Hi Teak,

  Thank you so much for the response. I understand i need to sort my internal wounds. Last year i couldn’t do it. I had no social interaction with people. Only people i went to meet were my friends in my home town who always made me drink. So partying was the only thing I did to tackle my loneliness anxiety and depresion. I did it with regret, for short time happiness because I knew it was hindering my body building. But i couldn’t stay at home for more than 4-5 days cuz working in a room alone day long with my own thoughts is so difficult. Now I think I should have rectified my mind which makes it feel heavy with an intimate relationship. But i did concentrate only on my body building since last April after i asked her to move on. Because i thought the unaccomplishment feeling i get from not doing body building for a long time is also a reason for my depression. I also genuinely wanted her to move on because I knew I was hurting her. I controlled myself and didn’t MSG her for months. Until she texted in insta once. I was feeling like texting her too anyway because when i don’t talk to her i always lived in an imaginary life with her. Imagining watching movies, having kids triplets specifically and everything. I was living in imagination. My body building and everything i wanted to share with her. I wanted to share that happiness with her . Now it doesn’t makes sense to workout or do anything at all. I never really moved on completely. I couldn’t move on. Whenever she asked me this during November December and Jan, i said the same. I couldn’t look for other profiles and couldn’t get over this. But heavy feel and anxiety was there. Now I regret i should have taken treatment medicine or anything to rectify that. That regret hurts a lot. But i feel I started getting better since this Jan. I was much better than last year. But now she is gone. She was irreplaceable for me. I couldn’t bear this pain. I am scared this pain is eternal.

I am not going to chase her or anything. But i am doomed . I couldn’t even cry. It feels like my soul is tearing apart.