Dear Michelle,

ON paper the relationship probably appears to be unworkable, and he may appear to be more damaged, but I do want to stress as Anita, pointed out that sometimes the responses I feel I’ve gotten have come from a place of potential bias or impatience. I’m sure that some of the things I point out about my relationship with this man remind anyone who is reading about a relationship they have had.

That’s true, I am speaking from a personal experience in an unequal relationship, in which there was an unhealthy mother-child dynamic, instead of two adults, so this affects my judgment for sure. My attraction for this person came from a place of hurt, and I suffered in the relationship. Luckily it didn’t last long.

But for you, it doesn’t sound like you are suffering, at least not any more. It seems you are learning to accept him as he is, while setting some boundaries to protect yourself:

Anytime he crosses a line, where he gets “disappointed” in me I will remind him that he did not appropriately communicate what his needs were, and that he cannot expect me to rise to a concealed expectation. I told him I am not perfect, and I will always try to work with him, and respect his differences, but he must also respect mine and be willing to acknowledge my efforts for things I do.

So you are not allowing to be unfairly criticized or condemned by him. That’s good. And you say you don’t feel abused, which is also good (I can see that he is trying little by little, and there is no abuse in our relationship).

People with OCPD can be intolerant and harsh and can use every excuse in the book to separate from you and try to remain independent, but I still love him just the same.

Is he intolerant and harsh too? Or he is learning to be more tolerant and less harsh, as you are setting boundaries around some of his harsh behavior?

He has already tried sleeping in my bed more often to adjust. Baby steps. I think him having his own room to retire to and have his own space will help a lot, as well as me working three nights a week where he can unwind on his own.

Yes, him having his own room sounds like a very good idea. Is that possible in your current apartment, or you would need to rent a bigger apartment, to have a spare room for him?

yes I would’ve raised the child on my own had he not wanted to be a part of that.

Good, it means you feel ready and capable of raising a child on your own. That’s quite remarkable (again, this is me speaking from my own bias, since I myself would have felt very inadequate if I had to raise a child alone).

I can see now that he greatly wanted to be a part of it and would want it in the future.

That’s nice too, at least he’s not against it a priori.

I agree in trying to better oneself and seek help and grow to our ultimate potential, but at the same time, we must accept who are in this moment, and we must accept others as they are in this moment (as long as they do not inflict harm on us or others).

Yes, it’s important that you don’t feel emotionally abused and suffering. Usually, another precondition for a successful relationship is that we should accept the person as they are, without trying to change them, without even hoping that they should change. It seems to me you are accepting him as he is at the moment, but still hoping he would change – with your help – slowly, gradually, with lots of compassion and understanding on your part (We need to be compassionate as much as we are critical. At the moment compassion is working for my relationship.)

My premise and experience so far was that trying to change someone who is emotionally unavailable and wounded doesn’t really work… but for the two of you, it might work, if both of you have enough patience and compassion with each other. In any case, you are determined to keep going, to give it a try, and I wish you all the best. I wish that you can be truly happy and content in the relationship.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Tee.