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Complicated “Relationships”

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  • #338552
    Nikki
    Participant

    So this is very weird for me to talk about, but i was talking to this guy for years.. He messaged me about 5 years ago randomly on FB due to a depressing status. It was a long, beautiful message that made me feel better, I felt alone and wanted to die and for a stranger to message me to say all that made me feel better, I was in a toxic relationship, one I’m currently in still.. Me and this guy would just talk about life and things he was a nice guy but due to me being in a relationship i wouldn’t hangout with him. We eventually stopped talking i was horrible at messaging back, then I moved closer to where he lives without even realizing it. We reconnected after I seen him at my job back in September, he wanted to go on a date but I had to decline. I invited him to hangout with me and my friends at an AA meeting, he did. Then my friend blurted out that I was engaged, he was shocked I wanted to tell him myself because I could see why he’d be shocked. I was wanting to leave the relationship I’ve been in but have a kid with this man so he understood that and knew there wasn’t love in it.. He made it hard by constantly messaging me and visiting me at work, he spent more time with me then my fiancé did. I started to like him and he told me he really liked me. He started to treat me differently a while after though, like I was a slut until I left my relationship. He expressed he wants to date me and be with me and for me to stay the night or to come over, he would call me more and text and wanted to go on dates. He pretty much told me he wants more eventually but understands where I’m at. I told him we can only sleep together because I need to focus on school and my life and eventually yea. Well I was immature and would block him when I was scared or felt feelings and would ignore him for weeks. I eventually stopped kind of and went to him because he called and messaged me “he needs me” he’s expressed that “he’s hurting” and I could never bring myself to ask why. Anyways, I blocked him again after bc I got back with my fiancé, which I told him after we slept together and it seemed like he was upset, but then I unblocked him to call him a week ago because I got drunk and missed him. He answered and wanted me to come over, he was drunk too. He was mean to me when I got there though, talking about other girls and he’s never done that, and then told me he didn’t mean any of it, and wanted to see if I’d get jealous. I was angry and told him he was just a friend with benefits and that I’m not jealous one bit. Then he was accusing me of talking to a bunch of guys and said he seen my snaps of them and didn’t even want to touch me really. I left and was sad he tried kissing me goodbye but I didn’t reciprocate. I sent him a messed up meme the next day, just a day before his bday, left me on seen. Then I messaged him happy birthday, left me on seen. Just a day or two after that he blocked me on everything but FB.. I just don’t know what to do he’s never done this, and idk if I hurt him or not and should apologize or just let things be.. Maybe he never even cared about me idk. I just feel really bad

    #338572
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikki:

    This “Complicated ‘Relationships'” situation is a mess. What do you do when you have a mess? Clean the mess. What you have with the man this thread is about is not good for him. It is making him a worse person. Better help him out by apologizing to him for your part in the situation and leave him alone to hopefully recover and be a better person (to other people).

    The man who you are engaged to, the father of your child, better you decide if marrying him is a good idea, if it will help- or harm- you and your child. Do you think that marrying him is a good idea?

    anita

    #394234
    Nikki
    Participant

    2 year update. I broke things off with my ex, the one who I was going to marry. I had a bad drinking problem and he played a big part in that and now I’m happy and almost 2 years sober!

    The other one, that I wrote this about, the one I had to cut off many times wouldn’t let me go. He would reach out all the time periodically like couple times a month or so, after my relationship ended him and I would briefly meet for hook ups like usual. He’d tell me things how he likes me or wanted to be with me but I look at actions more then words and I felt his actions said otherwise..

    recently he confessed his love for me and said he wanted to marry me and for us to have kids. Talking about how he’s adored me for 8 years and wants us to be together and he’s scared to get hurt again and hopes that I really love him too and want to commit and be together because he has doubts?

    hes a big drinker and that’s something I draw a boundary with but he thinks that I can help him cut back..  Long story short, he was drinking that night and I’m unsure of if those were his real feelings or if he was just in a fantasy world because his actions now are mostly silence. We haven’t talked really in 4 days. When I’d be drunk I would be able to express what I felt deep down, so I’m not sure if he made this up or if he genuinely feels this way. I just feel sick to my stomach and sad because he could’ve just said all of that to get what he wanted.

     

    Im trying to keep the “it is what it is” mindset but my mind keeps coming back to everything he said and looking at how he’s been acting towards me.

     

    #394236
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikki:

    I think that we communicated at length but our communication is not in record. I may be wrong, but did you have a thread or threads that you deleted? Do you remember communicating with me?

    anita

    #394257
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikki:

    I want to retell your story based on your original post of February 2020, a post on record from April 2020 and a third post from yesterday, March 2022.

