Dear Angel (second post out of two):

I spent about 3 hours putting together the first post, processing the information and as a result I am getting a clear picture of what happened, it’s not complicated really, in my mind.  Here is what I see: there has been, from the start, a fundamental incompatibility between you and him: you are intellectually honest, he is not.

By being intellectually honest, I mean that you have an honest attitude to finding answers and solving problems: you ask questions because you are looking for the truth. You are open to receiving answers that you don’t like, as long as they are true answers. You present information in a straightforward, honest manner. You don’t purposefully omit relevant facts and information so to appear to be who you are not, nor do you fabricate information, aka lie. You share with another person what you honestly think and what you honestly feel, best you can, so to give him (or her) a true picture of who you are, and in so doing, you make it possible for him choose what is right for him. Generally, what you present to others as yourself is really who you are.

On the other hand, he is intellectually dishonest: he is not looking for the truth, instead, he keeps much of the truth hidden from himself and from others. He omits relevant information, he twists information, and he lies so to appear to be who he is not. Generally, what he presents to others as himself is not really who he is.

On the two occasions you shared about him being drunk, he told you the truth: (1) Summer 2020: “On a drunken night, he called me and explained how his culture and family limit him from doing things he enjoys, and he has ended up sacrificing his happiness for them“ – he is angry at his family for limiting him, for robbing him from joy and happiness, he is angry at them for demanding that he sacrifices his happiness for them.

(2) Early 2022: “But we got drunk and he… told me…  I won’t let go, I’m latched onto him and I’m machine to make people crazy. I kept crying…  and he kept asking me why I was so sad, why I had to keep crying to make him feel guilty…  He said he hates me and he hates that he ever did this” –

– he projected the anger and hate (strong, lasting anger) that he has for his family (one or both parents, a grandparent perhaps) => to you. It is his family who robbed him from joy and happiness, who latched onto him and made him feel guilty and didn’t let him go until he sacrificed himself for them. It is his family that he views as a machine made to make him crazy.

You are intelligent and you have an inquiring mind, therefore you ask honest, straightforward questions. Back in July 2020, he told you that he was in love with you. Being as intelligent as you are, naturally, you wanted to understand how it could be that he was in love with you so quickly. So, you “asked him why he thinks this“.

When he told you that he eats foods that his family forbids eating, hiding it from them, you “asked him, how he would deal with a situation…“, a question motivated by your legitimate concern over his family’s control over him and how that would affect your children, if you had children with him in the future.

When he accused you of latching on to him and being a “machine to make people crazy“, he meant in part, I believe, that you are a question-asking machine. He didn’t like your truth-seeking questions because he hides the truth from himself and from everyone else (similar to him hiding eating foods his family forbids eating and all else that he hides from them). When you asked him questions, he felt like you were tormenting him, making him crazy.

I am ready now to answer your question #2: “I don’t understand what I did that was so bad” – you asked him honest, fair, truth-seeking questions and to him, it felt like a bad thing.

I think that you fell in love with some of the ways he appeared to be in the beginning: respectful, calm and patient, encouraging, comforting. But also, from the beginning (July 17, 2020), you saw “big red flags“.

On your last post in 2020, you wrote: “I wonder if I explain my fears and concerns to him, if he would be able to address them and show me what he could do“- you considered at the time, placing your trust in an intellectually dishonest man. Fast forward, you did just that, and that was a mistake: an intellectually dishonest person will not address your question honestly.

You wrote on that last post of 2020: “I am also very strong on my own core morals and values, something that I have made clear to him, and he has told me that he very much values that about me… It’s his encouragement and his loving words that continue to draw me in” – you spent a lot of time in the past contemplating your core morals and values, practicing them, and you truly believe in them. When he told you that he very much values that about you- those were only words, meant to appear a certain way. He didn’t think much, if anything, about your core morals and values. He said what he felt was a nice thing to say.

Regarding his upbringing, you wrote yesterday: “I think he may be brought up that way where he has to always prove himself or where love and respect is kind of earned in his family” – I think that he tried, as a child, for many years, to earn his (unloving & disrespectful) family’s love and respect, failed to do so, and eventually settled into hiding the truth from them and appearing to be what they were likely to approve of. Fast forward, that’s what he did with you: hiding the truth from you, and appearing to be what you are likely to approve of.

Your first question was: “how someone for whom I have shown so much love and affection and care could turn around and tell me how much they hate me?” -he hated your question and truth-seeking more than he loved your love, affection and care. Your questions pointed to thoughts and feelings inside him that he didn’t want to face. He hated the idea of looking into what he didn’t want to look into.

You wrote yesterday when trying to explain what happened: “By certain point, I feel like I just wanted his presence even if it didn’t match the requirements, I set” – by a certain point, his presence in your life was more valuable to you than your “own core morals and values“, core values that include honesty and decency.

Your third question was: “I don’t understand how to move on from such hate and anger towards me… from someone hating me this much?” – reverse the choice you made before and choose your core morals and values over his presence in your life. Choose honesty over dishonesty, truth over deception, substance over appearances.

“I don’t want him walking away thinking I was a crazy person because that’s what he keeps telling me” – he does not want to face the crazy that’s in him. He does not want to point his finger to his crazy, so he points his finger at you and he says: you are the crazy one!

If you go back to him yet again, you will not be able to force his finger to point in his own direction. As hard as you try, you will hurt your own hand and his finger will still be pointing at you. There is nothing else for you to do that makes sense, other than… you tell me (?)

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .