Dear Nikki:

I want to retell your story based on your original post of February 2020, a post on record from April 2020 and a third post from yesterday, March 2022.

February 2020: a mother, working and going to school, or planning to go to school, you struggled with a drinking problem and attended Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). You were engaged to the father of your child. You termed that relationship toxic, stating that there “wasn’t love in it“. At one point, you “felt alone and wanted to die“, and a guy (I’ll refer to him as G) messaged you on Facebook and made you “feel better“. The two of you messaged back and forth, lost contact and reconnected Sept 2019 when you saw him at your job.

He wanted to go on a date with you, but you declined. You invited him to hang out with you and your friends at an AA meeting. During all the communication with G, you never told him that you were engaged. During the AA meeting, your friends blurted out that you were engaged, and the guy was shocked. Nonetheless, he pursued you, suggesting that he wanted to date you and asked you “to stay the night or come over“. Sometimes he treated you “like I was a slut until I left my relationship“, your relationship with the father of your child, that is.

At one point, G “messaged me that ‘he needs me’, he’s expressed that ‘he’s hurting’“. You slept with G. Later, you blocked him and got back with your fiancé. G was upset. Next, when you were drunk and missed G, you unblocked him. He was drunk too and wanted you to go to his place. When you arrived, he “was mean… talking about other girls“, then told you that he did that so to see if you’d “get jealous“.  You got angry at him, telling him that “he was just a friend with benefits and that I’m not jealous one bit“. You left his place sad, and a couple or few days later, he blocked you on everything except for Facebook, and you felt “really bad“. You were wondering “if I hurt him or not and should apologize or just let things be… Maybe he never even cared about me idk“.

April 2020: you shared that you were “on and off with a current relationship” with a man (G, I figure) who “made me happy in other ways… (TMI to say)“, while you had “someone else too” (fiancé, I figure). G called you “to see if I wanted to be with him for the weekend“. You were wondering: “I’m unsure of his feelings for me… I thought he doesn’t care but I’m not sure, please help!”

March 2022: you shared that you broke up with your fiancé who “played a big part” in maintaining your drinking problem, and that now, you are “happy and almost 2 years sober!“. After the breakup of your relationship with your fiancé, you and G “would briefly meet for hook ups like usual. He’d tell me things, how he likes me or wanted to be with me, but I look at actions more than words and I felt his actions said otherwise“.

G is “big drinker and that’s something I draw a boundary with, but he thinks that I can help him cut back“. Recently, while drinking or while being drunk, he told you that he adored you for 8 years, that loves you, that he wants to marry you and have kids with you, and that “he’s scared to get hurt again and hopes that I really love him too and want to commit and be together because he has doubts“.

You are currently wondering “if those were his real feelings or if he was just in a fantasy world because his actions now are mostly silence. We haven’t talked really in 4 days. When I’d be drunk, I would be able to express what I felt deep down, so I’m not sure if he made this up or if he genuinely feels this way. I just feel sick to my stomach and sad because he could’ve just said all of that to get what he wanted” –

My input for you today: first, congratulations for being sober almost 2 years, I hope that soon you will celebrate 2-years of being sober!

Second, I hope that being sober, you are focusing your attention and time on your most important job in your whole life: being a good mother!

Third, in regard to your wonderings about G, my guess is that part of him meant what he told when drunk: that he feels love for you and that part of him wants to marry you, but only a part of him. Another part of him, he told you, has doubts that it’s a good idea and therefore… doesn’t want to marry you.

The most important reality for you to face, as I understand it, is that because of his serious emotional problems and his ongoing drinking problem, he is not in the mental or physical position to follow his words with a course of action, over time, that will make his words come true. You noticed this yourself about his words vs actions in the past: “he’d tell me things… but… his actions said otherwise… his actions now are mostly silence“.

You are wondering if, when he told you that he loves you and wants to marry you etc., if he said those things so to so “to get what he wanted“, sex that is, or if these words were “his real feelings… if he genuinely feels this way“. Or if “he was just in a fantasy world“-

– My point is that even if he meant his words and genuinely felt them, and even if you ignore his words about having doubts, he was still engaged in fantasy because he is not able to follow his words with actions.  Think of this example: a five-year-old boy says: I can climb Mount Everest! The child means it, and genuinely feels excited about the prospect, but is it possible for him to climb the mountain, or is it fantasy?

For G, the long-term, demanding task of marrying you, participating in a healthy marriage, parenting your child well, having more children and parenting them well, all this, for G, is as much a fantasy as a boy reaching the top of Mount Everest. Even with honest intention and genuine feelings, it’s still a Fantasy.

If you invest more of your time and energy on G, what’s likely to happen is that he will continue to drink, you will resume your drinking and lose your sobriety. Invest your time in AA and end your-on-and-off relationship with G, make it permanently an off thing, and make your sobriety and your child your Number One Priority!

anita

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