Forum Replies Created
January 25, 2022 at 4:43 am #391840
I’m sorry for not responding lately, I tried not to go online because I saw my friends posting any good news about their lives on social media. I am still taking the time to redefine everything in my life and what I want to do in it. Still not much has changed, but I believe I will do well.
Really appreciate you checking on me, Anita. You are such a lovely person I’ve met online. Thank you and Virtual hugs 🙂January 5, 2022 at 6:49 am #390775
My concern and your healing should not about your father: about his childhood, about what he was taught and what he was not taught. Your healing needs to be about you: about your childhood, about what you were taught and not taught.
I understand your concern, Anita. This is my childhood, my life, not his. Because of what he has done to me, I should be more focused on healing myself. You are right. It’s just my concern that if I faced great hardship, I’d be screaming and blaming him for everything because of his actions, and of course, I hope that doesn’t happen to me, because I know how much it hurts my father and me.
If your plan is to do something big that will “change the world”, no wonder you feel overwhelmed by it. Perhaps the first thing would be to evaluate how feasible the plan is, is it just “a pie in the sky”, or it’s feasible but you need to break it down into smaller steps, make an action plan etc…
No, actually it is just a simple things like try to post a video on YouTube. When thinking about I have to use a lot of time to watch tutorials and don’t have special content, then it just stopped me to execute it. I also thought of starting a business, then when I think that I have to use a lot of time to do research, it stopped me again. I guess I’m too weak at take action immediately.January 4, 2022 at 7:48 am #390742
if you feel your current job isn’t the ultimate fulfillment of your dreams, you can be aware of that and aspire for something else, but you don’t need to rush and quit your job immediately.
I guess I have to think twice before I quit my job. I always have plan after I quit my job, but once I quit it, I’m too lazy to execute the plan. Probably I need to deal with laziness and procrastination too. I have read a lot about how to deal with laziness and procrastination, but it doesn’t work for me after one week.
Perhaps a part-time job would be an option? It doesn’t have to be a dream job, but just something temporary, that helps you pay for the therapist and allows you enough free time to explore your passions and interest
Yeah, that’s sound a good way too. I’m looking for jobs now, hope I could get a chance to get an interview with the companies. Fingers crossed.
these feelings will return. Maybe you already felt badly between the time that you submitted your recent optimistic post and the time you are reading this post. When new optimism is met with feeling badly again and again, and yet again, most people lose their optimism and give up, concluding that whatever lessons they thought they learned- those lessons don’t really work in real life, or that they are too weak to actualize those lessons.
Oh my god, these feelings did return to me after the New Year! I believe I was disappointed to myself again because I didn’t execute any of my plan. I feel so awful. But I tried to talk to my inner self, telling myself to relax and it’s okay. It takes time to have a big changes. While I was telling myself, my panic attacked happened at the same time again.
Whenever you feel badly about not living up to your father’s expectations and making it possible for him to retire early, remind yourself that this failure is a consequence of his actions as your father.
I’m worried I will blame my dad for every failure, because no one taught him how to be a father in a right way? I’m not sure about this, Anita,
if you feel significantly less than hate and dead, you are not likely to become overwhelmed and react impulsively to the emotional extremes by, for example, quitting jobs
I guess I have watched too many motivation talks, that’s ask people to quit their jobs if they don’t like it. Haha
Happy New Year! Thank you for your reply.
Could you share with me how did you persevere and not give up? I give up very easily. Maybe I need a faith that never let me give up on.December 31, 2021 at 10:10 pm #390559
Dear anita and TeaK,
Wishing you and your loved one Happy New Year! May you all find happiness, prosperity and everything your heart dreams. Be safe and healthy as always!
I am glad that I made the move to seek help from tinybuddha.com at the end of 2021. I really appreciate your sincere efforts to give me some advice, understanding and support.
I also think it would be important to have someone non-judgmental, whom you can confide in and be honest about your fears and insecurities. Your therapist can be such a person for you… do you feel free to be completely honest and vulnerable with your therapist?
Yes, I feel free to be completely honest and show my vulnerable with my therapists. It just the fees is hard for me to continue with them.
After reading all your messages and reflecting on them, I have concluded the lessons that I need to learn;
1. Is time to rely on others, seek for help when needed.
2. Is okay to be weak and vulnerable and vulnerability is an asset, not an obstacle.
3. Don’t listen to external or inner critic, tell myself I’m good enough, is okay to fail and fear.
4. Slow down and don’t rush for big goals. Instead try to accomplish small little goals and enjoy during the process of achieving them.
5. Have daily resolutions, not year resolutions.
Is there anything else I could add?
