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Boyfriend being distant?

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  • #394532
    Arie1276
    Participant

    When I saw my bf yesterday everything was great.  We talked on the phone this morning on my way to work.  Things seemed to be ok.  Then I texted him telling him I was at work. He said have a great day.   No I love you back to me.  Then I texted him again asking if everything was ok. He said no that he was depressed.  I asked him if he wanted me to stop over he replied he just wanted to be alone. He then went on to say how he needs to get his head on straight and how it’s not fair to me and maybe he is just meant to be alone .  He said he’s just really depressed. For one thing I had no clue he was depressed until today.  I expressed my love for him and my feelings to him after that. I told him I’m here for him and I am not going anywhere.   Later he sent  ❤️😘 those emojis. Not sure what that means .  I don’t think he is breaking up with me.  He didn’t tell me and I’m scared to ask.  When I told him how we both love each other he said he didn’t know and was depressed.  I’m really taken back by all that and not sure how to feel and think.  I’m actually upset over it because he we were fine until today.  We talked about other things which I’m not gonna mention on here because it was about sex.   I don’t know what to do.  Any suggestions?  I don’t want to lose him and he knows that.

    #394534
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    I am not surprised that your boyfriend is depressed, so many, many people are depressed. In the state the world is in, does not surprise me. When feeling depressed, we naturally withdraw and need some distance from intimate, emotional interactions with others, so to recover some.  Depression and intimate-interpersonal withdrawal go hand in hand.

    I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?” – let him know you are there for him, that you want to help him best you, that you are looking forward to him reaching out to you, and then give him the distance that he needs. He needs the distance right now, but not for long, I am guessing, hoping.

    anita

    #394541
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Anita

    thank you for your response.  I did basically tell him that.  But i am an over thinker and think the worst.  I don’t want to lose him at all.  I reached out  to my close friend and she told me the same thing to give him time.   Things were going so well that’s the confusing part that I don’t understand.   Then to send me ❤️😘 those emojis.  Does that mean he loves me and we are ok or what ?   I’m just so confused and am upset by all of it knowing that he knows we both don’t hold nothing back.

    #394546
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    You are welcome. I wish I could give you definite answers, but I don’t have definite answers. It’s normal for a person to get depressed and withdraw, like I said, and the heart emoji is a nice touch. Looks to me that he is depressed and will be back to you, but I am not sure. You have to be okay with the small possibility that he won’t be back to you. I mean, you will survive it! Please be patient. I hope he will be with you soon. Please post anytime you want to, and let me know when he contacts you, okay?

    anita

     

    #394624
    Tommy
    Participant

    It is difficult to know what is the cause of his depression. It could be something in his life is not exactly the way he wants it to be. A life situation, job, money, body image??? Dwelling on these things cause suffering. But, it is not because of you or your relationship. Talking to him might help. Or just being with him might get him to start his thoughts on something better. That is what is needed to bring back the mind of the  person you care about. To get his mind thinking of better things, better times. Drag his thoughts out of himself. He might open up and let you in on his feelings.

    Being alone or being left alone?? Personally, I do not like that option. I have had fights with my wife where she just wanted to be left alone. I refused to let it be. I held her. Did not let go. Apologized. Admitted blame or whatever to get her to let go of her anger. She would struggle to get free but I held on. Stayed up half the night until her feelings were better and no longer angry. Yeah, sounds stupid. But, I do not regret showing her I cared. And I do not regret admitting fault even when I was not at fault. The relationship was more important to me. I do not know if this will help you.

    #394627
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Anita

    I did eventually call him that evening because I couldn’t take it any more of him not replying to my texts.  I was surprised he answered.   I asked him if he was ok and how he was doing. He asked me what was up. I told him I was waiting to talk to him.   He said he is just really tired and was trying to unwind by playing a game on his phone .  He proceeded to tell me how irritated it is when customers come in the place he works at last minute when they are about to close.  They have him working 7 days a week unless he asks for a day off.   He was also saying it’s everything all piling up at once.  He said he needs his license back and he’s tired of working a dead end job.  I told him I meant what I said via text that I’m here for him and how much I love him.  I told him I can come see him tomorrow night and he said ok.  I asked him if we are ok and he said yeah he guesses but yeah we are ok.  I told him I loved him and he said it back to me. He wanted to get back to his game to unwind and then go to bed.    After our conversation I still felt uneasy .   I guess once I see him and talk to him more things will he ok I hope. Then I texted him before I went to bed.  I told him I was going to sleep and that I loved him and to have a good night.  He read it but didn’t respond.  Him not responding made feel uneasy    I don’t like feeling like that at all.   When I see him how do I ask him to open up to me without pushing him away or making him feel even worse.

