Hi Shve

Sorry for the late reply! I was dealing with a lot of stress at home. This is a difficult topic and sometimes I need to take breaks from it to manage my mental health.

I’m glad that you have found happiness in having respectful conversations.

As a result of my traumatic experiences I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This may be something that you are experiencing too? This could be the thing holding you back, not letting you move forward. What do you think?

His behaviour and refusal to take responsibility for his actions is disgusting and blaming it on you is gaslighting. Even the rare instance where he “apologised” it was manipulative as it wasn’t sincere and born out of a desire to placate you to get what he wanted.

Sometimes, when there are differences in religion and background, bad people find themselves using it as an excuse to use, disrespect or harm others.

I would agree that how you were raised has a lot to do with the difficulties with boundaries. The way I was raised caused me to have difficulty with boundaries too. I think that society as a whole plays a part too. No one wants to think about when children become adults and start to date. No one wants to think about the potential dangers that might be faced. Society doesn’t want to punish the people who hurt others, this further emboldens this type of bad behaviour.

I welcome you to practice your assertiveness and protect your boundaries here. This is a safe space and I would love to know if there are any things that I can do differently to make you feel more comfortable in our communication.

I just wanted to clarify Shve that it’s good to have awareness of these things now. But as you and Anita have said, you didn’t have awareness of this before. Therefore, you were not able to protect yourself. In no way did I mean to suggest that you bear any responsibility for what happened. It’s just good something to be aware of to help protect yourself in the future.

I know what it feels like to not be able to say no, or defend yourself when you want to. I know what it feels like to be care about someone and to be lead on. Many people do things that they don’t want to because they care about someone. But that doesn’t make what is happening okay.

Your bravery in sharing your experience has been inspirational. Thank you! I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

Regarding tips for overcoming this. You know that feeling that you had at the beginning when you didn’t want to date this man. Learn to pay a lot of attention to your instincts. So any emotions that pop up, if you feel angry or sad it is for a reason and this could mean that boundaries are being crossed. I would encourage you to think about circumstances that trigger these emotions. Emotions tell us a lot of helpful information and can inform our decision making.