hi anita,

First, I hear you that you do not want to email anymore and I respect your boundary.  It was never my intent to make you feel pressured.  At one time, you said “there was a possibility of us both agreeing that it would be a good idea to exchange emails in the future,(pretty exact quote)” I replied, “I like that there is a possibility.” I was ready to let it go.  Then you said, “…but I am tempted to offer you to be my pen pals by email if it would make you feel better long-term…” You then shared a couple of experiences you had and reasons why you thought it would turn out poorly.  I thought you wanted to email me but had reservations.  That’s when I actively tried to show you that our email exchange didn’t have to be like the ones you experienced before.  I certainly did not mean to pressure you and I am so sorry you felt pressured.  It really was not my intention.  I repeatedly said I would respect your no but I guess that did not come across?  Either way, I am sincerely sorry I pressured you.

On Projection:

One of these times is a week ago, when you panicked about the idea that I will hack your email account even though (1) I repeatedly told you that my computer skills are very poor, and (2) it was you who initiated the idea of exchanging emails and insisted on it. – How do I explain this?  I did not think that you would hack my email account.  After you shared your email address with me, I felt anxious in my body.  The experience reminded me of a situation a few years back when I actually was hacked (It wasn’t me being paranoid; I actually had strangers come up to me on the street telling me they saw this or that about me online). It was a very difficult time for me.  So, I had an anxious reaction.  It’s like if someone was raped.  Years later, in a romantic situation, they may be with a good man, however their body might have anxious feelings even if they know the person before them is good.  I knew you wouldn’t hack my email.  I was just reminded of a situation and that made me tense. I recognized it. I took steps to calm my emotions and continued with the action of sending you an email because I did think you were trustworthy in this way. I gave you my real email addresses(If I thought you were untrustworthy or going to hack me, I would’ve created an email just for you or not wanted to email you at all). I hope that makes sense.  I honestly thought that once we got past my blocked email, everything would be fine.

I think this is hard because when I share something…I feel you put me in a box…You’ve already decided that I’m paranoid?

Cold?  Was I?  Did you experience me as cold?  I ask because one of the things that I do is to speculate as to why someone may be mad at me(or why you hadn’t responded to me) and I offer excuses before the person tells me there is a problem.  When I didn’t hear from you, I started to worry.  I wondered if you did feel pressured (before I even read you last post in your thread), I wondered if I was cold and tried to explain.  It’s just like when I explained my “god serendipity” moments.  I was explaining why I wouldn’t push my beliefs on you even though you never once said you were offended.  You see _ I didn’t know why I didn’t hear from you so I was covering my bases.  I think you focused on the “cold” example because it fits your views about me.

Your biggest problem in relating to me would’ve been me thinking I offended you in some way and apologizing or explaining things that you might not have even been thinking about. I worry I offend others a lot (I think with time that goes away when I see a person isn’t easily offended-like one person I know for years-one of the people I mentioned in earlier posts- I don’t really worry about offending her, as over time I saw she’ll tell me if I did something and when I did address things(politely not angrily), she’ll say no that’s not what I’m thinking.  So I don’t have that worry-based reaction with her.  Seeing a person’s consistency over time makes me less nervous about accidentally offending, etc.  I’m just getting to know you…)

I have to learn conversation is a two-way street.  Ask the questions and wait for a reply.  I just try to explain myself too much, before it’s necessary.

 I will be patient with you. I want you to share with me more about your inner world, but I am aware that you feel unsafe about doing it in any context: public forums, private emails… and in any other context. Even if you and I were alone in a room. – You don’t understand what I mean.  I feel anxious because I am stepping out of my comfort zone.  It’s not about whether you or anyone is trustworthy in this instance, it’s about me communicating in a way I haven’t before.   My mouth will get dry, I’ll get butterflies, I’ll be nervous.  I’ll worry about your response, I’ll worry if you’ll get it.  Not psychological diagnosis nervous, not paranoid, just growing pains.  Does that make sense?  It’s not about me feeling unsafe as if I’m in danger.  It’s just I would have been communicating my inner world, my possibly traumatic past with you, of course I’m nervous.  I chose you because I’d seen you in the forums so I was willing to take the risk(it’s  always a risk communicating with someone because you can’t know fully what will happen) Based on what I saw, I was thinking that the risk was worth it and there was a high probability that communicating with you would benefit me in the long run.  But the nervous feeling, it’s more of a growing, stretching, stepping out of your comfort zone, kind of feeling: I think it’s normal and natural.  I don’t think I crossed the line into paranoia yet.

So yes, if you and I were alone in a room communicating,(or emailing or whatever) I would feel nervous at first, because I’d be learning about you, because of what I had hoped to share with you about and to get your feedback about, and because I would have been choosing growth. With time and consistency, I am sure that the nervous feeling would go away. What I mean is growing is never comfortable at first.

And I feel nervous about lots of things, things most people probably don’t even blink at, but it’s me. What can I say?  I do try not to make it a problem for other people if I have to interact with them.

 “I was really hurt when I thought you were blocking me so that must mean something, right?” what may it mean?  I think I might have meant I was invested in our interaction.  On my end, I had no idea what happened.  We had just confirmed that you got an email and then silence. I tried to send and email and ask if something was wrong—which would have been the healthy things to do(the name of the email was ‘are you angry at me?”).  No response. I sent posts that Tiny Buddha blocked(I wondered if you thought I was a hacker because you felt pressured and you told TB about me…I think one day it’ll be funny).

I was so sad.  I felt bad that you didn’t write to me and I felt worse that I might have done something to really offend or hurt you…and I couldn’t reach you.  The last email I sent this morning (the one that disappeared)said I was sorry for whatever I did and that I hope you’ll be able to forgive me…I said I wish you would have told me you didn’t want to write anymore instead of just throwing me away, that I would have respected your decision(at this point I didn’t know you weren’t getting my communication and I thought I must have done something really wrong-not that you did something wrong, and I was upset at myself).  I said goodbye and that I wished you well and continued healing.

I worked really hard to fix the situation even up to right before your post this morning…so yeah, I was invested.

 Anyway, I won’t forget when you told me that the lady who told me F’s words to me were only words was wrong.  That meant something to me.

m