    #394636
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Now he doesn’t want to see me.  He wants to be left alone.  I am completely devastated.  He doesn’t want to open up to me. He told me he needs to get his mind together.  I asked him again to come see him tonight.  He again said he just wants to be left alone and he also said he honesty needs to think if he’s even ready for a relationship. I told him how could he even think that after everything we had talked about including our future.  He just told me he is in a depressed state, mentally just not in a good spot and to get himself together and told me i didn’t do anything wrong. I told him i get it and that im there for him, and no need to shut me  out when we are already are in a relationship, and how sick to my stomach i am over this.   I asked him if he is still coming to my place this weekend and he said one day at a time.  I again asked him for me to come tonight so we can talk and he told me he just wants to be left alone.  He told me its not fair and for me to let him deal with his own crap and needs to be left alone for awhile.  I told him just know that i do love you and im here for you and im not going any where.  He replied ok cool I just need to be  alone for awhile.   Does this mean he broke up with me or just does it mean we are together or what?  I am so confused, hurt and numb by all this.  He wont open up to me.  I literally dont know what to do here!  Part of me jus wants  to go to his house tomorrow night and surprise him regardless.  Im so confused and hurt.

    It all began when i was there sunday and his mom literally yelled at him about everything and was calling him names.  You name it she was calling him everything and told him he can come live with me and she will lock him out of he house.   Every since then , he turned completely around on our relationship.   He lives with his mom and his sister.   His mom is cruel.  I try not to judge people cause noone is perfect.   But i felt so awkward and uneasy there that day.  He apologized later for actions.  But again, ever since then…….he changed.

    He is also into S&M stuff as to where as i am not.  That seems to bother him too.  I expressed my feelings about it.  He seemed to be ok with it at the time. He did mention it when we talked yesterday about that was one of things that was bothering him too.  He lost his license cause of a DUI from his ex gf at the time which was months ago and hasn’t had time to finish his last 3 classes in due to his work schedule and it will take some time after that to get his license back.  I told him i didn’t mind driving until he got it back.

     

    I am at a loss.   My heart is broken.  All i want is for us to be together.  Any suggestions or has anyone been through a similar situation?

     

     

    #394637
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    This morning I took a long time replying to your post before last. When I completed my reply, I noticed that you posted again, your most recent post. What I did was that I did not go back to the beginning of my post and edit it according to the new information. Instead, I just added to the post. Next, I was ending the addition when I noticed that there was more to your most recent post that I did not yet read. Again, I didn’t edit what I wrote but added to my post.

    In a moment I will submit my non-edited post.

    anita

    #394638
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    The behavior on your part, as you described it in your recent post, very much fits the anxious attachment style. You can read about it online, there is a lot of information about it.

    The happiness clinic. com: “People with an anxious attachment style will often experience the following symptoms in their adult relationships: * Overthinking about why someone didn’t call or text you * Wondering if you did something wrong or if other people are mad at you *Catastrophic thinking such as imagining the worst-case scenario…. *Feelings of extreme loneliness, emptiness, neediness, clinginess, or despair *High emotional reactivity when someone isn’t available in the way you want them to be… * Fear of abandonment”

    You shared today that you “couldn’t take it anymore“, so you called him, he answered and told you that he is overworked at the local store, that customers come in at the last minute, he is tired of working a dead-end job, etc., and he told you that he was “trying to unwind by playing a game on his phone“.

    After he told you all that, you told him… “I told him I meant what I said via text that I’m here for him and how much I love him.  I told him I can come see him tomorrow night” – your focus was not on what he said to you about his feelings, his experiences and his need to unwind. I don’t think that you asked him to tell you more about how he feels about work, etc. You were too anxious to focus on him. You focused only on what you needed: you needed to talk to him, you needed to see him as soon as possible, you needed to hear him tell you that he loves you back.

    I asked him if we are ok” – he pretty much told you in so many words that he is generally not okay, but afraid that he will leave you (afraid of losing your attachment figure), you were focused only on whether was still okay with you being his girlfriend.

    I told him I loved him, and he said it back to me” – for the anxiously attached individual, when the anxiety is activated, saying I love you is a way to get him to say it back to you.

    Then I texted him before I went to bed.  I told him I was going to sleep and that I loved him and to have a good night” –

    – You told him yet again that you loved him not because you were overwhelmed with the feeling of love for him, but because you were overwhelmed with feeling of fear, fear that he will leave you.

    He read it but didn’t respond” – maybe on a gut level, he understood that your motivation was fear and desperation, not love.

    When I see him how do I ask him to open up to me without pushing him away or making him feel even worse” – (1) Stop repeating to him that you love him. Next time you say it, say it after he tells you that he loves you,

    (2) Don’t ask him to open up. Instead, listen to what he says, and when he says something like, “it’s everything all piling up at once“, ask him in a gentle, empathetic voice: what’s piling up all at once?

    (3)  The website I mentioned has general answers for you: “Calming Attachment Anxiety: … Regulate your nervous system… If you’re in flight, fight, or freeze mode, you aren’t able to think clearly and you’re more likely to act on impulses. The best way to counteract this surge of adrenaline and cortisol is to change your physiology. Pause for a moment and take three slow breaths into your belly and diaphragm. This will send a signal of safety to your brain… do something grounding to get out of your head and into your body. This might include exercise, yoga… spend 20 minutes in nature…

    “Gain command over your thinking patterns: When you experience negative thought patterns, remind yourself that while the thoughts seem real, they aren’t objectively true. Don’t believe every thought you have. Take a breath, pause, and return to your body. Focus on this present moment and what is within your control”, and more.

