Dear canary,

good to hear from you again! And you are very welcome. I am responding late because I am occupied with other things, among them the horrible war in Ukraine, which doesn’t really leave me too motivated and upbeat these days… 🙁

But I’d like to say that what worked for me in developing self-acceptance was getting in touch with my inner child. You say that you feel great empathy for other people, including your ex-boyfriend, but don’t feel the same for yourself. That’s pretty common with people who were severely criticized in their childhood – they end up feeling like freaks, abnormal, as if something is terribly wrong with them. And they end up judging themselves, just as their parents judged them. Their inner critic is just so strong and merciless.

I had the same problem as you do – of having been severely criticized and judged as a child (and further into my adulthood too). What helped me was to get in touch with the little girl inside of me, and to feel love and compassion for her. The adult me acting like a loving, compassionate, understanding and warm parent towards the little girl in me. That’s exactly the opposite of how my mother behaved towards me, and how your father behaved towards you…

You can get in touch with your inner child in a meditation/visualization, or perhaps by having a photo of yourself as a child, or have a doll that represents you as a child, and hold that doll in your arms, caress her, talk to her, tell her you love her, how precious she is, etc.

In short, the goal is to become a good, loving, compassionate parent to the child you once were and that still lives within you.

Do you think this is something you could do?