Dear Imuhetalanaht:

First, I will retell your story (I will boldface your words, sometimes with edited grammar). Second, I will give you some of the pov you sked for.

You shared that you are the youngest of six daughters. At 17 and onward you’ve been through 2 major surgeries, fell behind on your studies, fell deeply into depression and attempted suicide.

For the duration of your 21 years on earth, your father has been a perfect father that anyone could ask for. Most of the time, your father really loves you, cares for you, and takes good care of you, but sometimes, during constant fights between your parents, your father screams, swears and hits. Nonetheless, he’s been your favorite man, most trustworthy man, he cares for others, helps others, taught you so many things: how to behave, to study well, to speak politely to others, to help others. Your love for him has been pure, and you felt secure with him.

Recently, you found out that he sexually abused your older sisters when they were young, before you were born, maybe sometime after you were born (?) You are wondering if he did that to you too, you don’t know. You saw your sisters’ humiliation and anger as they confronted him. You are shocked, you can’t believe that he did that, you now question everything, and you can’t see your father the same way as before. You are now stuck between forgiving him and forgetting him and you are hurting so much.

Second part, some of my thoughts, for now: none of what happened is your fault. You are a victim of what happened, and I am so sorry, so sorry that it happened in your family, so sorry that you are hurting so badly.

Your father was not perfect before you found out about the sexual abuse: he screamed, swore and hit his own daughters. A perfect father does not scream, swear and hit his (or anyone’s) children. You thought of him as perfect because you needed to see him as perfect. You focused on the good things he did for you and for others, how he cared for and helped you and others. And you loved him with a pure heart.

At this time, try to not focus on his heart. Focus instead on your pure heart, on how much you loved him, how much love you still at times. This means that you have always been a loving daughter. It means that you can trust your own heart, and your own self to do right by others. Even if you can’t trust him anymore, you can trust yourself.

You know how in cartoons; the evil character always has the evil face? In real life, evil people look like good people at times, maybe even most of the time. Their evil behavior is limited to certain contexts and with certain people.

Now, let’s say your father screamed and hit his children once or twice, then regretted it and apologized to his children, not repeating the behavior. In this case, I think that forgiving him would be right. But what if a father repeats the screaming and hitting for years, never apologizing, never regretting?

Questions, if I may: (1) For how many years has your father screamed, swore and hit his daughters? (2) Did he ever apologize and stopped these behaviors, if so, how long ago? (3) Is your father still living with you and with your sisters?

You heard your sisters’ stories about his sexual abuse of them, I imagine. You know what he did, how frequently, and for many months or years. (4) Can you share some things about the sexual abuse (keeping to yourself any and all sexual details that you don’t feel comfortable sharing)?

anita