Dear Bee

“Once we had the talk about how they were feeling, I pushed my needs and wants entirely to the side. By this point, intimacy was beginning to feel disgusting to me. I felt sick with their overtures in some part although I did consent to it. I didn’t communicate this yet again for fear expressing myself would make them upset or that they’d leave me/our relationship would fail entirely. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded had I said no. I wanted to make them feel nice and this was one of the remaining ways I had to feel close to them so I did it anyways.”

I have a question you say that you now feel like an abuser  even though at the time you thought it was consensual. and then later you posted the above statement.

Do you now think /feel that your partner was an abuser? If not why? If yes why?

It appears that your early role models and education in personal relationships did not equip you well, but you must see that you have the strength and integrity to form good relationships if you continue to work on becoming a happy whole person . The idea that you are dirty or an abuser is erroneous and will not help your peace and happiness in either the short or longterm