Hi Care,

Let me know if this sounds familiar. This is my real life experience. I am developer, and for that I received no training in college. My degree should ideally be enough but it does not train you for the skills you need to be a developer. Some kids in college did side projects, I was so terrified of not finding a job, that I would constantly wonder if I would be a terrible developer, so much so that I did not even try to test or hone my skills.

Once I started on the job, I would be paralyzed from doing work. There is a term for it in my profession, although it is not self-esteem related. “Analysis paralysis”, where you go over all the ways things could go wrong and keep evaluating options in terms of which solution to use or tool, etc, but never fix on an option and get to work. But, I was forced to choose an option since there were always looming deadlines. This was a lot of pressure for me. I was a perfectionist and not confident. I wanted to quit so many times but couldn’t because I had to earn. It was this helplessness that triggered feelings of resentment and how if only my situation was different, I would not have had go through this.

I believe you feel betrayed because every time something upsetting happens at your job, you think about how your situation forced you into this job and you wouldn’t have had to take it had your family had enough money, etc. So the external situation betrayed you and stopped you from following your passion.

There are 2 independent parts to your problem.

1) You don’t want to do this job.

2) You don’t think you are good enough to do it

And just so you know, 2) is independent of 1). Had you been pursuing your passion, 2) would still have plagued you but you wouldn’t have had the resentment about being forced to pursue that career, but you still would have started hating your passion. There is a saying  in my mother tongue, I have heard it in English as well, “make your passion your hobby and not your job, otherwise you will hate your passion”.

Some of the reasons for 2) are external to you:

Global reasons:

All around the world people are faced with financial insecurity. Money defines your quality of life. You could be denied basic needs like food, shelter and healthcare. Healthcare is in fact tied to the job. So it is natural to want to do well out of fear of getting fired and losing your basic human rights and needs, and fear not being good enough.

Individual reasons:

If you have a tendency to internalize your failures, you will always blame yourself and believe you are someone who can’t do well. In my example, it was wrong to expect college students to know coding at all. Your first job should train you. It took me a long time to realize my work conditions did not enable my best performance.

You asked how you should start taking care of yourself:

Short term( 1 day – 1 week)

1. Feign arrogance and be okay with being a bad teacher. This is a temporary break for your brain.

2. Use your mornings to set an intention that you will do your best and mistakes are ok.

3. Build a routine with small tasks – drink water, soak in some sun. Checking things off is amazing for the brain.

4. Affirmations – this used to work initially, so it is good for short term, it will alter your state to a pleasant one.

Long-term (1 year)

1. Identify if you need to change jobs within the same profession – for better pay and conditions.

2. When you are happy at your job, you are likely not going to be reminded of your passion at all. Also, you need to plan your future from a place of happiness. So 1. is important. When you are content with your current situation, think of all your possibilities not just being a teacher vs your passion. All the other possibilities that you can venture into for a job – remember this is mainly for money, so aim as high as possible and be creative.

3. Start planning on how to save money to work on the career that is right for you. You may not need money, just a plan to switch, work on that.

4. Create a daily routine that factors in a healthy lifestyle. Socialize and build hobbies.

Planning for super long term

This will assume a healthy sense of self-esteem

1. Be objective about everything. If you are unhappy or not doing well enough, evaluate if it is just you, or what needs to changes and with whom.

2. You have a goal that will meet your financial needs and you are not just getting by – break this career/goal into small steps and check-in every year to see where you are at.

3. Your passion can be your hobby if not your career – give it some time and love.

The hole will go away when you are happy with yourself, which means if something is not right with work, it is just work and not you. It will take time to get to this, but you can do it.