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My sexual past ruining relationships

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  • #391357
    David
    Participant

    Hi everyone:

    First-time poster here. I am a guy in my late 30’s and have been single for almost a year. I have dated some in the last few years but every relationship ends because of my past I think. Before I dated a girl for almost ten years. We started out as normal but it changed into an open relationship where she had another lover. We also practiced bdsm. I used to listen and watch her with this other man. We were all friends but he is more endowed then me and it was a rush to see her with him. It felt normal until it didn’t. Anyway the relationship ended mostly because I didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore I thought. But every relationship I’ve had since ends because I get bored of the sex and I end up fantasising about the past with my ex.

    I feel like this hangup is ruining my chance at happiness. And it ends up hurting the person I am dating. I want to settle down and have a healthy relationship with a woman, but I fear that won’t ever happen because of me. I’ve given therapy a shot but it never helps.

    Any help or advice would be so appreciated!

    David

    #391506
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    I want to help you but I have strong opinions on your past experiences that has nothing to do with you, so if that comes across please don’t take it personally and you can choose not to reply at all.

    It felt normal until it didn’t. Anyway the relationship ended mostly because I didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore I thought – This is what you need to revisit. A lot of us are nostalgic about our pasts. You knew in that moment that you didn’t want it. But the nature of that kind of a sexual relationship is that it is intense ( whether you liked it or not ) a normal sex life will naturally seem boring. Ask yourself why you crave that high and is it healthy?

    Did you really want that open relationship – or did you have to do it?

    The rush you felt was humiliation, your brain has been wired to enjoy that now. Watching your lover with someone else whom you think is better than you and training your brain to take the humiliation as satisfaction is sad. You need to work on getting pleasure from positive emotions and feelings. If you have a habit of watching porn, my suggestion would be stop that. Also, focus on building asexual relationships and looking at women as more than just ways to achieve sexual gratification.

    With love and understanding, even normal sex can be amazing. You need to revisit what gives you joy and why. For that to happen, take some time to build a life and personality that makes you happy. A version of you, independent of other people, that you like. This will take time, you can then look into relationships. You seem to just want a partner and that makes it very generic – I want to settle down and have a healthy relationship with a woman, – contrast this with the actual experience of being with a partner for 10 years. What do you think will win out? Define what you want, who you want to be and what you hope to achieve – this will help you find what you really want. Notice, I haven’t asked you to define the kind of woman you want. The focus is on you. A relationship is just a part of your life. And you are only focussing on the sex and that’s ruining it. Can you fill yourself life up with more fulfilling experiences and joy?

    Finally you need to make the decision – which lifestyle gives you most happiness and follow that. My hope for you is that you make that decision after building yourself up.

    #391700
    David
    Participant

    Hi samy:

    Thank you for responding to my message here. I called a therapist to set up a meeting for next week. I made a choice to live a happier life where I can form real intimate relationships with a partner. The bad part is I continued to talk to my ex when I was dating other women, and now my ex is treating to destroy my life because I am not a good person. I feel like its going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.

    #391862
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Good luck with the therapist. Your post already has the answer. Cut contact with your ex. Do you have kids with her? Otherwise there is no reason for you to stay in touch.

    How will your ex destroy your life unless you let her? Get away from her and look forward instead of backward.

    You may not be a good person, i am pretty sure I am also bad to some people and good to others. If you committed an actual crime, you deserve punishment via the legal system of your country. In no scenario, does one individual get to destroy another person. And in this case, you need to take control and move on.

    I am glad you made a choice to live a happier life. You need to work on that actively and reframe your future in terms of things you can control and act on. Good luck!

    #392147
    David
    Participant

    Hi samy:

    I cut contact with her. But before she hung she said that she is gonna hurt me like I hurt her. I don’t really know what that all means. I’m really scared.

    #392188
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Why are you afraid of her? Or are you a fearful person in general. Did you actually hurt her? Does it need to be punished? If it doesn’t, continue to stay away from her and just know you are sorry. If it does need to be punished by law, I am uncomfortable providing support. Otherwise, you could work on fear and anxiety and focus on your own mental and emotional well-being.

