June 19, 2021 at 3:36 pm #381693AnonymousInactive
Before anyone judge me based on the title of this post, this my story:
I only found out that he had a girlfriend after 3 months of knowing him.
By then, feelings had already developed.
I did, however, asked him what made him cheat on her.
I made it clear to him that if he was in a happy relationship and loved her, then we should not continue and that he needed to go be with her. He shared with me about the issues he was facing in his relationship… his gf’s controlling behaviour, how he felt suffocated, how he had to cut off his female friends because she asked him to even though she knew them personally as well, that there was never any trust and so on.
He said he wanted to get out of it but just didn’t know how, especially since they shared mutual friends making it even more difficult. It reminded me of a toxic relationship I was in during my younger days and I emphatized with his plight. I wanted to be there for him so I stayed by his side.
Fast forward; 1 year and 4 months passed and he was still pretty much in the process of “trying to leave his girlfriend”.
Throughout this period, we have tried to go separate ways several times, most of which were initiated by him. Amongst the many reasons given were, “wanted to work things out with his girlfriend”, “wanted to break up with her first then come back to me” & “wanted to be together with me the right way”.
But the separation never lasted, the longest being a month. It’s either he would reach out to me again or reconsider his decision when we meet up for closure and talk things out. I know these should have been red flags for me but I was too emotionally invested and head over heels in love with him. Despite so, we had a number of arguments that revolved mainly about his girlfriend and where I stood in his life. Because we were in a situationship, I never got to go on proper dates with him (for fear of being seen together by someone he knows/girlfriend) and it was just always hanging out at his place. I never felt good about being a third party and I would always question if he was truly unhappy with his girlfriend. I did not enjoy being the other woman and did not want to come in between two people who were looking to build a future together. But he would always tell me that I was thinking too much and assured me that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, that he no longer have feelings for his girlfriend but just needed more time.
And then sometime in May 2021, his girlfriend found out about us. I won’t go too much into details, but let’s just say an ugly confrontation ensued between him, the girlfriend and I. And guessed what happened? He openly professed his love to his girlfriend right there and then. He said that he was afraid to lose her and that chose to be with her. He never loved me, never meant any of the things he said to me, never intended to keep any of the promises he made… and he did all that just because he felt bad for me. I should point out that initially his girlfriend had no clue that we had been intimate cause apparently when he confessed to her prior to our meeting, he mentioned that we had only been texting.
I was not aware of this at all and in my emotional state, blurted out about having slept together and that was when it came to light. Nevertheless, the girlfriend made it known to me that she still wants to be with him and after that night, I got blocked.
Everything happened so fast, I could not even process it properly. How did he go from texting me lovingly just days ago to this? I ended up making terrible mistakes such as texting & calling using different numbers to speak to him alone and gain clarity… he told me off harshly that he has a commitment to his girlfriend and did not want anything to do with me anymore. Even when I turned up at his place, he ran away from me and said to leave him alone as he had nothing to say to me anymore. So about a week later, I reached out to him again using “return me back my gifts” as a ruse. While we were communicating back and forth (he was still as cold as ever), he didn’t know I was waiting nearby his area and I caught him by surprise. That was how I fought to have my closure, to understand the entire thing.
He simply repeated and insisted what he had said the other night during the confrontation with his girlfriend. I asked if he thinks it would be possible to build his happiness on someone else’s pain, he said with much confidence that his relationship would definitely work out.
I cried into his shoulder and all he said was, “I am sorry okay”.
It’s been almost a month since then. I’ve not contacted him or popped by his place. But I caved in, and took a look at his social media… he had been tagging his girlfriend in love posts and just recently went on a staycation with her & brought her flowers. I died again.
I know people are going to tell me this is what you get for getting involved with someone’s boyfriend, you reap what you sow etc.
But in my defense, I was misled and deceived by him.
I understand that he is trying to do right by his girlfriend… but there was never a need for him to string me along. If he wanted a friend, I would have definitely offered him just that. But he told me all those sweet lies about loving me etc. So I opened up my heart to him and took a leap of faith with him, only to be thrown out like yesterday’s garbage.
I have always told him that if wanted to leave his relationship, do it for himself first and foremost. And not because I was there. And never hurt her by letting her know that you have met someone else. I’ve tried to be so understanding and accommodating of him. Even though I loved him, I always left the door open for him to tell me what his heart wants even if it wasn’t me.
I just don’t understand why he had to bring his girlfriend along that night and embarrassed me in front of her. Why he avoided talking to me personally (I told him that I was not reaching out to beg him to take me back but to seek answers) and kept refusing to give me closure until I had to take things into my own hands.
And now, I don’t understand how he is able to move on just like that without any guilt, without feeling that he had done wrong. It took two to tango, but it seems I’m the only one who has to deal with the aftermath of it all );
Truly in need of some kind words & wisdom.June 19, 2021 at 4:30 pm #381737
I read your story once and I want to re-read it and reply to you further in about 14 hours.
For now, regarding your line at the closing of your original story: “it seems I’m the only one who has to deal with the aftermath of it all”- I doubt it. I don’t think that his girlfriend is fine and dandy with her boyfriend having had a second girlfriend while in a the relationship with her. I imagine that she is suspicious of him, alert to the possibility that he may have a third, and maybe a fourth girlfriend, sometime in the future, checking on him and whatnot.
I don’t think that he is not fine either. If his girlfriend was indeed, like he said, controlling and he felt suffocated as a result, I don’t think that he is getting all the air that he needs now that she knows what she knows.
anitaJune 19, 2021 at 7:34 pm #381766AnonymousInactive
Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy post and reply.
At first, I shared the same thinking as you do… knowing how his girlfriend was like, the reins must have tightened on him even more.
But I shouldn’t have peeked at his social media… they seemed very happy with having just gone on a hotel staycation together (the girlfriend has access to his Instagram account and changes his dp every now and then which is how I saw a picture of them all lovey dovey in a hotel room). I believe either he or his girlfriend must have proposed the idea in an attempt to replace the memory of me cause we went on a number of staycations ourselves.
He was also posting stuff like “my girlfriend is so pretty”… things that he never really did before or display in public mode on Facebook at least.
Sometimes I feel him or even they are showing off on purpose, to kind of say Hey, look at us. we’re still together. Hah!” knowing that I’ll go see his social media. Or maybe, this is my hurt just talking.
I remember clearly though that she blamed me for the infidelity. Instead of going at him, she was all up in my face saying “he can choose to tell you whatever he wants to, but why did you believe him?”. She even said I was full of drama for crying my heart out and showing my pain. That hurt alot.June 20, 2021 at 9:02 am #381772
You are welcome.
“they seemed very happy.. I saw a picture of them”- a picture captures a split of a second of real life. A person can cry for years in real life and yet appear forever happy in a photo.
“I remember clearly though that she blamed me for the infidelity. Instead of going at him, she was all up in my face saying ‘he can choose to tell you whatever he wants to, but why did you believe him?’. She even said I was full of drama for crying my heart out and showing my pain. That hurt a lot”-
– well, she was correct to blame you for her boyfriend’s infidelity because you participated in the infidelity: for a long time you knew he had a girlfriend (who didn’t know about you), and yet you continued a sexual relationship with him. Of course, he too is to blame for the infidelity.
She has a point in her question: “why did you believe him?”. If she believes him presently, it’s a question she should ask herself.
In effort to answer the question she asked you, if you would like to do so, can you list in one group the things he told you that looking back, you now believe was true, and in a second group, the things he told you that you now believe to have been untrue?
Also, I wonder: are you angry at her, at his girlfriend, feeling that she has wronged you?
anitaJune 20, 2021 at 9:24 am #381773AnonymousInactive
I do feel anger towards the girlfriend as I feel that she shifted the entire blame onto me. It’s as though she was saying that if I hadn’t listened to him, he would have never cheated on her. But if a man has the intention to cheat, if it wasn’t with me then it would have been with some other victim. I agree that I played a part in the infidelity, and that was wrong. But at the same time, I was a victim of his lies and deceit just as much as she was.
And as to why I believed him, I felt that she of all people should be able to understand that. She chose to believe him as well despite having suspicions throughout their course of relationship. And continued to believe him and stay by his side even though he tried to lie to her again in an attempt to cover his tracks when things got exposed. Because she loved him.
And I did too.
Yes, she had every right to feel upset, angry etc. But I don’t think it was for her to dismiss my feelings for him just because I had been with him for a much shorter period of time or because she thinks that it was just purely physical. Because for me, it wasn’t.June 20, 2021 at 9:33 am #381775
I wish I had the time to be able to answer you right now, but I need to be away from the computer for a a few hours (or less) and answer you later.
anitaJune 21, 2021 at 8:22 am #381801TeeParticipant
I am not judging you – you fell in love with this guy even before you knew he was in a relationship, and when you found out, you were already deep in, and you fell for his story: that he’s unhappy with his girlfriend, that she’s controlling, suffocating him, very jealous, and that he wants out. You didn’t see him as a cheater (even though he was lying to you for the first 3 months of your relationship) but you saw him as a victim: “It reminded me of a toxic relationship I was in during my younger days and I emphatized with his plight“.
You wanted him so badly (“I was too emotionally invested and head over heels in love with him.“), that it blinded you to everything else. Even when he wanted to break up with you, it never really lasted because 1) he would reach out to you and you’d accept him back, and 2) he would “reconsider his decision when we meet up for closure and talk things out”. Which tells me that you might have persuaded him not to leave you? That your “closures” would lead to rekindling the relationship, even though he, at least in theory, wanted to end it?
What makes me say this is that after your last breakup, you couldn’t accept it – you texted him and called him from different phone numbers, and you also turned up at his place and demanded explanations and closure. You didn’t want to let him go, you couldn’t believe that he can simply discard you from one day to the other, “like yesterday’s garbage”.
It seems to me you’ve developed a very strong attachment to him. You desperately wanted to be with him, and it seems like you believed your love (between him and you) was real, while theirs was a fake and a lie. You fought for your “true love” passionately – both when he tried to break up with you in the past, and now, when he did break up for good, as it seems.
Am I seeing this right?
It can very well be that their love still isn’t real and is burdened by many things, and that their new-found happiness is fake. But you would need to understand that what you had wasn’t “true love” either, since he was lying to you, and then both of you were lying to her. When there is dishonesty involved, and it’s going on for quite a long time, it cannot be true love. It was infatuation on your part, and it’s what made you react so strongly and passionately, believing you’ve got the real thing.
What do you think about what I’ve just said? Does it resonate?June 21, 2021 at 9:29 am #381804
You are angry at his girlfriend for dismissing your feelings for her boyfriend- but it is not reasonable to expect a woman who was cheated on by her boyfriend, to care of the feelings of the woman her boyfriend cheated on her with.
I am sure, like you wrote, that for you the affair with him was not “purely physical”. But it was physical, and it shouldn’t’ve been physical.
In your original post, you wrote that when you found out that he has a girlfriend, you “asked him what made him cheat on her”- as if it matters why. What matters is that for as long as it is possible for a man to end a relationship (he is in not being held hostage/ in prison), then he doesn’t have to cheat, happy or not.
After all, no man (or woman) in a relationship is always happy. If being unhappy meant that cheating is justified, then there will not be a single faithful/ monogamous relationship on the face of the earth!
“I made it clear to him that if he was in a happy relationship and loved her, then we should not continue and that he needed to go be with her”- and if he was not in a happy relationship… then he should continue with you and with her?
“But if a man has the intention to cheat, if it wasn’t with me then it would have been with some other victim”- you are not taking responsibility for your part in the affair: for having chosen to remain in, and chase in a relationship with a man who has another woman in his life.
“I agree that I played a part in the infidelity, and that was wrong”- this is lip service, you don’t really mean it: you feel like you are The One Victim/ the Loser, and this man and his girlfriend are Winners (“they seemed very happy”). In reality he victimized you and his girlfriend, you victimized his girlfriend, and what his girlfriend is really like- I don’t know.
Human relationships are complex and we humans too often hurt each other. Each one of us has to look at our own behavior and take personal responsibility to do no harm to others, no matter how we feel.
anitaJune 21, 2021 at 9:39 am #381816AnonymousInactive
Thank you for your input.
And yes, it mostly resonates with me.
– Which tells me that you might have persuaded him not to leave you? That your “closures” would lead to rekindling the relationship, even though he, at least in theory, wanted to end it?
I wouldn’t exactly say persuade per se, I would usually ask him if going separate ways is what he wants. And he will reply back with something like “I know it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want to let you go”. And from there that’s where we’ll start talking things out. But on my part, I’ve always told him that if I am not the one he wants to be with or if he is happy in his relationship or he truly does love her… then go and be with her/we should not continue.
After the last breakup happened, I acted irrationally for explanations & closure not because I couldn’t let him go. His choice was to be with his girlfriend and I had no intention of talking him out of it. He knew that as much. I only wanted to find out what in the world happened and understand his thought process cause it literally went from “I love you” a couple of nights ago to suddenly this. It was for my peace of mind.
I’ve never begged/pleaded him to stay with me or to come back to me either. All I wanted was just the truth.
It definitely could not be true love because it started off wrong. As for me though, I do not think it was infatuation. I feel genuine love, just that the person I loved wasn’t him but a facade built on lies.June 21, 2021 at 10:10 am #381818AnonymousInactive
I sense some criticism in your reply.
And trying to justify whatever you’ve stated about me would be pointless.
