3) not harsh.

An example: a child, unprovoked, hits another child (a real wrongdoing). The parent should let the child know clearly and specifically what the wrongdoing is, and why it is wrong- in a calm yet strong voice. The criticism needs to not be harsh. Examples of harsh criticisms: adding unnecessary judgmental words like bad, selfish, stupid, etc., yelling at the child, making fun of the child, threatening the child, locking the child in his room, hitting the child.

You wrote about the man: “he said he didn’t understand and that he must be a selfish person because he doesn’t feel guilty… He even said he is happy with his wife and family.  This is also where I also get stuck because I can’t understand how men can separate the two and not feel guilty“- in his childhood, there was no parent/ outer-critic who told him (neither did he overhear it being told to others) that it was wrong for a boy or a man to be promiscuous. No outer critic on this matter => no inner critic on this matter=> no guilt on this matter.

“I was always accused of stuff that I hadn’t done and toughly disciplined when I made mistakes.  I remember finding some money in a purse at school and spending it on sweets, and the guilt ate me up so much“- by that time, you were repeatedly harshly criticized by your parents, and your inner critic followed suit.

Buying sweets with the money you found was an impulsive child behavior. Children are naturally impulsive, so they shouldn’t be punished for what they can’t help. Instead, they should be gently taught, over time, the concept of self-discipline. Appropriate criticism in this case would be the parent explaining to the child: I understand that you wanted to buy sweets with the money you found because I know how much you like sweets. But next time you find money in a purse, the right thing to do is to take the purse to the principal’s office and hand it to the secretary, so that the secretary can find the person to which the money belongs. Imagine that you lost your money, how would you feel? (Wait for an answer), and you would be so happy if the money was returned to you, wouldn’t you? (Wait for an answer).

In your thread, you imagine the following catastrophe to happen as a result of your time-limited carelessness (the italic feature is my addition): “if I confessed, I would ruin so many lives… it would break his family apart. I would also lose my job… He would never forgive me“. As a child, when you feared what was to happen after you did something wrong, or something that your parents would claim to be wrong, this must have been what you felt (based on your words in the quote above):  expecting your parents to never forgive you, expecting your life to be ruined, broken and lost.

“I also got caught smoking in secondary school and was told by my father that I had caused my mum to have a nervous breakdown“- I am all for discouraging a child/ teenager from smoking. I could understand your father’s harsh criticism in this case if he was gentle in his criticisms on other, way more trivial matters, but that was not the case.

“I definitely have imposter syndrome. That being said what I did was wrong but what I am feeling now is that I need to learn from this and find a way to forgive myself.  I am going to gain nothing from telling my husband other than hurting him and my daughter… I need to find a way to get out of this vicious cycle“-

– I agree that telling your husband about your… time-limited carelessness is a bad idea. To get out of this vicious cycle, it will take the intentional and patient process of forming a different inner critic than the one who is representing your parents. Your new inner critic, unlike your parents, will be logical, reasonable, understanding and kind. The stronger your new inner critic, the weaker the other one will become.

My mother is the source of my harsh, relentless and abusive inner critic. I still hear my mother’s mental rep aka (my old) inner critic. I used to feel so very wrong, all the time, it seems, with hardly a break: everything I did or didn’t do, said or failed to say, the expressions on my face… all were subject to harsh criticism. My life was truly miserable. But my new inner critic is making a big difference in my life: Sometimes I am surprised, when a thought of something I might have done wrong yesterday (however minor) feel like … not a big deal, forgivable, not worthy of overthink it…  how refreshing!

anita