Dear anita
I tried to type away some thoughts. I am conscious that my written thoughts are not true and I do often contradict them internally.
When those suffocating feelings appear I can feel how my head feels tense almost like a headache. The outside world weighs so heavy on my shoulder. I can’t think clearly. Everything and everyone don’t matter to me anymore. Nothing has meaning. My friends and family just are sometimes nice to me because I have something to offer that interest them. If I wouldn’t be open and positive they will let me down. In time of crisis everyone would let me down anyway. I am the only person who I can rely on no matter what. I am my own most trusting ally but on the same time I am my worst enemy. Feeling that heaviness remembers me that I am worthless and unloved if I don’t have to offer something to the world. If I have no knowledge, I am not good in my performance, I don’t have soft skills or don’t have skills that are useful, I am a nothing. I used to be good in sports, piano and school. I used to work so hard and gave my whole time in my performance. During that time I was a loner and I still am. The difference is that I was constantly surrounded by people and I was constantly on the move so that I don’t have that much time to think or rest. Now suddenly I have so much time in my hand and don’t do anything worthy of my time. Weeks passed and I don’t feel like I am doing anything useful for me or others. I feel I’m wasting my life away. I can feel how scared and paralized I am while having those suffocating feelings. I feel like I don’t have any joy and energy to do anything. I don’t feel like I want to get up and face the world, but I do it anyway. It is my habits and routine that keep me moving. If there won’t be sport and some nice conversations with people, I would sink in a negative hole full of nasty thoughts about me and the world. It is tiring to spiral around the past and the regrets I have in my life choices. I know that the past can’t be changed so are the people. The only thing I can do is to move on and to learn from my past to make better choices for my own future. I know that I am responsible for my life, but I feel pressured and paralized on the same time. I can’t get myself together to do something about my current life even if I have the possibility to travel, taking classes or to take driving lessons to fill my time wisely. It drives me crazy that I have so many ideas and wishes that I could fullfill but I just shift it back and forth in my head. I am scared of the risks that come in my way if I decide to dedicate to invest my time and energy in those projects. Now I am here and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what gives me that thrives and courage to live a life that is meaningful.
Thank you for your time to analyse my suffocating feeling. I heard about panic attacks, but I am not sure if that really is in my case.
Sesha
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