    In summary: when your anxious attachment style is activated, such as when he doesn’t answer your text, your brain and body goes into one of the 3 Fs (Flight, Flight, Freeze) physiological mode, which means that stress hormones are released into your blood and you feel anywhere from uneasiness to panic (“I couldn’t take it any more… After our conversation I still felt uneasy… Him not responding made feel uneasy. I don’t like feeling like that at all“). When you feel this way, you don’t think clearly and you act in ways that are likely to bring to you what you don’t want: you chase him, fearfully and desperately… he is likely to run away from you.

    Take your time to consider all this and get back to me, will you?

    *** I just noticed your most recent post and will read it now. I’ll quote and comment in parentheses: “Now he doesn’t want to see me. He wants to be left alone” (just like I wrote above before noticing your latest post and reading about the latest development: “he is likely to run away from you”, I wrote) … “I asked him again to come see him tonight” (you keep chasing him).  “He again said he just wants to be left alone and he also said he honesty needs to think if he’s even ready for a relationship” (that’s him running away from you)…  “I asked him if he is still coming to my place this weekend… I again asked him for me to come tonight” (… you keep chasing him).

    Does this mean he broke up with me or just does it mean we are together or what?” – it means that anxious and wanting to feel okay, you are chasing him, and being chased- he is running away from you.

    You have to stop chasing him. Being as upset as you are now, I doubt that you can focus on my post, especially on the first part. So, calm yourself down, a cold or hot shower, some slow breathing, some exercise, a bath… and then read and reply to me, will you?

    Ooops, I didn’t read the last part of your latest post. As I find out more of what you posted, I am not going back and editing what I already wrote to you, I just add. What I just read is that he lives with his mother and sister, that last Sunday when you visited him, you observed his mother calling him names, telling him that he can live with you, threatened to lock him out of the house. You also added that he is “also into S&M stuff” and you are not, and that he mentioned to you that it bothers him that you are not. He also shared that he lost his driver’s license because of a DUI-

    – it is possible for an anxiously attached woman to get attached to the wrong man, you know. I see two problems here: one is your anxious attachment style and another is the man you are attached to. He is troubled, understandably, because his mother is abusive. He has a drinking problem and seems like he finds release in sadomasochism sexual practices. I feel very uncomfortable thinking that in your desperation for him, you will agree to participate in such a practice, one that you are not into. How humiliating it will be for you…

    Here is what I now suggest: stop chasing him and RUN AWAY from him. And work on your anxious attachment style.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #394641
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Anita

    I read your reply.  You are right about the anxious attachment.   His DUI wasn’t from a drinking problem. His ex gf at the time was not supposed to be drinking, but she did and he drank not knowing she was drinking because she was supposed to be his DD.   In fact he doesn’t drink after that incident at all now.   I never knew he suffered from depression until now.  I am not sure if it is the depression talking to if it is really him talking.   I don’t have much experience with depression and an abusive parent like he has.

    We had a real and deep meaningful connection and relationship until recently.   How do I go about texting him or calling him in a way that will not make him run away from me and what do i say one last time then i will go about my seperate way and focus on myself until he decides to reach out to me , if that.

     

    #394645
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    You are right about the anxious attachment… I don’t have much experience with depression and an abusive parent like he has” – but you do have much experience with having been neglected and/ or rejected as a child, otherwise you wouldn’t fit the anxious attachment style, being so very, very desperate for a guy, particularly a guy whom you met only recently.

    How do I go about texting him or calling him in a way that will not make him run away from me” – part of you wants my help with how to chase him successfully, how to catch him.

    What do I say one last time then I will go about my separate way and focus on myself until he decides to reach out to me, if that” – you are not ready for a “one last time” because you still desperately want him to reach out to you. What you are asking me here, is: how can I have the patience to wait for him to reach out to me? How can I stop myself from texting and calling him, so that he will reach out to you and so that the two of us can… live happily ever after? Is this what you are asking me?

    anita

    #394654
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Anita
    I was never neglected or rejected as a child.  I came from a very loving home.
    my question to you is how do I go about talking to him to get him to open up to me without me coming off as annoying and without pushing him away.  I want to help him.  I do truly love him and care about him.  I want him to get closer to me again.  I’m just numb and don’t know how to understand any of this.  I don’t understand how a person can go from wanting  a relationship to not being sure of wanting one in a matter of seconds and being depressed.

    #394657
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    I need to be away from the computer for a few hours but will be back to you when I am back. Can you remind me: how many days exactly has it been since you met this guy for the first time?

    anita

    #394692
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    It has been 44 days.  Last time we saw each other was sunday.

     

     

    #394744
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    44 days are not enough to get to know a person well enough. You got too attached to him too soon. You are too desperate for him. There is no logical reason for you to feel so attached to him: you can live without him in your life, live even better without him than with him. Try to stop obsessing about him. Let him go.

    anita

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