Dear meliss:

“I revisited the dialogues… because I didn’t remember insisting on anything… I am not the kind of person who insists on things” –

Because you deleted your first, very long thread titled Help, I don’t have access to most of your writing, but I copied small parts of what you posted there for my own record. Here is part of your insistence that we withdraw our communication from these public forums and shift to private email: “I tend to be very private. After the initial burst of energy, it does feel uncomfortable talking about deeply personal stuff on am open forum”.

Most recently, you elaborated on and added to uncomfortable: “I hate posting personal things on an open forum… I feel really disappointed in the fact that you’ve decided that we can never e-mail…  It was so jarring to me…  I think I got a “no” based on what you experienced with other people…  I want to ask you to reconsider based on the following things I will write. If you still decide you don’t want to email me ever, I will respect it and I won’t bring it up again – I promise. I think you were concerned that your emails would enable me to get stuck in a difficult situation … however I don’t see myself as that kind of person… Plus, you would have the right to cut it off at any time, for whatever reason if you felt it wasn’t productive…. I don’t think I would write every day… You said emails were more personal –this doesn’t have to be…. I wouldn’t ask for pictures or anything like that.  It would be just like it is now… If you decide the answer is still a forever no, I understand… As I said, I won’t bring it up again“.

Some days after the above, you deleted your thread. I then posted to you yesterday, in my own thread titled a message to meliss: “I will never again exchange email addresses on the forums, and I will never again give in to pressure to do so!“

Next, in your second thread, a message to Anita, you wrote: “Do you still not want to try communicating via email?”

The first topic, a broken promise: “If you still decide you don’t want to email me ever, I will respect it and I won’t bring it up again – I promise…. Do you still not want to try communicating via email?”

The second, more serious topic, unfair emotional manipulation:

You stated that you feel the following about not communicating with me on email (your words): uncomfortable, hate, really disappointed, jarring. So, as a person with some empathy, I wanted to make you feel better (comfortable, no longer in a state of hate, no longer being disappointed, no longer being jarred). I wanted to please you, plus, although somewhat uncomfortable with the pressure and conflicted, I liked you at the time, so I exchanged emails with you.

In your most recent post, following my withdrawal from the email route, you added anger to the mix, and you went on to guilt trip me: “To be honest, I felt angry too because… basically, you were done with the whole email thing (which is fine)—and all because I said I was nervous. All my worry and struggle when I hadn’t heard from you that week, all the work I put it, and was putting it even as you posted (googling how to fix Hotmail issues and then trying to type it so you could understand-I even created an alternate email in my yahoo account) didn’t matter one bit-I am not angry anymore” –

– this is classic guilt-tripping: you are communicating to me that you worried so much, worked so hard googling, struggled so much, and what did I do? I was done with the email route, and why? Just because you were nervous. Clearly suggesting that I wronged you…  after all your hard work.

“You were done with the whole email thing (which is fine)” – clearly it is not fine with you. This is a lie.

“I am not angry anymore“- you removed the anger from the mix of the suffering I allegedly caused you after it served its intended purpose: to show me that you are rightfully angry (rightfully angry because I allegedly wronged you).

Previously in our communication, on one hand you were warm, gracious and appreciative, but on the other hand you were cold and angry, but not honest about your anger. From one point on, I felt like I needed to be very careful so to avoid your anger, in ways such as bringing up my mistakes before you do, such as the mistake of pasting a quote with your age in it, yesterday.

Here is an example of your passive-aggressiveness, you wrote: “While I do appreciate your responses and you taking the time to read, write and in some instances, validating my experiences, I really wouldn’t describe you as someone who cared about me” –

On one hand you are warm and kind: “I do appreciate your responses and you taking the time to read… validating my experiences“,

On the other hand, you are angry and cold: “in some instances, validating my experiences, I really wouldn’t describe you as someone who cared about me” – letting me know that in some, or in many instances, I failed to validate your experiences, closing with the angry punchline: you do not care about me!

You wrote yesterday: “I think people can only like me for a little while or if they don’t know me well and my panic was about that too…. Please be patient with me”- I don’t have patience, nor do I want to have patience for interpersonal dishonesty, passive-aggressiveness and unfair emotional manipulation, such as guilt tripping. I think that if I continue to communicate with you, you will graciously accept a bit of what I wrote, deny most, suggest that I am wrong, etc., continuing to present the mix bag of honesty and dishonesty, passive-aggressiveness and a bit of being direct, warm and cold, etc.

It is interesting, how important it is for us, as humans, to be consistent and mindful about our emotions and behaviors. In the context of a personal friendship or an intimate relationship, the two people need to protect each other and the relationship from the destructive effects of anger. Anger needs to be expressed in an honest yet contained way: I am angry because of this…, and then open it for an honest discussion. Not an argument, but a discussion aimed at resolving the real or imagined conflict that brought about the anger. Too often people express their anger in passive-aggressive ways and then deny it. Too often people keep other people on their toes with the threat of uncontained anger hanging in the air,

Here is my request: please did not respond to this post. I am guessing that you will delete your thread, so, your response, whatever it may be, will not benefit anyone anyway, being that you will delete it soon. Personally, I don’t want to read it because it is likely to upset me with that mix I mentioned, and no way that it can benefit me.

In my life, I was not always honest, I too expressed my anger in indirect, dishonest ways. I learned and improved my awareness and my communication with people, making it honest and fair on a consistent basis. You can learn how to do this as well, and I hope that you do because I wish you honest and healthy friendships and relationships with people you are yet to meet.

anita

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