I want to make improvement day by day and become a better me, most importantly break free from my tower!December 30, 2021 at 3:28 am #390511
Dear Anita & TeaK,
When I read both of yours reply, I cried so hard. It felt like after a long time, someone finally understood me. Thank you for giving me a different perspective on this issue.
in a gentle fatherly voice and with a kind look in his eyes, he should have told you something like this: I understand, my precious daughter.
I always thought that if my parents or someone else spoke to me in a gentle voice it would make me weaker or would make me take it for granted to depends on someone. And that my father was right and that he should be strict with me to make me stronger and more independent in life. This also made me never seek help from others; I always tried my best to do everything on my own.
I think that’s why I always choose to run and hide myself when someone criticizes me, and if someone criticizes me, it triggers a panic attack. Every time I meet anyone or a stranger, I have to be constantly on guard in case others will criticize me.
because your father presented to you the belief that small things don’t matter and the “bigger things in life” (his words) are all that matter, you believe it yourself, avoiding the small things and wanting the “bigger goals overnight” (your words).
To be honest, I’m not sure about this. All I know is that I always look down on the little things and think they are too boring. It never shows what I can do, but I’m always make mistakes in small things. While looking down on the small things, afraid to do the big things. How should I break this?
My mother brought me up similarly to how her mother brought her up… with lots of criticism and very little empathy. Your father and grandfather sound the same…
I’m sorry to hear you had the same experience and I hope you’ve gone out from it. 🙂
However, it seems your father has only been supportive if you are winning, if you are strong and fearless, if you are not afraid. But he hasn’t been supportive if you are losing, if you feel weak and afraid, if you feel confused and are lacking direction.
Yes! Oh my god, you are right! Whenever I have direction in my life, He supports me. But whenever I lost my way, He didn’t care at all, and He never sat down to talk to me about everything. I guess he just doesn’t know how to show care and love in the right way. I always feel unworthy of love when I’m weak, not successful in life. I’m too afraid to meet my friends, my former colleagues, because I thought I’m too bad in everything.
It would be like an inner cheer-leader, or an inner compassionate parent, who has a lot of empathy and understanding for you, specially when you feel weak and useless. Have you perhaps gotten in touch with that voice too?
Yes, I did get in touch with the gentle voice, after I learn to stop thinking negative thoughts. There’s a small small voice telling me I’m good enough, is okay to fear or fail. I’m glad that it got some improvement.December 28, 2021 at 8:04 am #390453
Thank you for your understanding. I believe it so, because of my dad (my elementary school teacher too) had high expectations on me. When I was young, I did wrong once because I forgot to do my homework. My teacher criticised me in front of the whole class and told me that she was so disappointed in me. When I heard that, I broke down straight away and half of the girls in the class boycotted me, so I felt super humiliated and useless at that time.
I know my dad shouldn’t do that, but it’s the way he talks because it runs in family blood (my grandpa). Even though I’m grown-up now, he still criticises me when I make mistakes. I believe his behaviour has had a big impact on me, slowly accumulating from a young age, and subconsciously has taken a toll on me.
Feeling weak and vulnerable is really sucks. Sometimes I wish I could have joined the military, thinking that maybe then I would be strong enough to handle the pressure and obstacles. Actually I’m learning to stop thinking negative thoughts and allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. But when I tell myself that it’s okay to fail or make mistakes, my inner self denies it and tells myself that if you do this way, you can do better because you’re weak and that’s why it happens. This just happened to me recently. I was overwhelmed by my own emotions and had panic attacks. I couldn’t even control my thoughts and forgot to tell myself I should stop. I guess I need more practice and can’t hope that I will change my mind in a short time, right?December 27, 2021 at 10:36 pm #390438
I’m sorry if I’m expressing this a little messy because I’m not sure what’s wrong to my life and my thoughts are a little bit jumbled. Hope we can piece it all together and figure it out. Thank you all very much indeed for your time, from my bottom of my heart.
Thank you for your suggestions. I will try to list down what small goals I can achieve for now instead of always thinking of achieving bigger goals overnight. Because I always think about achieving big goals or finding my passion while also worrying that it will cost me a lot of money when I achieve or go for it. Probably I’m too worried about the uncertainty of the future.
I wonder if the reason for resigning is that you don’t feel good enough in what you’re doing – which causes you stress and panic attacks – rather than the lack of spark? Or maybe it’s the lack of spark that causes you to underperform, which then causes you to feel not good enough?
You have asked a very good question. I seriously never thought about that. I think I like to being creative to think about design concept but the design process I don’t like it. For example: I like to stir-fry the food but I hate chopping or cutting the meat. I love a small part of it and hate most of it. I guess I was naive to think I could find a job that I liked it all.
