Dear Arie:

Yesterday, March 8, 2022, you wrote that you met this guy (I’ll refer to him a G2) 44 days ago, which means that you met him on January 24, 2022.

In previous threads, you shared about another guy (I’ll refer to him as G1) whom you met in November 2021, two months before you met G2. You ” hit it off right away” with G1. “We love each other… I really like this guy a lot… I am always asking him to see him“. But soon he blocked you and unblocked you and then blocked you again. While this was happening, you met G2, “seeing him (G2) few weeks before I knew the last one (the relationship with G1) was ending“.

9 days ago, you wrote about G2: “this wonderful, amazing man. We had that instant connection…  We absolutely like each other a lot and are pretty much inseparable… (he) treats me like a queen… It’s like we are a perfect match… This guy absolutely adores me. We are basically inseparable. Yes, I know maybe too soon. But this feels right“.

2 days ago, there was trouble with G2: “he said have a great day. No I love you back to me. Then I texted him again asking if everything was ok. He said no that he was depressed… I expressed my love for him and my feelings to him after that. I told him I’m here for him and I am not going anywhere…. We talked about other things which I’m not gonna mention on here because it was about sex... I don’t want to lose him and he knows that… I told him I meant what I said via text that I’m here for him and how much I love him… Now he doesn’t want to see me.  He wants to be left alone.  I am completely devastated…  He is also into S&M stuff as to where as I am not.  That seems to bother him too… He did mention it when we talked yesterday about that was one of things that was bothering him… I am at a loss.   My heart is broken.  All I want is for us to be together“.

Here is my concern: you are too desperate, Arie, and it looks like you may be willing to do just about anything so to be with G2, a guy you met not long ago, while being involved with G1 (having moved your strong emotional attachment quickly from G1 to G2, not really knowing either one well enough).

You put G2 on a pedestal, referring to him as wonderful and amazing, and your perfect match, perceiving that he absolutely adores you and was treating you like a queen. But there is a catch: G2 wants to do “S&M stuff” to his… queen, and I am concerned that you will let him.

G2 knows that you are desperate for him and that you will do anything for him to agree to see you (“I don’t want to lose him and he knows that… All I want for us is to be together“), and he may be taking advantage of your extreme quick, instant and intense attachment to him and easily talk you into doing the S&M stuff he is interested in.

Assuming that you are both legally adults and that the S&M he is interested in does not include illegal acts, the whole thing is very wrong regardless of the legal issue.

You wrote that his mother is cruel to him, calling him names etc. His motivation in the practice of S&M is to either (1) taking on the sadistic role (the S in the S&M) and being cruel to her by proxy, that is, using you as her substitute, calling her names etc., and/ or (2) taking on the masochistic role (the M in the S&M) and having you be cruel to him, call him names, etc., and experiencing that as somehow comforting.

You wrote yesterday: “I was never neglected or rejected as a child.  I came from a very loving home” – if this was true, you wouldn’t be so desperate for guys you don’t even know, becoming instantly attached to them and willing perhaps to do just about anything to be with them.

Please do not let your desperation lead you to unnecessary humiliation, degradation and pain. Do right by you, take good care of yourself.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .