Dear miyoid:

I hope that you are doing well, and that you are continuing to make progress in being a chooser and directing your own life!

You mentioned long ago, in your very first post, on June 7, 2019, that you have “the anxious attachment style with partners” and that you fear abandonment. I suggested to you long ago- not at all as a professional, which I am not- that the mental health diagnostic label separation anxiety disorder in adults fits you. I still believe that you indeed display the anxious attachment style and that you have suffered from separation anxiety as a child, and as an adult. Yesterday I came across the dependent personality disorder (DPD) diagnostic label that I think fits you perfectly. Maybe it will help you to consider this diagnosis and seek an evaluation from a professional.

My best unprofessional understanding of the term personality disorder is that it is patterns of cognition (thinking), emotional/ physical experiences, and behaviors, that are pervasive and enduring maladaptive patterns, meaning they are harmful. These patterns start in late adolescence or early adulthood, and can last a lifetime unless significant, long-term healing takes place.

* I was diagnosed (by a professional) with borderline personality disorder, and I no longer fit the diagnosis after about 6 years of healing. I also suffered for many years from features of DPD: the very distressing distrust in my ability to make choices (In my case, I distrusted my ability to make choices as small as which ice-cream flavor I should choose), and from subordination and passivity (see below).

Paraphrasing my understanding of a personality disorder: a person suffers from a personality disorder when the person regularly and repeatedly thinks and behaves in ways that are harming the person. The person often feels very badly, lots of anxiety and depression, but he/she does not understand much about what is happening and why: he/she lacks adequate insight, if any- which is a hallmark of personality disorders.

I will quote from Wikipedia on the topic of DPD (including wiki’s quotes from the American DSM-5, and the WHO’s ICD-10) italicizing the print, and I will put quotes of what you shared in bold print.  My comments will be in standard print.

About choosing: “People who have dependent personality disorder are overdependent on other people when it comes to making decisions. They cannot make a decision on their own as they need constant approval… excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others… they do not have the confidence to trust their decisions“- “I consider myself as someone who cannot choose… I don’t choose people, they choose me. And I stay in their life as long as they continue choosing“.

About abandonment/ separation anxiety: “These individuals display a fear of separation and cannot stand being alone…(feel) uncomfortable or helpless when alone…Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends… Preoccupation with fears of being abandoned by a person with whom one has a close relationship…When alone, they experience feelings of isolation and loneliness due to their overwhelming dependence on other people”–

– “I pick whomever that I can get affection from… my anxiety appears when I don’t get that affection. I always worry about losing that affection I guess, or that person…Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns. I simply didn’t want to continue my life in those moments“.

About distrust in professional abilities: “(Many have) difficulty initiating projects or doing things on their own (because of a lack of self confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)“- “I am a person who has many hobbies, interests in life. I am simply a jack of all trades, master of none… I’m stuck in between projects or stuff like that, and I cannot ever feel satisfied with what I did… I realized that all this stuff I thought I loved, I just love the outcome. For example, I thought I loved drawing, designing, handling business, communication, interpreting, video-editing, reading, languages. But I’ve realized, I don’t like the process of doing those… I just wanted outcomes, not processes“.

About being assertive/ making reasonable demands: “Unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on the people one depends on“- “I still have a hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much”.

About subordination and passivity: “Subordination of one’s own needs to those of others…  and undue compliance with their wishes… People with DPD tend to show passive and clingy behavior“.

About childhood: “People with a history of neglect and an abusive upbringing are more susceptible to develop DPD“- “I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears… emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times… I thought I was never ‘loved’ and when I finally get the love I need, I’ll get better… my childhood was 90% depressed…  I was just neglected a lot“.

One of Theodore Millon’s DPD 5 Sub-types is termed “Restlessly perturbed” and is described as: “disconcerted and fretful; feels dread and foreboding; apprehensively vulnerable to abandonment; lonely unless near supportive figures“- I think this sub-type fits you in real life, doesn’t it?

Treatment: “People who have DPD are generally treated with psychotherapy. The main goal of this therapy is to make the individual more independent and help them form healthy relationships with the people around them. This is done by improving their self-esteem and confidence. Medication can be used to treat patients who suffer from depression or anxiety because of their DPD, but this does not treat the core problems caused by DPD“.

I read elsewhere that one of the treatment goals of a personality disorder is the goal of “preventing further deterioration”, which I can understand because through the decades between the start of my BPD and the time I was diagnosed with it, my mind and my life deteriorated. I think of it as a ball of mud (dysfunction) rolling down a hill, gathering more and more mud as it rolls down, becoming bigger and bigger.

Other treatment goals: “regaining an adaptive equilibrium, alleviating symptoms, restoring lost skills, and fostering improved adaptive capacity”- (1) learning skills such as choosing and asserting oneself, (2) changing maladaptive/harmful thinking and behaviors into adaptive/ helpful thinking and behavior, and (3) feeling better, stable- as a result.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .