Dear Helcat:

I am okay, thank you. “it’s been a stressful couple of days” – I appreciate you for replying to me even though you’ve been stressed, and on top of it, this topic being distressing. Many people wouldn’t have bothered to reply.

“There are three main contexts for saying sorry… The third involves empathising with a painful experience. The latter was my intent” – I used to hate every I-am-sorry and other expressions of empathy because I had to live without empathy for too long, growing up with a mother who owned empathy and insisted that none of it belonged to me. Plus, she was a very insincere, two-faced person, showering people she despised with flattery and gifts. Fast forward, when I read your I-am-sorry, I believed that it was an expression of sincere empathy on your part. But I didn’t trust myself to keep viewing it this way a 2nd, 3rd, 4th time if you repeated the expression.

I now feel okay with original expressions of empathy: it is easier for me to trust the sincerity of an original expression of empathy over the standard I-am-sorry because for too many people, I-am-sorry in any context is a knee jerk reaction, not a sincerely felt expression.

“A question occurred to me. Did your mother ever apologise to you?” – no.

“Language is very much open to interpretation. We are not mind readers and we don’t know each other’s intent” – I agree. This is why, when displeased with something we read (or hear or see), it is important that we ask ourselves: is there a possible different interpretation to the one that displeased me just now: is there a 2nd (or 3rd) possible interpretation? And then ask the other person questions and find out the correct interpretation.

“My guilt as a child was about fantasising that she would die so I might be free from her” – I fantasized the same, and I fantasized about being left an orphan with a chance of living elsewhere. I daydreamed about who would take me in and how it would be, living with them.

“Another main difference, is that I didn’t have a lot of empathy for my mother. When I was younger I did, but as I matured I became more aware of the abuse and I grew very tired of her behavior” – I remember very well feeling intense anger at my mother ever since I was a teenager, or earlier. I did not become aware that I felt empathy and love for her until the last few years, long after I no longer had contact with her.  I think that the role of the anger was to protect myself from her (it is dangerous to love someone who hurts you). It was only when my decision to never see/hear her again solidified in my mind and heart a few years ago (a few years after my last contact with her), that I relaxed and remembered and felt empathy and love for her.

“From my perspective, people choose how they behave. Not all who are abused go on to abuse others. The ones who don’t, don’t want to pass on the pain that was given to them…. practicing self-control as opposed to lashing out at others, which is very easy. I made that decision when I was 12, I believe that there are opportunities that people have to repeatedly make that decision” – said so well I wanted to repeat it. Congratulations for making this decision when you were 12 and thank you for making it!

“I find it difficult to discuss a stressful topic and manage daily stressors at the same time… I don’t know about you, but I do find that discussing such things brings up old feelings” – it is difficult and stressful for me too, to have this conversation with you, but I am willing to continue. Having said that, I am sincerely okay with you choosing to not continue; you are welcome to end this conversation at any time for any reason, and I wish you the best no matter your choice.

anita