Anita,  thanks for your reply.  I guess it’s hard to quantify exactly what the pain is.  I suppose that as one grows up you just assume that having a family is automatically going to be a part of lifes journey.  The fact that it took so many years of hoping and disappointment to finally come to the realisation, albeit very slowly, that I was never going to have children, took its toll.  By the time we had lost all hope, we were dismissed as being too old to adopt.   Imagine trying to avoid any situation that twists the knife that extra bit, other peoples babies, magazines, adverts, TV, films etc etc….those years were long and hard.  Very expensive treatment came to nothing  and so in defeat and as some sort of “comfort” I treated myself to a very special and very expensive kitten of a breed I had a real soft spot for.  I loved Ben from the moment I picked him up, but within five weeks he was dead, the result of aggressive breeding.  He broke my heart.   I can say that when I look back on my life I have  worked hard and enjoyed the comforts that hard work affords but there will forever be that missing bit.  Yes, envious is probably a good word if not a little harsh; cheated out of happiness, yes, when it comes to seeing the joy that children can give. The natural deterioration and aging is something that I have no control over, other than being responsible for my health and fitness the best I can.    My own mother died only last year BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT,  the final 15 years of her life would have been utterly miserable had she not had me running around after her and spending every last ounce of my resilience making sure she wanted for nothing.   Following a very messy failed suicide attempt she became totally reliant on me, until she was eventually taken into care, but her demands didn’t stop until she took her final breath. As an annexe to that episode of my life you cannot imagine my disgust and  disbelief when I found out that my brother had “schooled” our mum on how to commit suicide, but she bodged it and paid for it for the rest of her ljfe.  My brother remained untouched by the misery and heartache he had engineered.  If and when I can no longer care for myself there will be no one looking out for me.  I agree with your observation about bringing children into a world on the very edge, but that is the here and now and it was not so 45 years ago.  I can honestly say that reading this back  and thinking back over some very challenging years, I am utterly amazed and thankful for the fact that I have never succumbed  to poor mental health, although the current world order is testing my resolve, along with millions of others.  I have told you some things that I have never aired before to anyone.   That in itself is quite cathartic.   So thank you.  Liz

Liz