Dear Christina (Mepina= screen name):

Back on April 25, 2021, you agreed that I will update your thread once in a while. Almost eight months later, I am doing so. You started this thread on April 20, 2017, almost 4 years and 8 months ago, and your last post was on April 27, 2021. On your first day posting, you shared (in all of my quotes on this post, I will make some grammatical and other edits for the purpose of easier reading):

“One of my issues is my difficulty saying ‘No’. I have the tendency to always be positive and say ‘Yes’. I have problems ending relationships and bad situations in general. I started psychotherapy to help me understand why I am so afraid”.

In the next days, June 21-23, 2017, you shared: “My main problem is that I am afraid to make other people sad or angry. I have a general problem saying NO to people, knowing I will hurt them or disappoint them. I feel that I disappointed the other person, and I am a bad person for hurting him/ her. I generally do this: If one is upset with me, even if I am 100% right, I feel guilty and sad…

“I think that as a child, I was feeling that I was disappointing my mom. Many times, she was becoming disappointed with me, telling me: ‘oh, that was very childish of you, and I didn’t expect it from you, you should be more mature and grown up’. And then she was distant and sad and sometimes, she was not talking to me for a long time- that was quite a punishment, I guess. So, in my efforts to win her again, I tried to be good and do the things she wanted, so that I would not disappoint her anymore- behave like an adult and less like a child”,

January 18, 2018: “I learned as a kid to try my best to satisfy my mother and be always like a grown-up, talk nicely, not be sad or angry, never say no”, February 12. 2018: “I am still afraid of re-feeling that pain and I keep on trying to avoid it by letting others manipulate me. Based on others’ needs and expectations, I try to be the ideal girlfriend, the ideal lover, the ideal employee, the ideal friend, fearing that people will leave me if I say No, or oppose something they want. At least now, I understand why I am afraid, and how that old pain of having a distant & strict mother caused this fear”,

April 23, 2021: “Growing up in a family where dad was leaving for big trips all the time, and mum was very controlling. I was constantly feeling the fear of abandonment by my dad, and the fear of rejection by my mom. I was always trying to be the perfect daughter, friend, student, girlfriend, employee etc., so to avoid the pain of rejection or abandonment. Such a constant never-ending agony!”,

April 25, 2021: “This was my lifetime pattern, without noticing it, of course: I believed that my actions were defining others’ behaviors towards me. If I were a good child, my mother would be happy. If I was a good student, my teachers would praise me. If I was a good friend, my friends would never leave me. If I was a good employee, my bosses would never fire me. If I was a good girlfriend, my boyfriend would always love me and would treat me nicely. A constant and tiring fight to satisfy them all”.

On July 11, 2017, you shared regarding a boyfriend: “He knew that I had this guilt issues, and so he is now trying to punish me with his silence. As I analyzed before, this was always a scary situation for me, having caused pain or anger to others, and then they blame me, accuse me and stop talking to me. I was trying hard during the whole relationship to prevent this from happening, ignoring my desires and my needs many times. I fear rejection and disapproval and silent treatment from someone I really love”.

January 30, 2018: “I was trying during my relationship to be the perfect girlfriend for him, to transform to what he needed, neglecting my dreams, my desires, my personal path in this life. I took a new ‘role’ just to make him happy. His happiness was supposed to be my success, my happiness, my accomplishment. It was a constant agony, a battle to make it”.

You wrote regarding your healing process, April 23, 2021: “I still have more to learn. I haven’t solved all my problems, I am still learning, and sometimes I still fall, but I always come back, stronger and stronger. I am also in a relationship for the last 8 months with a person who expresses his feelings and thoughts all the time without any guilt or shame. He is not changing who he is, neither does he try to change me. I am totally allowed to be myself and express my feelings. I can finally be the child I could not be with my mom. Anger and sadness were forbidden feelings. I now feel accepted and loved no matter how I feel. Fear is still there, but less. My name is Christina, and this is my story and my healing process”.

April 25, 2021:”I gave space and time to myself, to look inside me and finally start to take care of me and choose in my life persons who respect me. My healing process, as I said, is going on, and I will post more things here – I am so happy I started this thread back then. It is nice that my feelings and thoughts of that time, were written somewhere”.

My thoughts today:

(1) On April 25, 2021, you wrote: “When I was 3-4, I still remember, that I was thinking I had 2 mothers who were identical, but one was the good, loving and caring, and another that was distant, angry and cold to me. And I believed that my actions would result on which mother would come each time”-I can’t think of a more accurate description of Splitting. When a child’s parent behaves consistently enough, going from loving to gently disapproving, but still loving, the child can see the parent as one person. But when a child’s parent changes his/her behavior drastically, going from loving to very angry, the child mentally splits the parent into two: a good, loving parent, and a bad, angry parent.

Once the parent is split, the child believes that which of the two versions of a parent she gets at any one time is a reflection of the child’s behavior: the good child invites the good parent, the bad child invites the bad parent. And so, the child is mentally split as well, in the child’s own mind.

The child is not aware that she may not the cause of her parent’s very inconsistent behavior. The child instinctively prefers to believe that she (the child) is the cause of which parent she gets because it gives her a sense of control. It is scarier to believe that getting the bad parent at any one time is not up to her, not in her control.

Christina, your story is a strong testament that silent treatments given to a child by a parent are very scary. Your mother did not yell at you or hit you, but her angry, disapproving silent treatments were powerful enough to cause your splitting, which extended into your adulthood in all contexts: friendships, romantic relationships, school and the workplace. Each of the following were split into good and bad: friends, boyfriend(s), teachers, employers.

The cost of feeling safer as a child, believing that you have the power to choose which friend, boyfriend, etc. you get, is a huge cost in adulthood, like you stated: “a constant never-ending agony!… A battle to make it“, a life of taking on different roles tailored to please different people, neglecting your own “personal path in this life”.

I have no doubt that you have been genuinely engaged in the healing process. But I also know that our healing journeys sometimes stop. For example, back in April you were involved in a new romantic relationship. Maybe that relationship didn’t turn out well and that was a stop sign in your healing journey.

A couple of other thoughts entered my mind a moment ago: (1) Taking on roles tailored to please different people (trying to be perfect in this or that role, for this or that person), likely extended to the context of your psychotherapy and led to you doing very well in therapy, (2) It is possible that you did not post here since April because you did not want to disappoint me/ the readers.

Christina, if you are reading this, I would love to read from you again, and I promise you (in case you need this promise): I will not be disappointed of you, nor will I be angry at you!

anita