Dear anita

I agree with you that most people usually are occupied with their own thoughts and probably don’t notice my oddity. Like you said the tendency is high to misinterpret people’s behaviours when being very anxious. The awareness helps me to relativise the behaviour and reaction of other people. Especially now without the stress of my study I can withdraw myself from possible conflicts with others. But on the other hand avoidance is also not the solution.

I am aware of psychiatric medications. But I really don’t want any medications. In my situation I believe that the brain can be trained to be more resilient and regenerate from stress damages. Unfortunately it takes time to see any results and it is a lonely way.

You reflected well on how children see their parents. They are the caregiver and gods in the eyes of children. I used to see my parents as gods. I especially used to listen everything what my father said. Back then I didn’t have any friends to exchange on different perspectives. I was trimmed only to performe and not to socialize. I think that back then I didn’t build any own opinions or interests. I was scared to be under people and to explore the world.

I protected the image of my parents because I felt guilty to blame them for what I become. They didn’t do everything right and I am angry at them. But they still support me and at the end I can’t change the past. So to recognize that they did wrong and move on is the best way to continue to live.

It is unfortunate that I didn’t become the positive and bearable sibling. But I want to find a way to become free from my suffocating self. Through my experiences in the last few years and responsabilites as the older sister I will never be as positive as my little sister, but I can be one day free from my suffocating emotions. Maybe not now but one day.

When I am overwhelmed with those intense emotions I cry a lot and I talk very negative about myself and others. I get paralyzed and every suggested possible solutions I reject and continue to whine. Then I repete those negative things again and again. My whining words are nothing new and gets boring to listen to. Many times I told my father that I want to die because everything has no meaning or I can’t handle my life. But he feels helpless and can’t help me. For me it is almost normal when he walks away. I would not wonder when other people would do the same. I did also get angry and push my father away by going away before he does, because I know in my core he would not catch me even if I need him the most. My whining is unbearable and unhealthy. Even my therapist felt uncomfortable with my whining. It’s just too much. But I still wish that somebody will be patient enough to sit next to me, interrupt my thoughts and get with me through those intense moments without judgement. I often hoped that love will safe me, but I know that it is irresponsible of me to expect that from somebody if I can’t pick myself up.

Sesha