Dear Ryan,

My mother is still quite reserved. I did some Christmas shopping with my father when I was home, and he told me that my mom is typically stressed and sad during the holidays. Likely due to her poor relationship with her parents. To your point, I certainly feel that my mother’s detachment and cool demeanor (at times) led me to believe that I’m not good enough for another.

Yes, because if the child cannot make their mother happy, if she is often sad and depressed in spite of all the love the child is showering her with – then the child concludes that something is wrong with them. That the problem is in them, not in their mother.

One consequence of that is that you don’t feel good enough. You’ve expressed that notion many times before here.

Another consequence of having had emotional trauma is that as adults, we are attracted to people who remind us the parent who hurt is. We hope that this time around, it will be different, and that we will finally get the love we crave for. That’s all unconscious, we aren’t aware of those patterns, but still, the craving for a certain type of person is there.

You started this thread pining for your work colleague, who I believe is a person who reminds you of your mother. You often spoke about her having her walls up and not letting you see her true self. This is what you wrote about her:

She was safe and so welcoming…but only to a point. She would often text and call, and when I was with her, I did not feel like I was not wanted there. Yet, there was a distance between us. Her own “walls” she kept up in this brief relationship. There is much I did not know about her, and much that I was not permitted to know about her.

And then you’ve realized that you yourself used to do the same thing to your previous girlfriends – erecting walls and not letting them near you:

I think what is frustrating is that I see in her what I used to do in relationships:  Fearful of judgement or disappointment, I was unwilling to let my partner in by maintaining or fortifying the walls, so that they never really knew the “real me.” I can see that reflect in her so clearly now. She enjoys her time with me, cares for me, and is attracted to me; however, due to her perceived flaws or fears, she keeps me at a distance, so she protects herself and controls the relationship. This, based on my experience, makes the other person anxious and walking the tightrope to either a deeper relationship or falling and being hurt.

You are now doing the same thing to your current girlfriend – you’re keeping her out and withdrawing. Since she is available and open to you, since she isn’t erecting walls towards you – you aren’t interested. Were she rejecting and pushing you away, you would be interested, I am almost sure about that.

You see the pattern? Those who don’t want you, you crave for. Those who do want you, you don’t want.

I believe this is all caused by your emotional trauma with your cold and distant mother. I don’t think you’d need to explore further what exactly happened in your childhood (by means of hypnotherapy), since I believe this should be enough to work on in therapy.

I think the wound you’ve experienced is emotional neglect: you mother not showing enough love, appreciation and interest in you, since she was suffering from the consequences of her own childhood wounds. She wasn’t emotionally available to you, and it always felt as if there is a wall around her heart, that you couldn’t get in. She didn’t show you her true self, and she probably wasn’t interested in your true self either.

And so now you are craving to be truly seen by a specific type of woman: a type who is emotionally guarded and unwilling to let you inside of her walls. You want to see her and be seen by her, to share your deepest self with her. But she refuses. That’s what happened with your colleague.

Your current girlfriend is open and receptive, she would like to share her deepest self with you, but that’s not attractive to you.

 It’s been a largely lonely road for me thus far and I do not want to end up alone in life.

I understand, and I hope you too can see why it has been lonely… because of this pattern you are stuck in. You’d need to heal the wound of emotional neglect, inflicted by your mother, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship, where both parties are equally keen on each other, and there is no unrequited love.