Dear Lindsey:

“There have been some changes” – having read your entire post, it reads like good changes!

“I think I described the sexual issues-Jason pressing for more in a way that was not totally correct… Here are some things he brought up. While he didn’t mean to push, I initiated things so he had a perception that it may go farther” –

In my Dec 27 post to you, I wrote: “I am assuming that he initiated some sexual play after you told him that you don’t want to have sex right then and there. If my assumption is correct…” – I had it in my mind at the time that maybe you initiated some sexual play, this is why I used the words “assuming” and “if”.

“He also said that of some actions I took during the event also made him think something was going to happen“- I think I understand: that night on his sofa you were conflicted. On one hand you didn’t want to get sexually involved with him, on the other hand- you did. So, your words and actions were not 100% clear one way or another. I can understand why he wasn’t clear about what could or should happen.

“He did not blame the situation on me at all.  In fact, he said we could continue the way things were and he was fine with it“- two good things: he didn’t blame you, and if I understand the second sentence correctly, he is interested in continuing to get to know you without sex.

“Also, during that time is when I feel that he likes me the most-which is not a healthy frame of mind“- I think that what you are saying is that while on his sofa, you felt that all you had to offer him was sex, and that if you won’t, he will lose all interest in you. Did I get it right?

“His personality seems to be very laid back.  He does not really think much ahead of time… He did mention that my anxiety has gone down since I have been spending time with him” – I think that a laid-back man and an anxious woman are compatible. No wonder your anxiety went down around a very laid-back man!

“So here is the issue at hand. I texted him yesterday and asked if he want to talk tonight. At this point we like each other, and I feel like he needs to know a few things before moving forward and getting intimate in the future… My point to him is going to be that trauma makes people do things that they would never do normally.  I was also going to explain to him the root of my anxiety.  I am not sure if I should add that I do not know how to be in a normal relationship with someone.  It brings out my anxiety. I just want to explain that the anxiety is not me.  I feel like it is unattractive and gets in the way of me and my personality“-

– It will continue to calm your anxiety if you share your thoughts and feelings with him and he responds in a comforting, supportive way. Talk to him, but don’t tell him too much at any one time. You can tell him tonight (in your own words) that you don’t like being anxious, that it makes you behave in ways that are not really who you are, ways that make you feel unattractive, and that you wish you could be relaxed.  Then stop talking and wait for his response. If his response is empathetic and somewhat comforting, then you have the green light to tell him more: share with him a few things about what he says and does that increase your anxiety, so that he will have the opportunity to avoid saying and doing those few things.

And at any time when you feel that your anxiety going up significantly, tell him so that he will have the opportunity to comfort you/ make you feel better. When physically close with him, make it known to him what specifically you are okay with, and that going beyond that specific thing is not okay with you.

anita