Dear EJ/Reader:

EJ, March 2014: “I would appreciate advice on how to get through life when I know it will never get better. I’ve tried every form of therapy/meds you can think of, and nothing worked. I’m not looking for sympathy or pep talks, I just want solid advice on how to get by each day. I belong to groups, volunteer, etc. but I still feel completely empty and worthless. I’m alone, pushing 50, work a low-paying job I hate. I’m the classic case of bad childhood = miserable adult. I’ve always been ugly and was teased about this all through childhood. Apparently, people think if you’re ugly you have no feelings. I was molested by a family member when I was young. When I was 18 my dad told me no man would ever want me. I’ve been trying to prove him wrong ever since, but I can’t. Yeah, at the height of my bulimia when I weighed 103 lbs. at 5’4″ I got asked out (men overlook ugly if you are skinny) but now I’m fat & haven’t had a date in over 5 years. When my mom died suddenly last year, I realized I’d never have the chance to prove to her that I’m not a failure. The point is, I realize my typical little-girl dream of falling in love and getting married is never going to happen… So how do I stop the voice in my head that constantly points out how fat, ugly and worthless I am? How do I get by each day being the only loser who can’t get a man? Not to be offensive but I don’t want perky advice from married people. I need to know how other single people cope in a world that revolves around beautiful couples… I’m not going to just stop believing I’m ugly because I have a mirror. And in spite of all the fluffy b.s. people try to tell me, I’m fully aware that women are judge by appearance. I’ve yet to hear a man say he asked a girl out because she volunteers at an animal shelter” –

– you expressed that you know that you are ugly, and that you know that you are a “loser who can’t get a man”, indicating that anyone who tells you otherwise is b.s.-ing you. You asked for advice on how to get through life when you know that it will never get better. I will therefore not argue with you that you are not ugly, or that you might be beautiful on the inside, that there are men who will see you as beautiful, etc. And I will not give you the pep-talk you asked to not be given, nor will I suggest that you attend more therapy, join support groups, volunteer, etc., all that you said you did/ are doing but none of it works.

I will argue with you in regard to something you stated that is definitely untrue. It’s not about something you stated about yourself (a person I never met and with whom I am therefore unfamiliar); it’s about something you stated about the world- the world that I am familiar with.

You stated that the world revolves around beautiful couples (“a world that revolves around beautiful couples”) – the only “world” that revolves around beautiful couples is the Hollywood celebrity world, such as depicted in certain magazines available on the checkout stands in supermarket, or on certain shows on TV that people watch so to forget about… the real world.  Much of the real world revolves (and has revolved from the beginning of time) around abuse, such as what you experienced growing up with your parents, and when teased by people about the way you look.

Fast forward almost 8 years since you posted, and the real world revolves around people suffering from escalated climate change, a 3rd year pandemic with its devastating economic, political, physical and mental health consequences, a world of ongoing political corruption and increasing radicalization, intolerance and expanding autocracy. The world is very, very far from revolving around beautiful couples. If you see the world the way it is, you will be able to answer the questions you brought up in your thread.

anita