    Good luck!

    #392530
    David
    Participant

    Hi samy:

    Yes I hurt her deeply. I cheated on with a few women her and didn’t tell her. She wants to tell all of them what a POS I am even tho I don’t talk to them any more. I asked her what good that would do since I don’t talk to them anymore but she just wants to hurt me. I don’t want her to hurt my ex’s just because she’s so angry at me. I’m in counseling but didn’t want my past to keep haunting me. Thank you!

    #392544
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    How are the women you cheated on your girlfriend with, your ex’s? Also she wouldn’t be hurting them, you would. What hurts is being cheated on. I don’t think you are ready for a relationship because you are not able to take responsibility for your actions. Honestly you don’t have the right to even expect her to stay quiet. You can’t both stab a person and decide what the right treatment is based on which would be least painful. And I would introspect long and hard to figure out if I was ready for a relationship or if I am just adding another person to the list of people I hurt. I hope therapy is going well?

    We can keep discussing this, I was worried you were abusive. Cheating is not good either but it is in the past and if you are up for it, you could work on yourself and be a better partner for your future girlfriends or spouses.

    #392546
    David
    Participant

    Hi samy:

    I don’t talk to my ex’s so i think they moved on. But yeah I wasn’t ready for relationships. I wanted to be in love but I never really was. I guess I’m upset because I don’t talk to my ex’s anymore and I don’t know if they even think of me and now this crazy girl wants to contact all of them and tell them what a POS I am. But why! what is that going to do? Those relationships are over.

    Yeah my therapist knows about all this and is gonna help me because I don’t wanna go on living my life like this. But I keep waiting for this woman to destroy me.

    #392548
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    Being upset over things you can’t control, it’s pointless. You could use some perspective. One of your ex wants to tell you other exes, what a POS (your words) you are. Maybe they already knew that? If you don’t talk to any of these women, you are fine and can move on. Both you and your ex seem a little obsessed with each other. I wouldn’t worry about what someone who is completely out of my life is saying about me to other people who are completely out of my life. I don’t see how that is going to hurt you. A bunch of people are going to find out about what you did to them. They are going to hurt or probably don’t care since you are out of their life. I don’t understand why you think this matters at all.

    When you say you don’t want to live your life like this – you mean waiting for her to “destroy” your life?

    Do you think maybe you are being a little dramatic. The truth is going to be set free but nowhere in your vicinity. She is doing your work for you in coming clean to your exes. You literally have nothing to do in this matter, you already did it in the past. I don’t know why you are clinging to that.

    I think perhaps you don’t want to ever have your bad side visible to anybody and if what you did is revealed, you’d feel shame or embarassment? My question is aren’t you feeling it anyways? How does more people knowing make a difference at all. Own up to your mistake atleast internally, make peace with it, resolve to do better and you are good. I think you are just trying to stall taking responsibility and working on yourself. It is easy to distract yourself with useless drama. I think that’s what you are doing, subconsciously.

    Your real journey starts when you stop worrying about what your ex will do or say and ask yourself how you would like to live and what you would like to do. That will take real effort. Start now.

     

    #392558
    David
    Participant

    Hi samy:

    Thanks for giving me some perspective. Yeah we may be obsessed with each other and that isn’t healthy. I mean that I don’t want to live my life being unfaithful and not REAL with the women I see. That’s why I’m trying to change. It just that this crazy woman still haunts me. So I have to set myself free even if it is painful right now.

    Her reaching out to my exes bothers me because I don’t want them thinking the relationships we had were worse than they were. Like we ended things and then they find out years later that I was chatting and sexting and sometimes having phone sex with this woman. Guess it would make me feel shamed.

    #392563
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    I mean that I don’t want to live my life being unfaithful and not REAL with the women I see – this is a solid thing to work on. Glad to know you want to change.

    I don’t think “that crazy woman” is haunting you. You are too concerned with her. I think you should work on letting this go.

