Dear Helcat:

I often need to rewrite a post, using some of my own words, so to process the information better, or best I can: of the family that took you in, older members didn’t want you there, no one challenged them about it, and since you chose to no longer be in contact with them, they’ve been arguing with the younger/ other family members who are still in contact with you, wanting them to stop being in contact with you.

Of the members you are in contact with, when you tell them that something they said or did hurt your feelings, they habitually deny that they said or did what they did, ignore you for a week or two, and in the past, they disowned you. They also blame you for feeling hurt, argue with you, yell and swear (they yell and swear less than they used to).

They don’t want you to bring up your hurt feelings about things they said when stressed, wanting you to wait until they calm down, but fearing abuse, you don’t want to wait.

Taken from previous and recent post: “I’m working on being less defensive myself. I believe this is a result of the abuse. I tend to expect arguments when I bring up hurt feelings. Ironically, being defensive and expecting an argument can sometimes trigger arguments… I feel that I can defend my boundaries a bit too much, because I am afraid of allowing myself to be abused. By this, I mean that I don’t tend to let many things slide. So, if someone upsets me, they hear about it. Sometimes, when I get emotional, I share my fears and worries. That can make them feel hurt and defensive too”.

I am sorry, Helcat, that the family who took you in was not, and is not a healthy, loving family.

My thoughts based on the very little information I have in regard to your relationships with your second family: it’s not a good idea that you bring up your hurt feelings to them anymore, it’s a repeat of an unhealthy behavior and an unhealthy dynamic between you and them. It’s not working to your benefit.

If I understand correctly, once in a while they yell at you and swear at you. When you then reach out to them with an effort to have a conversation, starting with letting them know that they hurt your feelings, you are doing something like this: you are hiking alone in the woods, and you see a mountain lion at a distance. Instead of keeping your eyes on the lion, pepper spray in hand, and walking away from the lion, you walk toward the lion, and when you reach the growling lion, you say: it hurts my feelings that you are growling at me!

anita