All I can say is that, I’ve been in the position of the one who got cheated on before. Maybe back then, I would have shared the same opinions as you did.
But now, since the roles got reversed and I was the other woman instead, I’ve learnt not to be harsh or judgemental because there’s always more to the story.
Also, to answer your question, if he was not happy in his relationship then he should be upfront with her about it or talk to her to see if they could work things out. That is what I told him. And in returned he shared that it was not as simple as just being unhappy… he had tried to ask to separate but she wouldn’t let him go by threatening suicide etc.June 21, 2021 at 10:31 am #381820
You wrote to me: “I sense some criticism in your reply”. You sensed correctly. I sense criticism in your recent reply to me as well. And that’s okay, for as long as we are respectful to each other.
You started your original post with: “Before anyone judge me based on the title of this post, this my story”- to judge in this context means to look for the original poster’s faults, not seeing the bigger picture, and then rudely and arrogantly list those assumed or real faults.
Thing is, I can’t agree with everything an OP writes (when I don’t), challenge nothing, just so that the OP will not feel badly- I don’t provide this kind of service. What I do here is learn and encourage the OP (and anyone who may be reading) to learn something new that will make the OP’s/ reader’s life a bit better long-term. In other words, I want to promote your long-term well-being, not to make you feel better momentarily at the expense of long-term better living.
“he shared that… he had tried to ask to separate but she wouldn’t let him go by threatening suicide etc.”- so you are saying that she held him hostage, and he was unable to separate from her because if he did, she would have committed suicide?
In that case, you shouldn’t believe the social media photos and comments where he “seemed very happy”- I don’t think there is such a thing as a happy hostage.
anitaJune 21, 2021 at 11:37 pm #381840TeeParticipant
I wouldn’t exactly say persuade per se, I would usually ask him if going separate ways is what he wants. And he will reply back with something like “I know it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want to let you go”
He would initiate the breakup, and then you would question his decision – you asked him if that’s what he really wanted. A part of him didn’t want it, since there were issues in his relationship, and you provided an escape/relief for him. That’s why he didn’t want to let you go, although he knew he’s hurting his girlfriend. The desire to feel good was stronger, so he chose to stay with you. But it was you who persuaded him, i.e. encouraged him to stay: had you accepted his wish (to do what’s right, as he put it), he would have left, or at least, he wouldn’t have changed his mind so easily.
I do feel anger towards the girlfriend as I feel that she shifted the entire blame onto me. It’s as though she was saying that if I hadn’t listened to him, he would have never cheated on her. But if a man has the intention to cheat, if it wasn’t with me then it would have been with some other victim.
You’re not the only one to blame. It’s easier for them to find a scapegoat in you – like, he is so innocent and you seduced him. That’s obviously not what happened. He is very much responsible too. But it’s true that you wanted the relationship to go on, even when he tried to break up. And I think that’s because you believed he truly loved you, not her.
But on my part, I’ve always told him that if I am not the one he wants to be with or if he is happy in his relationship or he truly does love her… then go and be with her/we should not continue.
I’ve never begged/pleaded him to stay with me or to come back to me either. All I wanted was just the truth.
You didn’t beg him, you wanted him to choose her “if he really loves her”. But since he “didn’t really love her”, in fact he told you he loved you, you believed this was the truth. This “truth” – that he loves you and not her – had a greater importance for you than another truth, which is that he was in a relationship with another woman during the entire time he was with you.
You felt bad being the third party:
I never felt good about being a third party and I would always question if he was truly unhappy with his girlfriend. I did not enjoy being the other woman and did not want to come in between two people who were looking to build a future together.
You felt bad but you didn’t want to let him go, because you believed he loves you and doesn’t love her. And that that’s the only thing that matters – the only relevant “truth”. It blinded you to a bigger picture. Which is that 1) he had a girlfriend, 2) he wanted to break up with you multiple times, and 3) after almost 1,5 years, he was still with his girlfriend, showing no signs of leaving her.
That’s why I said it was infatuation. Definition of infatuation is: “a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something: strong and unreasoning attachment”. It seems to me that your love for him was foolish and obsessively strong, considering that it wasn’t reciprocated properly. But you didn’t want to see that he wasn’t reciprocating and was stringing you along – you only focused on his words: “I love you”.
Our emotions have the power to blind us to a higher truth, or the reality of the situation. You say you genuinely loved him, and I believe you. You developed a strong attachment to him. You might want to consider what was so attractive about him, and what he was giving you, that you were willing to be the second violin for such a long time?June 22, 2021 at 7:08 am #381843BubbaParticipant
I so feel for you. I know exactly what you went through when you were already invested in the guy before he introduced a third angle – whether the third angle is a girlfriend, a wife, a new job or degree in another country, my parents don’t agree, my faith etc etc.
