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  • #391644
    Imuhetalanaht
    Participant

    Hi, i want to be an anonymous and sorry in advance for my english. I just want to tell this as i didnt know how to handle with a betrayal that done by a person whom i trust with all my heart; my father. I need a pov from someone that doesnt involve with me or my life. From the age of my 17 i have been meet with continous incident that push me into darkeness . I have been went through 2 times major surgery and because of that i lack behind my age in studies, fall deep in depression and attempted suicide( now im okay), constant fights between parents and etc. I try to stay strong n im pretty much doing it great because i got many people around me that love me until that one thing happen. I really love my father very much. I pray for him all day. I always want see him happy despite all the things he done to us; screaming, swearing, hitting. Because i thought he become old and we are the children need to adjust and take care of him very well. Although sometimes, he become like that, but most of time he really love, care and take care of me. We always adjust with his behaviour becuse we think that father cannot be wrong in any situation. I am really grateful and thankful for that and i will do anything for that. But we all come to know that he did such an unforgivable, horrible thing to us when we are child but not to me (idk???), but to my other siblings.(preety sure u all knw what im talking about).  I dont want to say it as i also dont know how to potray him. Until now i cant belive that he did that. After i know that, i question everything. The pure love i feel towards him, i feel secured with him, i really like the warm he radiates, i miss him so much. But at the same time, how he could do that to us , to my siblings. Btw im the last person in my family; 6th and all others are daughters. After we know that, we wait until some my siblings get the courage to confront him. In the waiting period around 4 months, its one of hell. I cant see him the same way before. HELL. After the confront, i think it all will be fine but im wrong. The day we confront become so mess and it become one hell of trauma for me. I cant forget his face in that moment of realization. I cant see all the questions, humiliation, anger from my mother and my  other siblings that thrown to him. In that moment, in my eyes, he still my lovable father. He’s been my favourite man, most trustable man, got lovely smile although no teeths left, care for others, help others, teach me so many things on how to behave, to study well, speak polite to others, help others and many thing he did for me that i cant even count with my hand. After all its been 21 years. Now im hurt so much that im stuck between forgave and forget him. I run away all the memories, feelings, that reminded me of him. It’s hurts so much

    #391645
    Imuhetalanaht
    Participant

    Its no happpen 21 years ago. What i’m trying to say is now that im 21 years old, he’s been a perfect father that anyone could ask for the past 21 years in my life.

    #391653
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Imuhetalanaht:

    First, I will retell your story (I will boldface your words, sometimes with edited grammar). Second, I will give you some of the pov you sked for.

    You shared that you are the youngest of six daughters. At 17 and onward you’ve been through 2 major surgeries, fell behind on your studies, fell deeply into depression and attempted suicide.

    For the duration of your 21 years on earth, your father has been a perfect father that anyone could ask for. Most of the time, your father really loves you, cares for you, and takes good care of you, but sometimes, during constant fights between your parents, your father screams, swears and hits. Nonetheless, he’s been your favorite man, most trustworthy man, he cares for others, helps others, taught you so many things: how to behave, to study well, to speak politely to others, to help others. Your love for him has been pure, and you felt secure with him.

    Recently, you found out that he sexually abused your older sisters when they were young, before you were born, maybe sometime after you were born (?) You are wondering if he did that to you too, you don’t know. You saw your sisters’ humiliation and anger as they confronted him. You are shocked, you can’t believe that he did that, you now question everything, and you can’t see your father the same way as before. You are now stuck between forgiving him and forgetting him and you are hurting so much.

    Second part, some of my thoughts, for now: none of what happened is your fault. You are a victim of what happened, and I am so sorry, so sorry that it happened in your family, so sorry that you are hurting so badly.

    Your father was not perfect before you found out about the sexual abuse: he screamed, swore and hit his own daughters. A perfect father does not scream, swear and hit his (or anyone’s) children. You thought of him as perfect because you needed to see him as perfect. You focused on the good things he did for you and for others, how he cared for and helped you and others. And you loved him with a pure heart.

    At this time, try to not focus on his heart. Focus instead on your pure heart, on how much you loved him, how much love you still at times. This means that you have always been a loving daughter. It means that you can trust your own heart, and your own self to do right by others. Even if you can’t trust him anymore, you can trust yourself.

    You know how in cartoons; the evil character always has the evil face? In real life, evil people look like good people at times, maybe even most of the time. Their evil behavior is limited to certain contexts and with certain people.

    Now, let’s say your father screamed and hit his children once or twice, then regretted it and apologized to his children, not repeating the behavior. In this case, I think that forgiving him would be right. But what if a father repeats the screaming and hitting for years, never apologizing, never regretting?

    Questions, if I may: (1) For how many years has your father screamed, swore and hit his daughters? (2) Did he ever apologize and stopped these behaviors, if so, how long ago? (3) Is your father still living with you and with your sisters?

