@anita

Perhaps guilt isn’t the right word. That would imply that I was at fault, when I wasn’t. I felt overly responsible, perhaps shame is more accurate?

My mother told me that after myself and my brother were born she magically became a terrible person. She claimed to have been perfectly fine before. Her temper could be triggered by the smallest thing, so at night I would analyse the day and try and figure out what I could do better to avoid it.

I think these were part of the reason I felt why I felt. Therapy helped me see that her claims were extremely unlikely and that there was nothing I could do to prevent the abuse. If different children were born to her, they would have been abused too. It wasn’t my fault, she was simply looking for excuses to take her feelings out on us.

I have had a chronic pain condition for many years now. The level of physical pain fluctuates, when I relax before going to sleep is often when I experience the most physical pain. I find muscle tension reduces the amount of physical pain I can feel, when my muscles relax it can be overwhelming and there is little to distract me. Worries are easier to think about than allowing myself to be immersed in the experience of physical pain.

Previously, due to trauma I have had experience with emotional numbing and dissociation. I also have a tendency to dissociate to escape physical pain. Over the years I have made some progress with recovery, reducing the amount of physical pain I’m in so I am trying not to rely on that as much.