Dear Statix:

“I’m not mad at any females, it’s just bad luck that there wasn’t any connection to keep communicating” – I don’t think it’s a matter of bad luck.

There is a reason or reasons (it is not a matter of luck) why a man in his later 20s who “spent a long time“, going “to bars, going to friend’s parties, multiple dating apps, chatting with women at work“, never had any “success with any female showing any interest back at me… never had a girl smile at me, kiss me on the cheek, holding hands, etc.”

The following are my thoughts and possible reasons, not necessarily true to you: maybe true, maybe partially true, maybe not true at all (so don’t be alarmed when you read something that is not at all true to you, remember that it is only a possibility). You are welcome to consider the following and let me know:

You are angry at women, so when you communicate with them, your anger shows, and they withdraw. You wrote: “I’m not mad at any females, it’s just bad luck“, but maybe you are mad at females. “Females” is derogatory word when used in ordinary speech, as opposed to it being used in a scientific study.

You wrote: “Since I was a boy, I’ve always wanted to have a loving wife and 2 children to cherish” – the use of the words “loving wife” is very different from “females“. In your imagination there is a loving-wife, but in reality, you come across … females. You respect the image of the loving wife, disrespect the women you come across.

“I grew up with a strong Christian family and eventually left it” – your strong Christian family was not strong enough to keep you in it; perhaps your mother was not a “loving wife”, or a loving mother, and she did not cherish you, or your father… and since you were a boy, you dreamed about being married to a woman unlike your mother.

“My therapist has explained to me that sexual/dating experience or body count doesn’t matter in regard to my dream of a beautiful family and wife to give myself to” – a body count of zero women interested in you in spite of significant efforts to socialize, does matter when it comes to your dream of getting married because you have to get at least one woman to become interested in marrying you.

“Therapy has helped me become very aware of how unhealthy and disgusting I treat myself” – it is possible that when you approached women so far, it was not your anger at them that showed, but your disgust with your own self. Your facial/ body language may have expressed self-disgust (avoiding eye contact, looking down or away, facial muscles tensing, making your face look too intense, poor body posture, etc.), and maybe the words you used expressed self-disgust.

“It just feels painful and sounds like BS every time I’ve tried to write down positive things about me in my journal, looking at myself in the mirror, or attempt all the different worksheets or suggestions my therapist gives me” – it’s time to stop doing these exercises that haven’t worked for you. There is something else that you need to do first.

“After almost 1 full year…  a year of frequently going to therapy, trying new medication, exercising, finding actives to do… I logically am wanting to stop the self-hate, but emotionally… this (is) the hardest thing I’ve ever worked on in my life, and it feels crippling today just like day 1. Nothing’s gotten a tiny bit easier” – the first thing to do is to locate the beginning/ the genesis of your self-hate: when did it begin and why. The first words in the Old Testament are “In the beginning”. I am not religious at all, but I do believe that we need to look at The Beginning of our lives in order to experience a new beginning (this time, a beginning that one chooses!).

Let’s look at the beginning of your post: “I’m in my mid/late 20s. I grew up with a strong Christian family” – this is your beginning: the family in which you grew up.

anita

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