Hi Bee

Telling someone who was abused that their trauma response as a result of their severe abuse comes off as an excuse is horrifically abusive!

It is true that you are responsible for learning to manage your emotions. It sounds like you have grown a lot. It’s true that accountability is important. But it is also true that the context of your behaviour and your intent is important.

That partner might have taught you some important lessons, but it’s very sad to hear the manner in which you received them. I think people deserve to learn these lessons through compassion.

Accountability and responsibility for managing emotions goes both ways, if they were “suffering” in the relationship they were free to leave at any point. Instead they chose to stay, criticising and shaming you under the guise of “helping” before ultimately choosing to do what they should have done long before it got to that point. Dating someone that has experienced severe abuse, who hasn’t yet learned to manage their emotions isn’t for everyone. It takes someone who is compassionate and secure in themselves.

I call BS on your ex being too afraid to say anything. Pardon my French. In my experience, people who are so heavily critical are not afraid of saying anything. The way you were treat legitimately makes me angry because you didn’t deserve it. I encourage you to read about verbal abuse.

From our communication, I have learned that you care about how you affect others, that when someone asks you to change a behaviour you try your hardest to do so. These things don’t always happen overnight and you were young, still trying to figure out how to function after being abused.

“everything in our relationship felt bad to them. the entire relationship is bad’ but they didn’t break up with me because they thought I was a great person.”

In my opinion, they didn’t break up with you because they got something out of the relationship. A sense of superiority. I’m going to disagree with Anita, based on the comments and experiences that you shared your ex doesn’t strike me as a good person.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.