@anita

I appreciate your feedback!

To clarify, I feel like the emotions experienced with gaslighting are different from the emotions associated with guilt when inappropriate behaviour has occurred.

I didn’t worry that I had wronged another person. I felt shame, anger and sadness  as I was being abused. I was bullied into feeling that I had it coming, not for doing wrong. But for existing. I felt that I existed to be abused and expected only that. This is why I chose the word shame. And this is why I said overly responsible, not because it my fault. It was simply my reality.

Even as a child I had awareness of gaslighting. My mother often told me she loved me, but her behaviour told me otherwise. I was aware that I hadn’t wronged anyone, it was practical to  attempt to reduce the level abuse of abuse if at all possible.

I was acutely aware of the inherent danger I was in and I did feel powerless. A small child cannot fight off a 200+ lbs adult. A 100 lbs teenager cannot fight a 200+ lbs adult, though I tried.

The level of abuse and neglect I experienced at the hands of my mother was severe. She wasn’t tired of any chores because I was the one who did them. From the age of 4-5 I used a stove to prepare simple meals for myself and my brother if food was in the house. I looked after the dog, took care of my abuser, protected my brother and cleaned the house.

Most of my childhood she spent sleeping, the rest of the time she was out (leaving us home alone), rarely purchasing food, watching tv,  getting drunk and abusing us.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.