Hi Anita,

I went back to your July 2021 thread looking for what actions he committed against you.

There were more things that he did that hurt me that I don’t think I wrote in the thread. Recently the things that have been hurting me were things he said after the breakup when we were still friends. That is what is hurting. He insulted me, my appearance, my personality, and made me feel “crazy”. That is what I am referring to.

My closing thoughts: your significant anxiety and mental suffering started years before your ex-boyfriend entered your life. He didn’t cause your anxiety. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t do this to you. You mentioned no abuse on his part. His “crime” was that he wasn’t able to heal you. But then, the counselors you saw in high school didn’t help you, the therapist or therapists you saw didn’t help you, the psychiatrist/s who prescribed you with medications didn’t help you… and the members who replied to you on your various threads didn’t help you. At times, like I detailed above, you wholeheartedly agreed with a member, only to later forget that you did, posting again as if there was no prior communication. It’s like nothing sticks. I am guessing that if you respond to this very post, you will… disagree with your own words, and/ or agree and disagree in the same sentence. Maybe these are symptoms of your anxiety. Maybe it’s gaslighting. I don’t know.

Yes, I’ve always had anxiety and depression way before I met my ex, but that is really not what I’m referring to. When I wrote the first few threads, I was very confused and angry at him. I was angry at him because he was not giving me what I needed. It took me a while to realize that he couldn’t give me what I needed. And I’m not angry at him for not being able to give me what I needed during our relationship, the anger is from after the breakup. Which he insulted me, disrespected me, and treated me very poorly. He insulted me and the insults still linger in my head. I wonder if he really meant that. I wonder if he actually thought I was ugly, or if he was just projecting onto me. But honestly, I don’t think it matters what he really meant. All I know is that the words he said to me and the way he treated me and led me on several times (after the breakup February-July) was hurtful, and yes I still have anger for him which means I haven’t forgiven him.

It’s like nothing sticks. I am guessing that if you respond to this very post, you will… disagree with your own words, and/ or agree and disagree in the same sentence. Maybe these are symptoms of your anxiety. Maybe it’s gaslighting. I don’t know.

I recognize that I’m being very indecisive. I usually write in these threads like a big brain dump, and not everything in my brain makes sense at the moment. That’s why I contradict myself a lot. So, let me rewrite everything from how I know it right now…

—

I have recognized that I do not forgive my ex. The reason I thought I forgave him was because I thought forgiveness meant that you do not have the conscious urge to hurt them for payback or seek revenge. This was true for me, I consciously did not have the urge to seek revenge from my ex. So this is why I thought I had forgiven him.

But from Peter’s post:

I found it helpful to note that forgiveness does not mean a person is no longer responsible or accountable for thier actions. It means we can hold them accountable without having to attach to our anger and hurt. We experience hurt and anger vice ‘I am’ hurt…

Forgiveness is more of practice of “forgetting” as in not dwelling on the memory. When we notice we are dwelling we practice  acknowledging the feelings and letting them go/flow.

So I recognized that I am attaching my anger and hurt every time I think about the memory of him hurting me.

From Peter’s post:

The next time you are experiencing these painful memories and emotions ask yourself if a part of you could be doing so with the subconscious hope that by holding on to your pain you are punishing the one you hurt?

When I experience the hurtful feelings, my subconscious is telling me that I want to seek revenge in the way where my ex feels the guilt for hurting me and genuinely apologizes. Because during the times I confronted him, he said he did not feel any remorse for his actions. And he did not care for what he did… this hurt me a lot. I believe this is why I was holding onto the painful memories and emotions because I keep imagining him coming back to me and feeling genuinely guilty for his actions and apologizing to me!! 🙁

By the way, the memory that I’m dwelling on is the insults that were said to me, the times I was led on, everything that happened after the breakup from February to July. The reason I am dwelling on these memories is because I did not forgive him even after saying I did. These memories are still very painful for me, and for the last few months these memories did not really bother me, so I thought I had forgiven him but the feelings came back and I realize that I actually didn’t forgive him. And like Peter said, forgiveness is like a practice, which I never really thought of it that way. I always thought forgiveness is instant… which now that I think about it, it sounds silly and I’m not sure why I thought that hahah.

So just to clear things up. Right now, I’m not angry at him for not being able to “fix” me, or give me the proper love during our relationship. I’m really just upset at the insults and disrespect I tolerated after the breakup, that is what my mind keeps going back to!! 🙁

I hope this made sense and cleared things up a bit. I understand that in almost every post I seemed to contradict myself, and I believe it’s because I wasn’t even sure what was going on in my head and I treated these threads like a brain dump, because there was so much in my brain that I used writing as a way to organize things, but it wasn’t super organized. And also because I misunderstood some meanings and words and phrases, like, “forgiveness”, I thought forgiveness was simply just not wanting to get revenge on someone consciously. But I understand now it’s just like a practice, whenever the hurtful feelings or memories come up, forgiveness takes action, you have to actively validate your emotions and memories and hurt, and let it go after acknowledging it. And you do this every time the feelings or memories arise, though I understand it takes time and strength, and patience. <3 I just don’t think I spent a lot of time with my feelings and figuring out what I’m actually feeling! That’s why I said things differently each time because I usually understand my feelings by writing them out.

Also, just a little quick question, are you recommending me a psychotherapist that is different from a therapist? I can only find therapists in my area but I have more options online that I can choose from because of the pandemic.

Thank you.