Thank you Anita & Teak for your responses,

Long post warning.

It is true that we don’t value things when we have it and we feel bad after we lose it. I couldn’t understand in my case what it was. I wasn’t able to move on, till now. It felt bad to to look at other marriage profiles. Also to date someone. Her thoughts were constantly running in my. Always. I realised recently the reason for my depression. Atleast the major reason. It is because of the unhealthy life style i was living since my school. During my 7th grade I did my first stage dance performance on my school. I did dance decently for a first time. People praised and I liked that. I used to dance in other completions within school and I got a bit famous of it. Not so big but a little bit. I liked that feeling. I wanted it more. But the people I liked being with were a year seniors, and not guys who study well and be polite. I liked roaming with seniors and guys who were last benchers. Though I was an introvert myself. They introduced me to porn at 7th grade. For 9th grade I moved to near by town to a different school. There was no option for dancing or any sports. Again, the kind of PPL was with all had bad habits, they thought me smoking, and eventually drinking from 11th grade. It was kind of cool. I used to study well though. Along with these habits from school. Slowly these habits became the main entertainment of my life, though internally i had this wish for dancing. But I didn’t do anything for that. I used to get crush easily back then. Because I was so weak. I was introduced to gym and workout by one of my friend. Also a senior. We among friends had this healthy and egoistic thing for body building. I had my best physique in 12 th grade. Just with home workouts.   I joined college, had first relationship. Drinking was on and off. But I was so obsessed with relationship and physical intimacy that i didn’t bother dancing or body building. 6 years went. I did nothing in college except getting placed. And in my first job, work was important. People noticed me dancing during a DJ and they appreciated. But again, the friends I joined at work, they induced smoking and drinking again. It was a new kind of fun drinking with new Ppl from different states of India. My drinking worsened since then. Every Friday we drank. All were crazy drinkers. I like drinking too but I remember I easily agreed to drink even when I did not feel like because of my friends. Also to the addiction to the party situation and not the alcohol. From then, for next 5-6 years, drinking was the only thing i had to do. I used to pay for gym every month but never hit the gym a single day. I was so bad at saying no. And also easily give in to the party addiction. But I worked hard. I learnt many technologies and switched companies cracking interviews with higher salaries. Though the truth is i could have landed in FAANG companies had i worked harder. Because partying was my priority. I have made bad decisions due to drinking. During 2018 i started realising i have wasted so many years and still didn’t do workout and get my dream physique. And learn dance professionally and express myself. That regret of unaccomplishment piled up in my brain. But still I continued drinking only, cuz drinking numbs the ambitions. I have never had a healthy lifestyle. I read somewhere that dopomine bubbles are created when we do productive activities like workout, running, books, work, etc and those bubbles are bursted when we do unproductive things like drinking binge watching etc. I have been bursting those dopomine bubbles all my life. And the fear that i am aging, and still havent accomplished those creates anxiety. But still I did not work on those and went back drinking. That is one of the main reason. I think a lot, so when I don’t have anything to do i have time and energy to think a lot of unnecessary stuffs. During the starting stage of this relationship i had some bad baggage of feelings because of the sister issues which I had told about earlier. But since lockdown I went into depression, sitting and working at home. Part of which is because i couldn’t go work outside India, didn’t get my dream physique, didn’t learn dancing or do anything in arts. I didn’t do anything at home during the lockdown and that increases my overthinking. Last year when I asked her to move on, i was carrying all these baggages, i wasn’t able to commmit myself. I saw her struggling so with a heavy heart i said it to her. That exact day I also had a meeting with my manager about onsite opportunities, working in different country for few months and he said no there is no option. That was also bugging me. My mom was sick that day and we were worried if it is covid. It later turned out it was covid.  But that day when she asked about my decision, i asked her move on. I continued typing something and she had blocked by the time. I didn’t want text her again because i did not have an answer with me so no point in contacting. I worked on my physique for 3 months. During which i was so hurt too and had created this post here. But again later kn September i went back to drink and lost all progress that i made till then. It was on and off. Kept trying till new year. But we started talking casually since September i guess. Initially it was all normal. Initially it was all normal. One day she sent long text emotionally asking was it so difficult eing with her, and ended with saying their family has zeroed in on a potential groom. Hearing this i got triggered. I couldn’t stand it. Messaged what i felt. And i started messaging in whatsapp well. Again it was on and off. I was still struggling with my workouts. Lost progress. I was so obsessed with six packs abs.  But kept drinking till the end. We have spoke about us getting back couple of times. And i was the same. Whenever she asked me if i was able to look at other girls for marriage my answer was no. I couldn’t look for other profiles and infact that used to give me anxiety. During this new year she asked something about this. She said she misses me, and that we both are anyway not able to move apart, and stuff like that. I was upset because i didn’t make abs till now. And have to start all over again. I couldn’t tell her anything. On Jan 14 she asked how much have i moved on, i did not answer at all cuz i know i was the same as before. She said she moved on 4.5 out of 5. And that everytime I go to my friends to drink her feelings decreases. I didn’t pay attention even still. Even in Feb starting. My parents got serious about marriage and i started realising i wont be able to look at other profiles and i had her deep in mind. Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily. The first day she asked me if i had met someone in the marriage i went and i said no. I was drinking then, she asked me to think about my belly and stop. I said 2 more. And she said i have absolutely no hope. I sent a laughing smiley cuz i was high. 5 days later, i got a message from her saying she agreed to her parents to look for profiles for her. I was so regretting going to friends that time. I was anyway not able to forget her. And as she told it i broke down, i asked aren’t we gonna try us again, she asked if the reasons i left her last year was overcome or not. And we spoke normaly till next day when she said she feels guilty talking to me when she agreed to her father to look for grooms. She got ao mad that day and said she doesn’t want this and i was so late etc. Hours and hours of conversation. But i broke down and started convincing her. She didn’t agree. Next day she said this wont workout at all. That day evening o started talking casually with her. She too replied. I understood it was a casual conversation with ex. We had casual chat for a week i guess. And again last Sunday i had to go to meet friends for another marriage. This time i resisted a lot for drinking. But finally they forced me and gave in. Drank. And that time she had sent me a video and asked translation for it on my language, i didn’t reply for long. She somehow found i was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call as i for paniked. Didn’t have any excuse to tell. She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life and she doesn’t care. The next day when i texted, she again said we shouldn’t text. She had explained everything already. It was a lengthy conversation. She said everything, asking me to leave her alone etc. And that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company. And also other reasons like she had already moved on when i left her last year. She says it is not a sudden decision the the process that haplened since last year. I understood that.

Now bodybuilding or dancing doesn’t even make sense. I don’t feel like doing it. It hurts a lot. I also realise what is important in life. Abs or dancing is not permanent. A girl who loved me unconditionally, whom i also loved, i wasn’t able to express my love, become a bit bold and handle the heaviness.  I regret i didn’t take a stand earlier. I keep thinking of each and every time she asked me even during recent days. I shouldn’t have gone for drinking, things could have been different. I should not have let her go last year. All these thoughts now. Now my mind is full of her thoughts. Imagining gifs of her laughs smiles, walk, dressing, hugging, intimacy, everything. I miss her. I was so stupid to let her go.

Sorry for the long lost. I couldn’t stop thinking about these so wrote.