Dear ginn

“I always thought that if my parents or someone else spoke to me in a gentle voice it would make me weaker or would make me…  depends on someone“-before a toddler can walk independently, he needs to depend on someone: to hold someone’s hand as he takes his first steps. Later, after enough practice, the hand is removed, and the infant can walk all by himself. Similarly, for a child (or an adult), to be emotionally independent-enough, the child has to depend on someone else first.

We are all born dependent, physically and emotionally. The shift from dependence to independence needs to be done gently and gradually.

“I always thought… that my father was right and that he should be strict with me to make me stronger and more independent in life“- back to the infant who cannot yet walk independently, let’s say the infant is upright for a moment, holding on to a chair. What would help the infant start walking: a gentle, guiding hand or a rough push?

The rough push will cause the upright infant to Fall, not to Walk!

Also, it’s not the infant’s choice to not walk, the infant is not refusing to walk so to annoy the parent; the infant naturally cannot yet walk, and he is naturally afraid to walk and fall. Fear needs to be managed with gentleness not with strictness!

“This also made me never seek help from others; I always tried my best to do everything on my own“- like I said, you first have to depend on another before you can become independent. For you, to become emotionally and practically independent, you need to depend on someone first: to seek help and receive help. It’s still the same rule for you, as an adult, as it was when you were a child: dependence first, independence next.

“If someone criticizes me, it triggers a panic attack. Every time I meet anyone or a stranger, I have to be constantly on guard in case others will criticize me“- being criticized is like that rough push I mentioned, a push that causes you to fall, emotionally.

“I always look down on the little things and think they are too boring“- maybe because in fantasy, when you imagine things, everything is easy, fast and magnificent, like in a movie. But real life is slow and often difficult. In fantasy you can become an international superstar and perform in five countries all in five minutes. In real life, it will take years to be competent enough to dance in a local charity event.

“I always make mistakes in small things. While looking down on the small things, afraid to do the big things. How should I break this?“- Mindfulness teaches us to slow down, to focus on one small thing at a time, and engage our senses and attention in that one small thing. With mindfulness, you will make fewer mistakes, grow confident and gradually move to bigger things.

anita