Many members have written patient and detailed responses which I hope you will find useful.
I will share my short response.
1. This guy was so not worth you or his gf. He lacks character, courage and any integrity whatsoever. He cheated on both of you. He really really disrespected you. And, he made her a villain in your eyes. Gowd, he is just so not worth it. Its going to be very painful but really sometimes not getting what we want is a wonderful stroke of luck.
2. There is something in you that allowed you to be led by such a guy and be part of a crumbs relationship. Please work on your own healing. If you will work on your own healing, two years from now… you will look back and be surprised that you ever accepted such a guy and such a relationship. The road may be long but you can do it!
3. His gf has her issues to accept a cheater back. Those are her issues, not for you to dwell on or solve. She will dace her demons when she is ready.
Love, if you can empathise with this guy, use your empathy for yourself, for this gal who was cheated on again and again over the last two years, who has been humiliated and made a villain. Take your self respect, hold your head high and start walking…. in the opposite direction….
You can do it!June 25, 2021 at 10:39 am #381960serenaParticipant
I can not believe that there’s someone out there who actually had the same love story as mine, someone was also cheating on his gf with me and I wanted to end things as soon as I found out. But he had his reasoning, I tried to be friend with him until things were clear with the gf but they went back to be with each other in the end. What I found funny is how dramatic it got, she basically came to find me at my university and kinda stalked me, even took a video of me to send to him. He then slapped her for that. They both blamed it on me for that incident??? It’s been a while but still makes me feel like I don’t want to get into any relationship.
Dear Emma, I’ve been there and I know exactly how you feel. The whole world collapsed when that girl came to find me, I didn’t want to believe her at all. But trust me when I tell you that you deserve better, once a cheater always a cheater or at least he’ll never be trustworthy again. Sometimes what you want is way lower than what you deserve girl, I feel your pain and I still can’t get over him after years but I still decided he’s not worth my damn time. I wish you could find someone who would love you to the moon and back. Dont settle for less, you’re better than thisMarch 22, 2022 at 12:42 am #395839LaceyParticipant
Wow! This is so sad. There is no judgement coming from me. Cheaters have the energy of a tornado. It comes in as messy chaos, then theres the illusion of calm, then its messy chaos out.
So I want to say a few things. I hope it helps.
1. Read and listen to info on narcissistic traits and tactics if you have not already. It will help. This guy used all of them on you.
2. I highly doubt he loves his gf either. She is simply the one he has chosen because she is the type who will forgive this behavior. He will do this again and he is choosing a “home base” person who will tolerate it. He tested her. And she took him back. Thats a “win” to a cheater. Even though she got mad, she still took him back when he professed his love. (Likely not real). He had you to fall back on if she left him, and he would then have likely cheated on you with someone new. Consider that there even could have been a random other girl or two that neither of you knew about. You were only the one he chose to trigger her jealousy.
So, to recap. He lied for 3 months. The only mistake by you was for you to not be willing to walk when you found out about the gf. However that is NOT a judgement. I say this to show you how to own your power. I personally think a guy is fair game as long as he doesnt have a wife. She is a gf. Only. People do sometimes fall for other people while in relationships and there can be a transition period. However, its the lying to you that was the clue and even if a guy takes a few months to sort out feelings between 2 girls, once he came clean to you, that would be the time I would expect a decision on his part. You didnt get a decision. You got excuses.
I say all this so you can learn to honor the reality of any future situation like this. It can happen again.
At any point in any relationship, you can take control. So if you find out 3 months in, tell him you like him but you wont see him until they break up and that you will expect dates after they do. It does not matter if you have already had sex and have feelings. You can walk any action back at any point in time. Men always need to act in a way to keep you impressed. If he will not try to impress you, then he doesnt want to, and you must make a clean break.
But thats to understand for the future.
For now, forgive yourself, love you, and let them both go. He really isnt a prize, and regardless of the pics you see, the union is likely hollow at its core. Be grateful that is no longer your problem! Like I said. Tornado. You simply got caught up.
Good exercises to do are visualing expansive, limitless love energy. Breathing in and out deeply and slowly. Imagine him and her as a tiny black dot in the expansiveness. They can simply be in your awareness, but not consuming it. Visual it. Its just a dot in the vastness.
Another good one is any guided meditations with cord cutting. Disconnect from energetic bonds. You are free to do this as often as you need.
And pray. You are not alone. and this too will pass