Hi David

It’s good that you decided to stop and see a therapist. But I think that might be because the whole situation went so far that you were hurt by it.

A good heartfelt apology details and takes responsibility for individual behaviours. If I say or do something hurtful, I describe the behaviour and I try and show that I understand how it made them feel when I apologise. For example, when apologising to my husband, I shouldn’t have snapped at you earlier, I’m sorry for making you feel hurt or uncomfortable.

Please discuss what happened with your therapist. You don’t seem to have a clear understanding of the impact of your behaviour on your partner or even yourself. I believe this is a defense mechanism, or perhaps you haven’t deeply thought about how other people are affected?

People have had to explain to you simple concepts such as cheating and how bdsm and other behaviours play with emotions such as humiliation, degradation and shame. You struggle to take responsibility for your part in it. I do believe that you want to learn. Because you haven’t disappeared when confronted with these things and after some explanation you do start to understand and take responsibility for parts of it. This and the fact that you are seeking therapy means that you’re trying.

The difficulty of these situations is that often people consent to things that they don’t really want to do, usually because they care about the person and because they have difficulty maintaining boundaries.

As Anita recommended, I suggest you do not participate in any more sexual communication with your ex. In fact, ask her to stop sending it to you. Ask your therapist about developing empathy for others. It will help you make the changes you need.