My response to David’s seven posts:

In his original post on Jan 16, he shared that a few years ago, he “dated a girl for almost ten years“. I’ll refer to her as G. From one point on, the relationship with G “changed into an open relationship” where for the purpose of David’s sexual excitement (and maybe G’s and the second man’s as well), and with the consent of the 3 parties (it being an open relationship and being that “we were all friends“), David “used to listen and watch her with this other man… it was a rush to see her with him“.

Also, for David’s sexual excitement (and maybe G’s as well), he and G practiced BDSM, standing for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism, which means that by mutual consent, at any one time, one of them inflicted physical and emotional pain (humiliation) on the other, for the purpose of deriving sadistic sexual pleasure from watching the other being in pain, while the other may or may not have derived masochistic sexual pleasure from being in pain.

David then stated, still in his original post, that the relationship with G ended mostly because he didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore (“I didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore“) and he added: “But every relationship I’ve had since ends because I get bored of the sex and I end up fantasising about the past with my ex“.

Seven days later, on January 23, he added, referring to G as my ex: “I made a choice to live a happier life where I can form real intimate relationships with a partner. The bad part is I continued to talk to my ex when I was dating other women, and now my ex is threatening to destroy my life“.

Nine days later, on February 1, he added, referring to G: “I cut contact with her. But before she hung, she said that she is gonna hurt me like I hurt her. I don’t really know what that all means. I’m really scared“.

Eight days later, on February 9, he added, in regard to G: “Yes I hurt her deeply. I cheated on with a few women and didn’t tell her. She wants to tell all of them what a POS I am“.

Only a day later, February 10, he added, referring to G as this crazy girl and this woman: “I’m upset because I don’t talk to my ex’s anymore…  and now this crazy girl wants to contact all of them and tell them what a POS I am…  I keep waiting for this woman to destroy me“.

On the same day, February 10, he added: “I’m trying to change. It just that this crazy woman still haunts me“, and he added that after the 10-years relationship with G, while in relationships with other women, he did the following (referring to G as this woman): “I was chatting and sexting and sometimes having phone sex with this woman“.

The day after, February 11, he added in regard to the women he had relationships with while sexting and having phone sex with G: “I didn’t like really cheat on them“, and added, referring to G as the woman: “I told the woman the other day that I don’t wanna talk to her anymore. She’s been not eating and been taking Oxy to get thru her days. She told me that she doesn’t wanna live with all the shame and regret, but she won’t tell me where she is…“.

My comments on the story behind these 7 posts: David had longer than a 10-year relationship with G (considering the phone sex and sexting as a relationship, which may still be ongoing). At one point, it was an open relationship, which means that each one of the two agreed that it was okay for the other to interact sexually with other people, as long as it’s done in the open, with everyone’s knowledge. Cheating, in the context of an open relationship, is about not being open about sexual interactions with all of the participants.

In this context, G did not cheat on David when she had sex with another man because it was done literally in the open, David was watching. On the other hand, David cheated on G because he didn’t tell her about the other women, and he also cheated on the other women because he didn’t tell them about G.

In his account, David expressed fear of G’s revenge, but didn’t seem too desperate or panicky about it as he took 7 days, 8 days and 9 days in between posts. He expressed some interest in being a better person, an interest that didn’t seem genuine to me because there is no solid indication of shame or regret in his posts. Neither is there an indication of depression or suicidality on his part. On the other hand, in his most recent post, he shared for the first time about G’s mental and physical state: she feels lots of shame and regret, she is not eating, she is taking oxycodone every day to get through the day, she talks about wanting to commit suicide (but won’t tell him where she is, so he cannot do anything to stop her from committing suicide: “she wants to kill herself, “but she won’t tell me where she is“).

On and before February 10, he expressed nothing about G’s depression and suicide ideation or intent, and he referred to her unempathetically as “this woman”, “the woman” this crazy girl”, and “this crazy woman”. He expressed no concern for her, but only for himself. He expressed concern for (1) his recent relationship with other women being ruined by his sexual boredom (“every relationship I’ve had since ends because I get bored of the sex“), (2) his fear that G will tell his exes about his cheating, and about (3) his life being destroyed (“my ex is threatening to destroy my life“).

But all along, prior to February 11, while he showed no concern for her, it was G who was hurt deeply, it was G who was pushed into depression and opioid abuse (“Yes I hurt her deeply… I know I pushed her to this“).

* In the U.S., oxycodone is still the most widely recreationally used opioid. In 2011, oxycodone was the leading cause of drug-related deaths in the U.S., before heroine and fentanyl took over as the leading cause of drug-related deaths (Wikipedia).

He says on his most recent post that he pushed her toward her depression, drug abuse and suicide talk, and that he feels “terrible for this woman“, but on the other hand, he still refers to her, in his most recent post unempathetically as “the woman“.

* It seems to me that the open relationship idea and the bdsm practice was bad for G’s mental and physical health, that she was unwell before giving she gave her consent to both, and that the practice of both harmed her further. When a person gives consent to being abused by another via the practice of bdsm, or otherwise, it doesn’t mean that the person is healthy enough to give a valid consent.

He ended his most recent post with: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…. I don’t want to be this person anymore“.

Who is this person, this David, I ask myself? My best educated guess: he is self-centered, selfish, unempathetic and dishonest. But he is polite: “Hi Everyone… Any help or advice would be so appreciated!… Thank you for responding to my message here… Thank you!”

My personal requests to David, please (1) Make a sincere effort to be very honest with everyone in your life, (2) Consider how your words and actions affect other people’s physical and mental health, and resolve to do no harm to others, (3) Stop any and all phone sex and sexting with G; she is unwell and if you continue to take advantage of her sexually, it will harm her even more, (4) Offer G to pay for adequate quality psychotherapy and drug treatment for herself, (5) Do not respond to this post by addressing a post back to me, I do not want to communicate with you following this post.

anita