    February 2020: a mother, working and going to school, or planning to go to school, you struggled with a drinking problem and attended Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). You were engaged to the father of your child. You termed that relationship toxic, stating that there “wasn’t love in it“. At one point, you “felt alone and wanted to die“, and a guy (I’ll refer to him as G) messaged you on Facebook and made you “feel better“. The two of you messaged back and forth, lost contact and reconnected Sept 2019 when you saw him at your job.

    He wanted to go on a date with you, but you declined. You invited him to hang out with you and your friends at an AA meeting. During all the communication with G, you never told him that you were engaged. During the AA meeting, your friends blurted out that you were engaged, and the guy was shocked. Nonetheless, he pursued you, suggesting that he wanted to date you and asked you “to stay the night or come over“. Sometimes he treated you “like I was a slut until I left my relationship“, your relationship with the father of your child, that is.

    At one point, G “messaged me thathe needs me’, he’s expressed that ‘he’s hurting’“. You slept with G. Later, you blocked him and got back with your fiancé. G was upset. Next, when you were drunk and missed G, you unblocked him. He was drunk too and wanted you to go to his place. When you arrived, he “was mean… talking about other girls“, then told you that he did that so to see if you’d “get jealous“.  You got angry at him, telling him that “he was just a friend with benefits and that I’m not jealous one bit“. You left his place sad, and a couple or few days later, he blocked you on everything except for Facebook, and you felt “really bad“. You were wonderingif I hurt him or not and should apologize or just let things be… Maybe he never even cared about me idk“.

    April 2020: you shared that you were “on and off with a current relationship” with a man (G, I figure) who “made me happy in other ways… (TMI to say)“, while you had “someone else too” (fiancé, I figure). G called you “to see if I wanted to be with him for the weekend“. You were wondering: “I’m unsure of his feelings for me… I thought he doesn’t care but I’m not sure, please help!

    March 2022: you shared that you broke up with your fiancé who “played a big part” in maintaining your drinking problem, and that now, you are “happy and almost 2 years sober!“. After the breakup of your relationship with your fiancé, you and G “would briefly meet for hook ups like usual. He’d tell me things, how he likes me or wanted to be with me, but I look at actions more than words and I felt his actions said otherwise“.

    G is “big drinker and that’s something I draw a boundary with, but he thinks that I can help him cut back“. Recently, while drinking or while being drunk, he told you that he adored you for 8 years, that loves you, that he wants to marry you and have kids with you, and that “he’s scared to get hurt again and hopes that I really love him too and want to commit and be together because he has doubts“.

    You are currently wonderingif those were his real feelings or if he was just in a fantasy world because his actions now are mostly silence. We haven’t talked really in 4 days. When I’d be drunk, I would be able to express what I felt deep down, so I’m not sure if he made this up or if he genuinely feels this way. I just feel sick to my stomach and sad because he could’ve just said all of that to get what he wanted” –

    My input for you today: first, congratulations for being sober almost 2 years, I hope that soon you will celebrate 2-years of being sober!

    Second, I hope that being sober, you are focusing your attention and time on your most important job in your whole life: being a good mother!

    Third, in regard to your wonderings about G, my guess is that part of him meant what he told when drunk: that he feels love for you and that part of him wants to marry you, but only a part of him. Another part of him, he told you, has doubts that it’s a good idea and therefore… doesn’t want to marry you.

    The most important reality for you to face, as I understand it, is that because of his serious emotional problems and his ongoing drinking problem, he is not in the mental or physical position to follow his words with a course of action, over time, that will make his words come true. You noticed this yourself about his words vs actions in the past: “he’d tell me things… but… his actions said otherwise… his actions now are mostly silence“.

    You are wondering if, when he told you that he loves you and wants to marry you etc., if he said those things so to so “to get what he wanted“, sex that is, or if these words were “his real feelings… if he genuinely feels this way“. Or if “he was just in a fantasy world“-

    – My point is that even if he meant his words and genuinely felt them, and even if you ignore his words about having doubts, he was still engaged in fantasy because he is not able to follow his words with actions.  Think of this example: a five-year-old boy says: I can climb Mount Everest! The child means it, and genuinely feels excited about the prospect, but is it possible for him to climb the mountain, or is it fantasy?

    For G, the long-term, demanding task of marrying you, participating in a healthy marriage, parenting your child well, having more children and parenting them well, all this, for G, is as much a fantasy as a boy reaching the top of Mount Everest. Even with honest intention and genuine feelings, it’s still a Fantasy.

    If you invest more of your time and energy on G, what’s likely to happen is that he will continue to drink, you will resume your drinking and lose your sobriety. Invest your time in AA and end your-on-and-off relationship with G, make it permanently an off thing, and make your sobriety and your child your Number One Priority!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #394340
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hello Nikki has given you very good advice.  Best to focus on your sobriety.  If he went to AA all of those years ago, and is talking about ‘cutting back his drinking”, that’s a very bad sign.

    #395220
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikki:

    How are you? Still Sober I hope?

    anita

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