    I don’t want them thinking the relationships we had were worse than they were. This right here tells me you are reducing the consequences of your actions. Being cheated on in a relationship is the worst. They will know the truth. It is pretty audacious of you to think those women had good relationships with you and cheating wouldn’t really make them worse. Were they blessed to have you in their lives despite your cheating? I wish you’d feel actual remorse for your actions but that is not something I can manufacture in you. Trust and loyalty are the foundation of any relationship. I don’t understand why you’d think those relationships were good for those women, when you broke those. Why don’t you put yourself in their shoes. If an ex came up to you and said, “I know I cheated on you but what you are feeling is incorrect, it wasn’t as bad”. Wouldn’t you feel disrespected and belittled?

    Between calling your ex crazy and believing you know what’s right for your exes, I am sensing you don’t go into relationships with humility and openness. Would you say you feel entitled to what the women ought to do for you in these relationships and how they ought to feel about you, without any real effort from you?

    I think your reaction to having cheated on other women – is where you should start. I am surprised you are deflecting blame onto your ex. You did this to those women. I think the way you are speaking of those women now is also how you looked at them when in those relationships, and that explains why you cheated on them.
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    #392569
    David
    Participant

    Hi samy:

    Your right that I need to treat women better. Even if I didn’t like really cheat on them, I did keep talking to this woman who I had a sexual relationship with before. That wasn’t right for any of them.

    I told the woman the other day that I don’t wanna talk to her any more. She’s been not eating and been taking Oxy to get thru her days. :-/ She told me that she doesn’t wanna live with all the shame and regret but she won’t tell me where she is. I know that I’m not responsible for her actions but I know I pushed her to this.

    I don’t know whats wrong with me. Yeah I should feel remote and shame. I feel terrible for this woman because she wants to kill herself but my therapist said I’m not responsible for her actions. IDK. I don’t want to be this person any more.

    #392570
    samy
    Participant

    Hi David

    You do need to treat women better. And you did cheat on them. “didn’t really like cheat on them” doesn’t cut it.

    I don’t know where you are based out of. But I know that some countries have a mechanism where you can call police to check on someone. You could try that. Do it once and be done with it. You therapist is right. You are only responsible for your actions. I hope your ex and you find some peace.

    #392649
    anita
    Participant

    My response to David’s seven posts:

    In his original post on Jan 16, he shared that a few years ago, he “dated a girl for almost ten years“. I’ll refer to her as G. From one point on, the relationship with G “changed into an open relationship” where for the purpose of David’s sexual excitement (and maybe G’s and the second man’s as well), and with the consent of the 3 parties (it being an open relationship and being that “we were all friends“), David “used to listen and watch her with this other man… it was a rush to see her with him“.

    Also, for David’s sexual excitement (and maybe G’s as well), he and G practiced BDSM, standing for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism, which means that by mutual consent, at any one time, one of them inflicted physical and emotional pain (humiliation) on the other, for the purpose of deriving sadistic sexual pleasure from watching the other being in pain, while the other may or may not have derived masochistic sexual pleasure from being in pain.

    David then stated, still in his original post, that the relationship with G ended mostly because he didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore (“I didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore“) and he added: “But every relationship I’ve had since ends because I get bored of the sex and I end up fantasising about the past with my ex“.

    Seven days later, on January 23, he added, referring to G as my ex: “I made a choice to live a happier life where I can form real intimate relationships with a partner. The bad part is I continued to talk to my ex when I was dating other women, and now my ex is threatening to destroy my life“.

    Nine days later, on February 1, he added, referring to G: “I cut contact with her. But before she hung, she said that she is gonna hurt me like I hurt her. I don’t really know what that all means. I’m really scared“.

    Eight days later, on February 9, he added, in regard to G: “Yes I hurt her deeply. I cheated on with a few women and didn’t tell her. She wants to tell all of them what a POS I am“.

    Only a day later, February 10, he added, referring to G as this crazy girl and this woman: “I’m upset because I don’t talk to my ex’s anymore…  and now this crazy girl wants to contact all of them and tell them what a POS I am…  I keep waiting for this woman to destroy me“.

    On the same day, February 10, he added: “I’m trying to change. It just that this crazy woman still haunts me“, and he added that after the 10-years relationship with G, while in relationships with other women, he did the following (referring to G as this woman): “I was chatting and sexting and sometimes having phone sex with this woman“.