My parents are always supportive for everything I want to do in my life. That’s why I really appreciate them and want to help them to retired earlier. Because I was among the many children, I was the best academically, in terms of overall performance. So my dad has highly expectations on me. But my dad did always criticised me when I didn’t do well in anything. When I cried because I was stressed about small things, he would criticised me that why I was being so weak and useless, how could I achieve bigger things in life if I can’t even handle a little stress and small obstacles. I believe he is trying to comfort me and telling me it is okay, not a big deal.
Your desire to provide for your family so they can retire, and at the same time chase your passion might be somewhat of a contradiction in itself.
I understand that. I guess I don’t want to sacrifice any of it? I know that is hard to balance or have everything in the same time. Maybe I should learn how to let it go.
Fast forward, you did not succeed in giving your parents a better life, so your own life is still on hold. Did I understand correctly?
I think you got it on point. I’m keep thinking should I earn money for my parents first? Or I should try and find my passion? But If I work the job I hate it just for money, I will feel my life is dead. At the same time, If I go to find my passion, I will think that I’m too selfish and not thinking about how hard my parents are. As my therapist told me is okay to try and error. But what if I will probably end up broke without any working experience and let my parents down. That’s why my life is still on hold. I don’t have courage to make a move.December 27, 2021 at 8:19 am #390399
Sometimes family means well but falls short of their intentions. While money concerns can weaken passion, I think it’s the fear of failure that is the true death of passion.
I’m totally agree with you on this. I was too impulsive and wanted to be successful overnight. I want to be successful because I want my parents to retire and enjoy their lives, they had been through a lot of hardships. The most afraid of disappointing person is my dad if I failed anything. To be honest, I don’t care about the money, I just need it for my parents so they can have a better life. So I can freely chase my passion.
Also, wanted to prove myself to those people who looked down on me. From kindergarten to junior high school, I used to be boycotted by my classmates. So this also lead to my low self-esteem. I don’t know if this has anything to do with my loop.
So I believe that my family and freedom are indispensable things in my life. I always feel like I’m stuck in a tower, couldn’t get out from it. So if I started to do something, I knew that I will back in the loop which is giving up again. Now, I really lost the confidence to start anything.
Any suggestions on where I can start to make changes? I want to have a better version of myself in 2022. I have been in this tower for 8 years, I want to break free and I believe I can do it!December 27, 2021 at 4:12 am #390394
I have already gotten the biggest help from you, Donna, that you are here to listen and reply me. Really appreciate for taking your time to read my problems.
“According to my family I just need to be content with mundane living and not look for passion.”
That’s what my family and friends told me too! I’m really upset and frustrated when I heard this. I’m totally feel for you, Donna. That’s why I don’t want to be like them, living a mundane life for this lifetime.
I guess the most common cause of my weakening interest is I don’t feel like achieving anything instantly? and of course, money wise too.December 27, 2021 at 2:44 am #390391
Thank you for your understanding and your kind words.
Here’s an example, I ran away from piano exam when I was twelve because I don’t want to fail it and embarrassed of myself. So I lied to my parents that I wanted to focus on my school exam and didn’t have enough time to practice my piano. So I quit it which I deeply regretting about it now. I hate myself because I didn’t being honest with my parents, maybe they could support me and let me know is okay to be fear. Another example is when I was working part time at high school, I couldn’t find a joy from it, then I simply did my work and made a lot mistakes. I was so scared that my boss would find out and fire me, so I decided to quit it before he find out.
Yes, I didn’t know what I liked, so my mum suggested design course would better for me because my drawing skills is better than study books. Also, my mum always wanted to be a designer but she just dropped out of uni because of financial problem.December 26, 2021 at 7:23 pm #390383
Thank you for your warm reply.
1. I couldn’t remember what brought me joy in the good times. Maybe family and friends being there to support me? But they are just tired to listen my problems and dreams now. They always changed the conversation of topic every time when I talked about that or ignore me. So I have been keeping everything to myself when I noticed their reactions towards me. I totally understand why they are doing this to me. As I always change my dreams and yet, I don’t take any actions for that. I like to see nice design and buildings but doesn’t like to work as a designer. Just like I like to eat, but don’t enjoy cooking.
2. I used to enjoy watching tv series and movies, but I recently I don’t find any interested in that anymore. I feel like I watch tv is a moment just to escape from the reality or escape the problems I should face in my life. I have lost my motivation and I’m not interested in anything anymore. Not even food, clothes, money.
3. My therapist was the one I could talked to. Unfortunately, it is too expensive to continue and it didn’t help much.
4. I have been trying out a lot of things lately like programming, cooking, web design, do business, etc. But I lost my passion in them too quickly like just in a week.