Dear TeaK,

Thank you for your understanding. I believe it so, because of my dad (my elementary school teacher too) had high expectations on me. When I was young, I did wrong once because I forgot to do my homework. My teacher criticised me in front of the whole class and told me that she was so disappointed in me. When I heard that, I broke down straight away and half of the girls in the class boycotted me, so I felt super humiliated and useless at that time.

I know my dad shouldn’t do that, but it’s the way he talks because it runs in family blood (my grandpa). Even though I’m grown-up now, he still criticises me when I make mistakes. I believe his behaviour has had a big impact on me, slowly accumulating from a young age, and subconsciously has taken a toll on me.

Feeling weak and vulnerable is really sucks. Sometimes I wish I could have joined the military, thinking that maybe then I would be strong enough to handle the pressure and obstacles. Actually I’m learning to stop thinking negative thoughts and allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. But when I tell myself that it’s okay to fail or make mistakes, my inner self denies it and tells myself that if you do this way, you can do better because you’re weak and that’s why it happens. This just happened to me recently. I was overwhelmed by my own emotions and had panic attacks. I couldn’t even control my thoughts and forgot to tell myself I should stop. I guess I need more practice and can’t hope that I will change my mind in a short time, right?