As I read the above, I’m becoming aware of how much what I recounted above felt like it didn’t happen to me. That I wasn’t there.

And that healing- the filling in of empty spaces (‘ I wasn’t there’)- is about finally FEELING that really I was there.

And then FEELING- finally- how I really felt, the girl that I was- to be told by my mother that I was “A Big Zero”. It finally landing again (50-60 years later).

The girl I was- I was hurt beyond words can describe. It was a severe emotional blow.

And then, her saying: “The only thing I like about you is that you don’t resist (the message, that ‘I am a – big-zero’)-

The implications of this extra message: to submit- in adulthood- to abuse because that’s the only praiseworthy thing about me.

More later.

Anita