Dear TeaK and anita,

You both are right. I guess all these years the love for each other is faded and we are just using the comfort place to sit in between someone of us says it’s enough and break it off for forever. After that fight I wanted to write him a text saying that he hurt me so much but he texted me cold, we talked little about that date, he still stated that it doesn’t matter to him now, that everything it doesn’t matter to him anymore. And that makes me furious of course because I can’t find the reason then why sitting with me. If he doesn’t decide to treat me right or do this time like it should then why both suffer? We continued talking but there is a distance between us, it’s cold and friendly, nothing much.

I am very sick and over this situationship because I can’t believe that in 7 years he never did show me respect and love. And without shame and guilt I am stating that because it’s true. He never did anything serious so I can feel loved and official. When I think of how I’ve never meet his family through these years, I’ve never attended holidays with him or properly celebrated without a fight. He never bought me gift (maybe 2 times and it’s sad to think of that because I loved buying him things and doing things for him, he loved). I was so unappriciated and I am so sorry for myself he made me think that all these years he made me think everything it’s my fault. It never was. Maybe he is not capable of love or he is totally incompatible with me.

And I’ve became so distant because finally after so many years I realized my worth, I gained small self respect and confidence and I am braver that before. And I know that bothers him. Because I am saying no to his bad behaviour and that will be the deal breaker for him. I am just happy that I am self conscious now about a lot of things and I am not blind and thinking oh, he loves me. No, he doesn’t. Even if he did in some point, his love hurt me. It was not that love that will make me grow, be happy and healthy. And I want that for me. My priority is being myself and happy and finally with peace.

Of course I am sad that it will lead to forever end because I’ve always fantazised about having kids with him etc. but growing kids with someone so close-minded and patriachial who doesn’t respect me and love me the way I should be loved would be equal to murdering our kids. I don’t want my kids to see unappreciated bad love in front of them and to think that is okay. I want to be the cycle breaker in my own parents patterns and in my love relationships.

In some way I am very happy and I don’t regret that what happened. I know that growing was meant at this moment not later or before.