*** Warning this post deals with triggers surrounding pregnancy loss.

I haven’t posted here in some time, but some things have changed since I last did. Life has changed little by little with the man in question and we have recently been through loss together, which seems to have brought us closer than we were before.

In early December I struggled with revealing an unplanned pregnancy, and the announcement to the father was met with shock, terror but an undercurrent of happiness at the same time. The news was left with him for a week to process as we don’t live nearby. I felt like the world became doused in technicolor. Everything was vibrant and hopeful and purposeful. Until a week later when it wasn’t. My miscarriage was extremely uneventful, completely non-painful and like the nurse at the hospital said, had I not known I was pregnant I would’ve thought it was a mild period. The day he was planning to come visit to plan our future I had to tell him I was going to the hospital to confirm that we were losing the baby. There was a lot of sadness, which is still lingering, but overall I feel that this was not meant to be the baby we have, at this time. He was surprised at how much loss he felt, and during this time became open about all of his feelings surrounding the pregnancy. There is never really a silver lining when pregnancy loss is involved, but in this case, we have grown closer, even just in the last few weeks.

He is now discussing moving in with me to try living together and has said he is not completely against trying in the future. He has discussed the reasons why he was hesitant to move in before, and I told him that we can come up with solutions for them. Most of it surround his OCD. He still isn’t willing to write anything in stone, but has given me a timeline for when I should expect this move and it isn’t years out.

I am still processing everything and trying to find a sense of meaning again. I have a new job and finances wouldn’t have been much of an issue. He is the one I want to share most of my feelings with and I feel that we like soldiers who have bonded through war. I really felt like our baby was going to be everything. There wasn’t anything that really bothered me about the world (even this uncertain time we’re in) and I was dedicated to giving he/she the life they would’ve deserved. I feel that it created a sense in him as well, that there is more to life than himself. It expanded his view of connection. I really wanted to embark on that journey with him and felt like everything was going to be okay. At the same time I felt like it was all too good to be true and that it wasn’t really meant for me at the time. I still see a girl in our future, that’s just the vision I have, though it may change.

I feel that we both never really knew if we wanted children until now, and I am sure that I would welcome that into my life again, though I don’t have eons of time to manifest it. So now we move on into uncharted territories of grief and hope for eventual light at the end of the tunnel. I feel now more than even, a sense that we will remain bonded for some time.