Hi Anita and Teak, thank you for the insights. I feel that your responses have been helpful, yet at the same time sometimes a little bit of an exaggeration. Perhaps I don’t convey all of the details of the situation as well as I can. I agree with Anita, in that he likely has OCPD and a few concurrent OCD tendencies. Yes he is aware that it will be hard to live with someone else, as having lived with a male roommate before who didn’t practice the most basic cleanliness made him extremely resentful. He knows that I am tidy and as classified in the OCPD personality, he doesn’t necessarily externalize a lot of his perfectionism, he internalizes it. So, he doesn’t bother me with a lot of the things that bother him. I am pretty OCD about cleaning having grown up with a clean freak for a mom, but she would be constantly complaining about a few crumbs or the like. I feel like he doesn’t put that on me and therefore doesn’t make me feel entirely anxious. The specific things he’s mentioned that he dislikes I feel that I can help with and they will be less of a bother in time as he will see that I am trying to help. We never have actual fights about cleaning and he doesn’t spend all of his time and effort fixing things that I don’t do either. I think his is a pretty mild case. I think it’s mostly about control in his environment, due to a lack of control in childhood.

I suspect that the OCPD would stem from issues of growing up with a very critical and emotionally cold mother, a potentially abusive father (he admits he got beat when he deserved it), and I believe he does lack awareness of why he operates the way he does. He seems to have originally created the ideal of someone perfect who would demonstrate similar quirks to him, as the only remedy for his depression and the lack of control he likely consistently feels. I now see why he tried to break up early on, why he has been against living together, why he says he does not feel romantic love. Showing love and affection would be seen as weak and he may lose control if it is revealed. I see that I’ve already been doing what he needs for love and affection to be fostered within our relationship. We’ve been building trust, companionship, moments of romance, care and affection, acceptance… All of these things make me believe that he may have a hard time living with me, or raising a child, but at the same time we we have the foundation to make it successful. I don’t believe he makes the people around him suffer the way he does internally. I’ve mentioned that he should seek help in the past, but he was not ready. It would be hard to discuss emotions in therapy, when that is the one thing he tries to hide best. I feel that there is still enough of a workable relationship to have everything come together, even if it means that I shoulder more of the emotional responsibility. I can see that he is trying little by little, and there is no abuse in our relationship. Anytime he crosses a line, where he gets “disappointed” in me I will remind him that he did not appropriately communicate what his needs were, and that he cannot expect me to rise to a concealed expectation. I told him I am not perfect, and I will always try to work with him, and respect his differences, but he must also respect mine and be willing to acknowledge my efforts for things I do.

I know the portrait I portray on paper has not always been flattering. ON paper the relationship probably appears to be unworkable, and he may appear to be more damaged, but I do want to stress as Anita, pointed out that sometimes the responses I feel I’ve gotten have come from a place of potential bias or impatience. I’m sure that some of the things I point out about my relationship with this man remind anyone who is reading about a relationship they have had. It’s easy to forget that within every relationship, there is a different framework and it’s personal. It’s so easy to tell a friend to leave a guy she’s with because we only hear the skewed evidence for why he’s a loser.

I feel that within this relationship I have grown a lot and whether I am naive in thinking the relationship will continue to grow, I believe it will. I am someone who has faith in theories like neuroplasticity and the ability for someone to change, even without professional help. I believe that I have a lot of awareness regarding who we are and why we operate the way we do, and a lot of it has come from discussions on here as well. I can slowly share some of this awareness with him, and do my best to be the secure one in the relationship, as he is heavily anxious avoidant. Less so as time goes on. I feel like the man I am with is a tender, innately kind, intelligent human being who teaches me more integrity everyday. People with OCPD can be intolerant and harsh and can use every excuse in the book to separate from you and try to remain independent, but I still love him just the same. His qualities almost balance out mine. I need more order and structure to life at times and he needs to relax and let go more at times. I disagree, I think we will eventually get our trial at living together, even if he knocks the idea down a few more times before he agrees to try. I’m not denying that there won’t be hiccups, but I feel that he’s rational enough to work through them with me, and understanding enough to handle me feeling overwhelmed. He has already tried sleeping in my bed more often to adjust. Baby steps. I think him having his own room to retire to and have his own space will help a lot, as well as me working three nights a week where he can unwind on his own.

Overall the insights that I’ve gained here here have been helpful, and they’ve helped to reinforce my own beliefs about this relationship. I have often felt my beliefs were delusional, because some were based on feelings and not rational thought, but sometimes feelings are rational idea with the lack of current evidence to back them up.

I will say that I’ve been through enough relationships to know now that if this relationship became hostile I would not stay, and yes I would’ve raised the child on my own had he not wanted to be a part of that. I can see now that he greatly wanted to be a part of it and would want it in the future. Everything just feels more calm and settled now and these posts don’t require the same dissection as they once did. I agree in trying to better oneself and seek help and grow to our ultimate potential, but at the same time, we must accept who are in this moment, and we must accept others as they are in this moment (as long as they do not inflict harm on us or others). We need to be compassionate as much as we are critical. At the moment compassion is working for my relationship. I may seem naive or deluded, but I trust that I have some awareness within my intimate framework. I am always trying for more.