Dear Sesha:

Two weeks ago, you wrote: “As a child, distressing emotions were not accepted if nothing tragic happened like somebody died“- For a child, not having a home that feels like home, day after day, year after year, a home where you feel safe, accepted and welcomed as you are, a home where you belong- is as tragic as if someone died!

This is why in your twenties, you still long for the kind of home you never had: “I wish to… (be) surrounded by good friends who always welcome me and accept me as I am. I feel like I am part of a family, somewhere I belong and can call home“.

“I would play badminton with those friends and participate on tournaments with them… From time to time we would go on adventures together like camping or travelling” – when a child grows up in a home where she feels like the odd one, she ends up feeling like the odd one in the world outside (“It feels like nobody can handle my oddity“).

When a child feels like she is accepted as-she-is at home, aka that she belongs at home, she ends up feeling that she is likely to be accepted in the world outside her home, and she feels comfortable enough to play and explore/ go on adventures.

But you can’t play and go on adventures, at least, not for long, when sooner or later, you feel like the odd one. Feeling like the odd one makes a person feel “uncomfortable in my own skin… so tense and nervous around people“- can’t play and explore feeling like this!

It will be difficult to get to the point when you feel regularly and on an ongoing basis comfortable and at home anywhere in the world, even by the wonderful lake you mentioned. It will take time and work to get to the point, but it is possible for you, so why not start this process, one step at a time. What are your current living circumstances, if you’d like to share?

anita