    You heard your sisters’ stories about his sexual abuse of them, I imagine. You know what he did, how frequently, and for many months or years. (4) Can you share some things about the sexual abuse (keeping to yourself any and all sexual details that you don’t feel comfortable sharing)?

    anita

    #391654
    samy
    Participant

    Hi Imuhetalanaht

    He already did bad things to you – screaming, hitting. And he did other bad things to your siblings. It is not just you, but your mother and siblings are going through the same – “he seems so trustworthy, caring, polite, how could he do such a thing?”

    Let’s take a different example. If he cut your sibling’s finger and up until then he only ever pinched you. Does that make it okay, even if he is caring and loving at other times? Whether you forgive him or not, it is up to you. But know that he could still have the blade hidden somewhere and cut someone else’s finger. Please protect yourself and your family. Trust your mother to guide you through this and take a stand with her that your safety is important. You can focus on sorting out your feelings with him later. But first, getting your mother, yourself and your hurt siblings to safety is important.

    Also once someone cut that finger, you should get them treatment and get away from the abuser. Not wait and confront, will that restore the finger?

    Just because you are hurt and confused, and I understand you love him, it doesn’t change the fact that he did this. Eventually you will accept it. In the meantime, your safety is important.

    After the confront, i think it all will be fine but im wrong. The day we confront become so mess and it become one hell of trauma for me. I cant forget his face in that moment of realization. I cant see all the questions, humiliation, anger from my mother and my other siblings that thrown to him. I think your culture is similar to mine from the way you’ve written. So I know you will understand what I’m about to say. The only thing you should feel conflicted about is the fact that you were not able to tolerate your mother’s and siblings’ anger and questions towards him. You are very clear there that couldn’t bear it. Yet you are confused with your father doing a horrible thing – bringing up all his good qualities and not being able to believe. If I heard my father did such a thing, I would react the same way – I would be shocked, unable to believe it, but not while staying neutral. I would stand by my mother’s side and ask more questions. Ask your father how he could seem so caring and yet do this.  There is a right side here and you are not on that side! You were not the victim, you can’t expect anything to be fine after the confrontation. Also hitting you was not acceptable. Figure out if you really want to forgive that.

    I’m sorry you have to erase all your memories with him and are hurting. I hope your family heals from this.

     

    #391798
    Imuhetalanaht
    Participant

    reply to Anita,

    First of all, thank you so much for giving me some pov from a third person, much needed for this time. Thanks for making my words more easier to understand, even by myself. All things have been said by you it’s the truth. It’s just i couldn’t say it. You ask some questions regarding my story, gladly i will answer some of it.

    (1) For how many years has your father screamed, swore and hit his daughters?

    My parents are an asian parents. So their hits especially my father’s will be for our studies. That’s what i thinking so far but he have been hit my sisters all to not told my mother about this issue. One of my sister have been confront him during her early time but he hit her like others and convince that little child that it’s not him. They all didn’t know that others all were victim for him and just think that they solely only victim for this. So they remained silent as they were all just children. For the swore and screaming its started to happen after he cheated my mother with other women. From that day, almost all day will fight between us, or he will scream and swore at us if we didn’t do anything he ask us for.

    2.) Did he ever apologize and stopped these behaviors, if so, how long ago?

    He did apologize after he cheated my mother saying that he will not repeat the mistake again. It happen five years ago. From that day he have been point finger at my mother saying that she’s the one didn’t take care of him or give attention, that’s why i do that. Shameful to hear that reason. About this s.abuse, no words.

    3.) Is your father still living with you and with your sisters?

    Nope. After the confront day, my mother said that if he come back, she will told his mom and his other relatives. For him, his dignity and pride is most important thing to him. So he didn’t come back but he his actions didn’t stop there. He came with police and claim the motorcyle and car . One mistake we did, buy all property under his name.

    For the s.abuse questions, i prefer not to tell as i still can’t digested until now. But there are no degree level for his mistake whether its most or least terrible. He shouldn’t do that in the first place.

    Thanks again for all the words. Thank you so much. Thank you.

     

     

     

    #391799
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Imuhetalanaht:

    You are most welcome. It’s late in the evening where I am at, so I will be back to you Mon morning, in about 10 hours from now. I understand that you prefer to not share more than you are comfortable sharing, I want you to be comfortable here, I want this to be a safe place for you, no pressure, no demands, no aggression of any kind.

    I will be back to your thread in the morning.

    anita

    #391800
    Imuhetalanaht
    Participant

    reply to samy,

    Thank you so much for courage and bold words.

    For the safety of my mother and my sisters, he have been no longer a member in our family and after that day, he moved out to somewhere else.