    The day after, February 11, he added in regard to the women he had relationships with while sexting and having phone sex with G: “I didn’t like really cheat on them“, and added, referring to G as the woman: “I told the woman the other day that I don’t wanna talk to her anymore. She’s been not eating and been taking Oxy to get thru her days. She told me that she doesn’t wanna live with all the shame and regret, but she won’t tell me where she is…“.

    My comments on the story behind these 7 posts: David had longer than a 10-year relationship with G (considering the phone sex and sexting as a relationship, which may still be ongoing). At one point, it was an open relationship, which means that each one of the two agreed that it was okay for the other to interact sexually with other people, as long as it’s done in the open, with everyone’s knowledge. Cheating, in the context of an open relationship, is about not being open about sexual interactions with all of the participants.

    In this context, G did not cheat on David when she had sex with another man because it was done literally in the open, David was watching. On the other hand, David cheated on G because he didn’t tell her about the other women, and he also cheated on the other women because he didn’t tell them about G.

    In his account, David expressed fear of G’s revenge, but didn’t seem too desperate or panicky about it as he took 7 days, 8 days and 9 days in between posts. He expressed some interest in being a better person, an interest that didn’t seem genuine to me because there is no solid indication of shame or regret in his posts. Neither is there an indication of depression or suicidality on his part. On the other hand, in his most recent post, he shared for the first time about G’s mental and physical state: she feels lots of shame and regret, she is not eating, she is taking oxycodone every day to get through the day, she talks about wanting to commit suicide (but won’t tell him where she is, so he cannot do anything to stop her from committing suicide: “she wants to kill herself, “but she won’t tell me where she is“).

    On and before February 10, he expressed nothing about G’s depression and suicide ideation or intent, and he referred to her unempathetically as “this woman”, “the woman” this crazy girl”, and “this crazy woman”. He expressed no concern for her, but only for himself. He expressed concern for (1) his recent relationship with other women being ruined by his sexual boredom (“every relationship I’ve had since ends because I get bored of the sex“), (2) his fear that G will tell his exes about his cheating, and about (3) his life being destroyed (“my ex is threatening to destroy my life“).

    But all along, prior to February 11, while he showed no concern for her, it was G who was hurt deeply, it was G who was pushed into depression and opioid abuse (“Yes I hurt her deeply… I know I pushed her to this“).

    * In the U.S., oxycodone is still the most widely recreationally used opioid. In 2011, oxycodone was the leading cause of drug-related deaths in the U.S., before heroine and fentanyl took over as the leading cause of drug-related deaths (Wikipedia).<sup id=”cite_ref-CDC2018Death_47-1″ class=”reference”></sup>

    He says on his most recent post that he pushed her toward her depression, drug abuse and suicide talk, and that he feels “terrible for this woman“, but on the other hand, he still refers to her, in his most recent post unempathetically as “the woman“.

    * It seems to me that the open relationship idea and the bdsm practice was bad for G’s mental and physical health, that she was unwell before giving she gave her consent to both, and that the practice of both harmed her further. When a person gives consent to being abused by another via the practice of bdsm, or otherwise, it doesn’t mean that the person is healthy enough to give a valid consent.

    He ended his most recent post with: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…. I don’t want to be this person anymore“.

    Who is this person, this David, I ask myself? My best educated guess: he is self-centered, selfish, unempathetic and dishonest. But he is polite: “Hi Everyone… Any help or advice would be so appreciated!… Thank you for responding to my message here… Thank you!

    My personal requests to David, please (1) Make a sincere effort to be very honest with everyone in your life, (2) Consider how your words and actions affect other people’s physical and mental health, and resolve to do no harm to others, (3) Stop any and all phone sex and sexting with G; she is unwell and if you continue to take advantage of her sexually, it will harm her even more, (4) Offer G to pay for adequate quality psychotherapy and drug treatment for herself, (5) Do not respond to this post by addressing a post back to me, I do not want to communicate with you following this post.

    anita

     

     

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