Hi statix

I’m sorry for your difficulties. You’re right. These thoughts are a form of self-abuse.

What I can suggest that helped me with thoughts of self-hatred. Is that for me, practicing saying positive things that I didn’t believe to be true was unhelpful.

Perhaps it is a little early to directly address that issue? A less direct way might be helpful? If you can be kind to yourself in other areas, that is good preparation for learning to be kind to yourself in regard to your difficulties.

Perhaps you could start by writing positive things that you like about yourself in general? My advice is to only do this while you are feeling calmer. Practicing these exercises while you are upset is going to lead to more self abuse.

My thoughts about writing positively about yourself in a more general way are:

What makes someone a good person? Do you share any of these characteristics?

What are some good aspects of your personality? Are you a caring person? Are you kind, loyal, do you try and help or support others? Are you intelligent or hardworking? Do you have a good sense of humour? Do you have any skills that you are good at?

If you are still uncomfortable with these positive things. Please feel free to try a more balanced approach.

Considering what makes someone a bad person can be helpful. Do you share any of those characteristics?

If writing down negative traits is what allows you to consider positive traits go ahead. I certainly found this helpful. But do so without emotion like a lawyer. Considering the pros and cons. Keep it succinct and remember that negative traits can be worked on. Try and keep the negative traits less or equal to the positive traits. If you are only writing down bad traits stop because it is not helpful.

Please see the example below.

Pros: Good with computers and animals, intelligent, kind

Cons: Anticipates arguments and gets defensive, gets upset due to mental health issues frequently

What can I do to address the negative traits?
Keep working on improving my mental health. Go back to therapy if I’m not able to deal with these issues alone in 3 months.

A good way of being kinder to yourself is to write down when you do good things. If this is difficult start paying attention to little things like:

Holding a door for someone, returning someone’s keys if they drop them, making an effort to be polite (saying please and thank you), buying someone a gift, or cooking someone a meal. If you have pets, caring for your pets is a good quality too.

Again, if you need to balance it by writing down negative actions that is fine. For example:

Postive actions: Helped people learn English, took care of pets, kind to people I live and work with

Negative actions: Argued with family, forgot to send some emails, haven’t kept up with housework

What can I do to address negatives?
Consider revisiting therapy to deal with family issues. Set reminders to send emails then send the emails tomorrow, I will do some housework at the weekend because I am busy tomorrow.

Writing down any compliments that people give you can build confidence. This could include compliments about hairstyle, clothes, possessions, hobbies, interests, personality, work and skills. Compliments aren’t just about physical appearance! Writing down when people say kind things to you might be helpful too.

Sometimes it can be painful trying to think kindly about ourselves. A good way to get around this is by distancing yourself from the situation. What would you say if a friend confided in you what you just shared? Would you comfort them or shame them?

I think there is one other important topic to consider. Challenging self-abuse. This doesn’t necessarily mean trying to stop negative thoughts in the early stages. Simply, considering what you think or feel about the topic is a good start. Remember, to do these exercises when you are feeling calmer.

Self-abuse is harmful. Do you agree? Do you enjoy feeling upset (silly question but please humour me)? In what ways does self-abuse harm you and make your life more difficult? What would life be like for you if you didn’t have to deal with these behaviours of self-abuse? Would you like to stop these behaviours? If someone else were treating you this way, would you tolerate it? Do you deserve to be treat this way?

I’m glad you are working with a therapist. I hope they can help you discuss what led to developing  this behaviour of self-abuse.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.