Dear meliss:

I will start with your last sentence: “Please trust my actions as my feelings are based on thoughts that sometimes are not connected to truth” -I very much trust this fact. I suggested to you before that you’ve been projecting your father (F), and perhaps “her” (I assume you were referring to your mother) into other people. You rejected my suggestion, but I have no doubt that my suggestion is true a lot of the times. One of these times is a week ago, when you panicked about the idea that I will hack your email account even though (1) I repeatedly told you that my computer skills are very poor, and (2) it was you who initiated the idea of exchanging emails and insisted on it.

The definition of a hacker is: “a person who uses computers to gain unauthorized access to data“. Who is the hacker in your life, who is the one who has unauthorized access to you?

Is it not the man climbing up the stairs in the morning so to harass you outside your bedroom, using the information that he has about you- against you? Is it not the man who insults you for hours and days, on and on and on?

“I didn’t think that you would say yes to my email request… After you said yes, I was really happy and then I had a panic/fear-based reaction. It came out of nowhere” -it came out of someplace and that place is your experience with F (and maybe with “her” as well), inaccurately projected into me.

“I was just so scared. I think I was fearful of what I did… (I had a scary situation with someone I once wrote to that turned into a hacker situation and all of that came up and I panicked)” – I know that there are real-life computer hackers out there, it is very unfortunate.

“If I came across, cold maybe, that was why” – you turned cold because you thought I intended to hack your email account. When you posted in the thread you deleted, you were afraid that anyone reading it may hurt you. When I gave you my email, you were afraid that I will hurt you.

Wikipedia on Paranoia: “Paranoia is an instinct or thought process that is believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear often to the point of delusion and irrationality. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself (i.e., ‘Everyone is out to get me’… Making false accusations and the general distrust of other people also frequently accompany paranoia” –

– I was a victim of my mother’s paranoid thinking. She distrusted me when I was a young child. She believed that I was trying to hurt her. She repeatedly accused me of that and punished me for it.

“I did reread our posts (I printed them all out) and then I realized you’ve been nothing but thoughtful to me and I calmed down” – How long before you distrust me again? How long before you distrust any reader, fearing that he/ she wants to hurt you?

“Also, I’m not used to communicating with people so openly. I’ve been more open to you about my inner world than anyone. Even though I haven’t shared a lot I guess, for me it’s a lot. A part of me feels it’s best to stay guarded” – It is a compliment to me, that you chose to share your inner world with me.

“I now want you to know that I liked that you felt good about communicating with me” -thank you.

“Do you still not want to try communicating via email?” – no. I do not want to communicate with you via email. I was clear about it in my last post to you, on my thread.

“I think people can only like me for a little while or if they don’t know me well and my panic was about that too…. Please be patient with me” – I will be patient with you. I want you to share with me more about your inner world, but I am aware that you feel unsafe about doing it in any context: public forums, private emails… and in any other context. Even if you and I were alone in a room.

“I was really hurt when I thought you were blocking me so that must mean something, right?” – what may it mean?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .