Dear lil.Lily/ Reader:

Your threads March 2014 (age 22)- December 2020 (age 28) are a great opportunity to follow your life experience over a period of 6 years. In June 2020 you revealed for the first time that you were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and in December 2020, you shared that you were diagnosed with BPD the year before, I suppose sometime in later 2019 perhaps.

Wikipedia: “borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions…. Symptoms of BPD may be triggered by events considered normal to others. BPD typically begins by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations. Substance use disorders, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD…

“A core characteristic of BPD is affective instability, which generally manifests as unusually intense emotional responses to environmental triggers, with a slower return to a baseline emotional state… People with BPD are often exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving, but may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions (anxiety, depression, guilt/shame, worry, anger, etc.), experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness.

“BPD is believed to be the one psychiatric disorder that produces the most intense psychological pain and distress in those who suffer with this condition. Studies have shown that borderline patients experience chronic and significant emotional suffering and mental agony… While people with BPD feel euphoria (ephemeral or occasional intense joy), they are especially prone to dysphoria (a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction), depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress…

“People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard for people and great disappointment in them. Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment….

“Impulsive behavior is common, including substance use disorders (e.g., alcohol use disorder), eating in excess, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners… A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain. As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain”.

Now, let’s see what you shared in 2014-2015, years before you received the diagnosis, and what you shared in 2020, after you received your diagnosis. Notice the perfect fit of what you shared since 2014 with the Wikipedia entry quote above:

March 2014: “I was broken hearted and depressed. I fell rock bottom… I traveled… I met a lot of European men. I enjoyed my life in Europe… (met) a 26-year-old Dutch guy…we became in love… I left in January, and it’s been 4 months now that we are apart… Lately…. he does not speak to me anymore”.

April 2014: “I decided to follow my heart. I am going to visit Amsterdam for a month”.

August 2014: “We ended up getting back together and getting the love groove on… I am (back) in California… I am an independent woman…but I know I love this guy. I have never been so intimate with someone. I talked to him almost once a week. but I get so stressed… I freaked out on him and had a meltdown it’s been a week now. And he hasn’t spoken a word to me…  I have apologized, nothing… messages or call, he never answers”, “I found out that he is going to University of Hawaii…  he’s a liar… He hurt me a lot, I mean emotionally abused me… I do not think it’s fair that he gets to go out of state and study when he has been such a bad person…

“For some time now, I have been feeling anxiety and depression… I live in San Diego, a beautiful city in CA but I feel so depressed. I am crying as we speak… Lost the guy (who lives in Europe) who I thought was meant for me… Lost him because of my “anxiety” and “depressive” behavior. I thought he could understand me…  I’m in CA. I feel depressed all the time. I miss my life there (in Europe) …  I want to live in Europe. When I lived there, I woke up, felt so happy. here. I wake up (in California) and feel like crap. Why do I feel this way when I know my life is good, that I have everything that most people do not have? I am always crying, I feel so weak, like a baby”.

September 2014: “I just love loving, you know? I love to love all the time, I love people, and I love learning, music, art … etc., But I want to feel happy and wake up loving life all the time. I am just daydreaming all the time, and I feel like life is such a routine where I currently live… maybe soon, I will be back in Europe again….  lately I have been feeling so lost, feeling so robotic in this routine life”.

October 2014: “I get caught up and drive myself to insanity because I feel so lonely… I am scared to be alone”.

December 2014: “I have just graduated with a degree in Human Development and a minor in political science…  I feel so alone…  I am going to Washington D.C. for an internship, working for a Congressman from California Before that. I am going to Amsterdam… and see this guy who means so much to me… I feel anxious, all these feelings… I am excited to go yet I feel overwhelmed. I currently live in San Diego, and I feel so lonely here…. Sometimes I tell myself to not go so crazy with emotions… I feel so overwhelmed and alone”.

April 2015: “Today, my boyfriend/companion broke up with me…  I am so upset….  We clicked immediately, and we are very intimate with one another…  Today, he came and saw me after church and told me he could not see me anymore… How many times do I have to go through? Why is it so easy for them to just leave… all I want is a companion who I can feel secure, laugh, and cuddle with, and kiss forever. Why is it so difficult”?

May 2015: “I almost feel alone all the time… I go on dates and meet people. but I don’t feel fulfilled. Back in CA, I have a lot of friends and family….  I feel like shit. I feel frustrated…  I had a lover, my best friend and companion who I met here, he broke up with me, but he still spends time with me. I go to church and pray a lot. I am depressed… I just want to sleep all day… I am going to Jamaica this Friday for 5 days, and hopefully I clear my head… This is my quarter life crisis”.

July 2015: “I have been feeling this dark energy, the dark soul with me. It’s when I feel so angry, sad, emotional, I can’t get out of it. I have felt this way before many times, the past days I was content, and then I am back to this feeling… Yesterday, I went for a run, I painted, listen to music, stretched, biked…all feel-good actions. Things that I love to do. Yet, I still felt angry….  Love is something that I could never conquer…. I want love, a companion. I feel alone…. I’ve been praying and thanking the Lord, yet I still feel this darkness”.

December 2015: “I am 23, and I moved to DC almost a year ago… I volunteer once a week, and attend church as a new Christian believe… The other part of me, I seek too much pleasure, shows, traveling, sex, men, drinking, smoking etc., etc. I meet a lot of people… and I have been meeting a friend, who I have been hooking up with once a week for 3 months now…and I am starting to feel so aggravated over the fact that I cannot establish anything with him. He shows passion only when he wants to have sex. Most of the time, men think of me as a sexual object”.

June 2020: “I also suffer from BDP. My therapist said… I met a guy…  We also live in Chicago…. I did not yell. I simply just said that. Then he raised his voice and said, ‘you know what, get out of here.’…  I left. Took a lyft. He called me at the lyft. Ending it with me. Saying ‘We are not meant for each other, that we’re incompatible’ A week and a half ago, he was telling me how great I was, that he misses me. Idk what changed? I haven’t done anything… I lost him, and I don’t understand why he is so angry at me. What do I do? I hate losing a friend”.

December 2020: “I did it again. I ruined a friendship with a friend because I lashed out. Every time I get too close to someone, I become vulnerable, and my anxious attachment style bleeds out…. We began to hang out once a week…  I had other men in my life and never closely looked at him in that way. Weekly visits from him and sleepovers, and me (making dinner for him) became more intimate…. We spoke about our mental disorders (anxiety, depression) I told him about my BPD… Suddenly, I began to get upset with him…. We argued…

“After thanksgiving, I freaked out on him. I felt that he felt distant. Or because I hate the holidays, it reminds me of how lonely…  My fury started; I couldn’t control it. I started asking him if he felt the same way. I said, ‘I hated him, f** you, etc., he’s a coldhearted person.’ I tried to incite him, try to get a response. He was ignoring me. Until I went out control, biting, spitting out slurs…  I felt undervalued as a friend, if he cared so much, why would he just let me feel this way? I felt that he used me. He wasn’t trying to make me feel better. He said it was the ‘sex’ that caused me to feel this way…. I apologized, and I thought he understood me. I told him that this was not me, the BDP isn’t me… I ruined it; he probably thinks I’m crazy… I feel used, played, betrayed, hurt. I want to address it before he goes, wish him good luck, and give his x-mas present…

“I do therapy, but I’m not sure if it’s benefiting me yet. I always ruin my relationships, because I get needy. I don’t understand. How do I stop ruining my relationships, why does it have to be a cycle?”

In a reply to me, Dec 2020: “I was diagnosed by my former therapist a year ago with BDP…  My parents separated when I was around 5-6 years old. My mom left to work in the US when I was living in a different country. My dad lived in Japan. I lived with my aunt till I was 9. I didn’t know till recently, a year ago that it made an impact in my life. My mom worked a lot. My dad lives in a different country…  I was left alone…  So, my BDP manifests every time when I get triggered (abandonment, betrayal, feeling uncared) the black and white thinking. I would always ask myself ‘Why would they do that?’… There is this empty feeling that comes back and forth, esp. with relationships, holidays… I also tend to see the goodness of people. So, when I feel betrayed, then my anger lashes out. It’s the same for friends or with men in general”.

Next post (perhaps tomorrow) will be about my experiences with BPD, and similarities with lil.lily’s experiences.

anita

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