    For the confront matter, i stiil didn’t know whether im victim or not. The day i came know about all matter from least to the worst, i have been stayed in college. I become more furious, anger , hurt as i begin to came to know all stories from all of my sister. After knowing everything and come to home, i couldn’t face him. I avoided him at all cost but that one day i can’t. I bursted and almost went out to show all of my anger, dissapointment, hurt, betrayal towards him. I become so angry that it happen to all my sister and i couldn’t protect them . At the moment, my 2 sister n mother only at home. They block and say to not burst out now and i scream and fight with everyone to let me go. I almost get panic attack and my breathing become unstable. I become and feel that high level anger until i become that. But my mother said, , with no proof or victims with u n  confront him, it all will be wasted. The reason we didn’t confront and wait until all the victim come to home is because the least we can do for them now is a chance to confront him and end this suffer and pain. That’s why in the day of confront him, i remain clam to avoid or control anyone who accidently will cross their limits in questioning him. So i stayed beside and and not involve in all that confronting matter. If i also invlove like anyone, who will think properly to clam the situation if it get escalated. At least one person needed to stay not in the moment.

    Thank you so much for all your kind words. Much appreciate it. Thank you so much.

    #391815
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Imuhetalanaht:

    I don’t know if you read my post yesterday, right below your reply to me. Again, you are very welcome.

    * I didn’t understand what you meant by: “he hit her like others and convince that little child that it’s not him”.

    You shared that your parents are Asian, that your father hit his daughters “for our studies“, but you recently found out that he hit your sisters so that they won’t tell your mother about him sexually abusing them (“to not told my mother about this issue“). Because they were hit, “they remained silent as they were all just children“, they didn’t tell your mother or each other about the abuse. Each one of your sisters thought that she was the only one who was sexually abused by him.

    The screaming and swearing started when five years ago, your mother found out that he was cheating on her with other women. He blamed your mother for his cheating, saying “that she’s the one didn’t take care of him or give attention, that’s why I do that“.

    When your mother found out about your father’s sexual abuse of his own daughters (aka incest), she prevented him from living with all of you, threatening to tell his mother and relatives about it. He moved out but showed up at your home “with police and claim the motorcycle and car. One mistake we did, buy all property under his name“.

    My thoughts today: (1) Again, I am so sorry for yours and your sisters’ betrayal and suffering. I hope that each one of you heals and recovers as much as is possible! (2) If there is such a thing as legal help to families such as yours, in the country where you live, I hope that you receive such help: producing a legal restraining order against him, so that he will be arrested if he tries to contact any of his victims, and protecting yourselves financially, so that he doesn’t take more possessions away from you. Maybe getting the car and/ or motorcycle back from him,

    (3) I wonder if in your country, there is a governmental or other agency that helps adult survivors of incest. Even though the following is a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services website: www. child welfare. gov/ organizations (no spaces), some of the “Organizations for Adult Survivors of Abuse” may be of help to you.

    (4) Finding out that your father did what he did has been traumatic for you, and understandably so. You can read some, if you haven’t yet, about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), about symptoms and treatments. One website you may want to read from is www. psychology today. com/ us/ blog/ somatic psychology/ trauma- incest (no spaces). You are welcome to let me know your thoughts in regard to what you read.

    Otherwise, please post again anytime, and I will reply to you every time you post.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
    #391838
    Imuhetalanaht
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Sorry that i didn’t notice your post yesterday and thank you so much for your reply. I really get many new informations regarding my issues. Thanks for all those illlegal informations about this matter. Thank you so much. For time being, we all have the same thoughts, We dont want involve our mother into anything that related to him. We just want her to be happy and live a peaceful life from this moment. So we plan to moved out from this place and start a new life with new people and surrounding. But we need to be prepare in all kind of matters and need to know all legal issues regarding properties and this issue. And about our mental health, there is a plan to meet with some professional. Meanwhile, we encourage each other to let their opinions or feeling share with each other. After all we only have each others in this life.

    So once again, i’m very thankful to you and others for making me feel comfortable and let me share my story in this platform. In future, If i stuck and don’t know where to start, sure i will come back here and read this all again. Thank you so so much.

    #391847
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Imuhetalanaht:

    We plan to move out from this place and start a new life with new people and surrounding. But we need to be prepared in all kinds of matters… And about our mental health, there is a plan to meet with some professional. Meanwhile, we encourage each other to let their opinions or feeling share with each other. After all we only have each other in this life” – I am very glad to read about your reasonable plan: (1) to move and start life anew with new people and new surroundings, (2) to prepare for such a move in all ways that need preparation, (3) to seek professional mental help, and (4) for you and your sisters to express to each other your thoughts and feelings, providing emotional support to each other.

    If I (get) stuck and don’t know where to start, sure I will come back here and read this all again. Thank you so, so much” – you are very, very welcome. I wish you and your sisters healing and a much better new life!

    anita

    #391864
    samy
    Participant

    Hi Imuhetalanaht

    I understand what happened now. You did your best. Please take care of yourself. Let the older people figure it out. You are probably doing it already, but it may be a good idea to involve other men in your family whom you know will not blame women, to protect you while you get through this, and to help with police and legal matters.

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